This I Believe

I am a man of faith. The faith of my fathers. And I accept every tenet of that faith. I will not, for the sake of political convenience, distance myself from any teaching of my faith.

That is why I believe the prophet of the Holy Word was not Jesus, but a wandering schizophrenic from Rochester, New York, named Joseph Smith. I believe Smith discovered the Word of God through the angel Moroni, divinity's first and only Italian-American angel.

It was Moroni who proclaimed that the Holy Word of God was engraved on a series of golden plates buried in Ontario County, New York.

This I believe.

I believe that after searching unsuccessfully for three years, Smith found the "Golden Plates of Moroni" with the aid of a "seer stone," a rock that had the power to locate precious metals. Very powerful rock.

The plates told the story of the family of Lehi, descendants of Abraham who came to America in 600 B.C. to escape the bondage that had enslaved the Jews in ancient Babylon. As impossible as that sounds--the ancient Jewish people crossing the Atlantic six hundred years before the crucifixion--I believe it happened.

Later, the family of Lehi split into two warring factions. They fought for six centuries, until Jesus appeared in America to reconcile them. This was in 1836.

I believe the descendants of these ancient Israelites are still with us today. They are, of course, the Native Americans.

Did I mention that God meant men to have multiple wives? As in a modern day harem. I don't believe in harems, though. In the grand tradition of refusing to forsake religious belief for political expedience, our church abandoned polygamy in 1890 so Utah could become a state. That was only 88 years before it officially abandoned racism, so it could maintain its federal tax-exempt status.

Some would prefer that I distance myself from my religion. Or that I disavow some of its precepts.

But this I will not do. Because if I did, the Church would expel me. They are strict that way. With them it's all or nothing, reject one tenet and you're gone.

This is the problem with religious intolerance: It leaves no room for reasonable people to have a voice in religious affairs. It's the most pernicious aspect of radical ideologies. It's what we're fighting against.

But what do you want me to do? Campaign without a formal religious affiliation? In this day and age? Are you kidding?

I believe I should be president. Because we need a president who speaks in dulcet tones, wears the plastic face of a game show host, and says whatever it takes to get elected. In short, America needs a president who is indistinguishable from the futuristic robot in the movie Alien.

But we also need a religious president. Why? Because ours is a nation founded on religious principles. Our founding fathers were all preachers, Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin the greatest of them. Also, the Constitution enshrines religion as the cornerstone of our democracy, something history has forgotten. And liberty means not just the freedom to practice your beliefs, but the freedom to elect a president who will impose them on everyone else.

Questioning any of this is unamerican. That is why no one should challenge any of my beliefs, even if, when I pander to religious conservatives to win votes in the Iowa caucus, I start to sound like a complete and utter lunatic.

Amen.

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