What in the Hell Was Huckabee Thinking?

Last week we learned that, as Governor of Arkansas, Mike Huckabee strong-armed the state's parole board into authorizing the early release of Wayne DuMond, a serial rapist serving a life sentence. After Huckabee pressured the board to release DuMond, he raped and murdered two women in Missouri.

Good job, Mike! Thanks for bringing your excellent judgment to bear on such a difficult case. Now we know you have the wisdom to guide our country through these perilous times.

Huckabee hasn't explained why he lobbied for DuMond's release. Instead, taking a page from the playbook of that paragon of tolerance and moderation, Richard Nixon, he has attacked his critics.

Some have said Huckabee was pandering to loony, right-wing nut jobs deluded into thinking DuMond received a harsh sentence because his victim was the daughter of a major Clinton donor.

But that seems unbelievable, right?

I mean, that would make Huckabee some sort of craven political opportunist. Which would be difficult to square with his evangelical background and how folksy he seems.

I mean, he's just so darn folksy!

Plus, an evangelical preacher who puts his own ambition ahead of the public good? That just doesn't make sense.

With Huckabee remaining silent, we can only guess at the real reason for his actions. Here, then, are several possible answers to the question, "What in the Hell was Huckabee Thinking?"

1. He Was Confused, and Thought DuMond Was Convicted for Being a "Papist"

Not to impugn the good reverend doctor's hearing, but it's just possible that, having misheard the word "rapist" when the case was explained to him, Huckabee launched into a frenzied campaign to counter Protestant extremism against Roman Catholics who, during the English Reformation, swore their highest allegiance to the Pope.

You have to admit, as weird as it sounds, it's better than any explanation Huckabee has offered.

2. He Thought Jesus was Talking to Him.

We all have strange thoughts. The voice that tempts us into something foolish before we shake our heads and come back to reality. But true evangelicals think every voice in their head is Jesus whispering advice from the cross. This gives them something of a loose grip on reality, and makes it hard for them to say no to things. This is why they get all glassy-eyed when they speak, and so often tumble into drug addiction and trysts with prostitutes.

Evangelical preachers also think it's their personal mission to convert everyone on Earth to their religious beliefs.

Shouldn't we elect someone like that as our president? Really, can you think of anything better we could do?

I've visited Mike Huckabee's home, by the way. The place is littered with hundreds of porcelain figurines, mostly of fawns drinking from placid lakes and fat elves gaily rubbing their stomachs. There's not even anywhere to set your drink down.

3. He Thought the Right-Wing Press Was Jesus

Even scarier than the last explanation.

4. Mike Huckabee Has No Soul

In his quietest moments, when Michael Huckabee looks inside himself, does he see an airless void? A desert baking under a cloudless sky? A soap bubble floating over an empty, perfectly manicured lawn? His own goofy face staring back at him, telling him he's Jesus?

5. He Actually Believed DuMond Was the Victim of Political Retribution

Ideology, like power, is a dangerous thing. It works magic on those in its thrall, convincing them of crazy explanations and tempting them into unwise acts. Maybe Huckabee, tempted by power and seduced by the righteousness of his cause, actually came to believe that unleashing an unrepentant rapist and murderer on a neighboring state was the right thing to do.

In other news last week, Mike Huckabee opened up a 22-point lead in the Iowa Republican caucus.

God help us.