Barack Obama speaks to the nation tonight in a half-hour television spot airing just before the World Series. Obama's problem? We are all completely sick of the presidential campaign. What was once a spirited exercise in democracy has become the collective trauma of unending mental pain. I've had to read five Maureen Dowd columns offering fictional treatments of the inner thoughts of campaign insiders, plus a long-form Andrew Sullivan essay on the future of blogging, and that was just in the last week. Bill Kristol has become a household name. McCain has already lost this thing. I want it to end.
Obama's speech, then, puts him in a tight spot. We love him, and we're ready for him to be president already, but we just cannot take another minute of this. The blunt fact is this: We, Obama's audience, may turn on him. We may decide that, by pressing his case when we're already persuaded, he's wasting our time.
How can Obama ensure that his speech doesn't backfire? Here are my suggestions.
1. Juggling. The fade-in on the spot should find Obama casually juggling three red circus balls. His eyes should dart from the flying balls to the camera, in that casual but confident way jugglers have. He should look mildly surprised, but also amused, like he was juggling to relax and didn't expect to be caught on camera. Maybe he could cock an eyebrow, or do that thing where he suddenly juggles two balls in one hand while holding the third ball still. Or, suddenly, the balls he's tossing could flow in a hypnotic circle, or he could begin grabbing them from the top rather than letting them fall gently into each hand. Instead of saying, "Oh Christ, another campaign commercial," America would say, "Hey! He also juggles! How about that!?"
2. Obama should then toss the balls off camera (but we don't hear them bounce), light up a cigarette, and take a long slow drag while casually leaning back on his stool. All this before he ever says a word. This will be engaging, and slightly provocative. Just controversial enough without going over the line. After he's just skillfully juggled three bright red circus balls, and then casually lit up a Camel straight, and taken a lazy pause before uttering his first word, Americans will no longer be bored. They'll want to hear what Obama has to say.
3. At some point, I'm not saying when, maybe when Obama is about a third of the way into his speech, a beautiful blonde, dressed as a 1950's pin-up girl, should walk through the frame in complete silence. This is just the sort of unexplained surreal effect that would add an inscrutable and enigmatic element of magic to the presentation. Obama never looks at the girl. Not even for a split-second. That's crucial.
4. Can the campaign gets audio clips of Sarah Palin making fearful noises? Not screams, but audible expressions of deep anxiety and fear? Kind of an "Oh geez, oh no, oh no please," sort of thing, but spoken with an inflection of real terror. I think if we had that coming from off-camera when Obama is about two-thirds of the way through, that would be completely chilling. Riveting, really. It would also send a subtle message about the terror Americans have come to associate with McCain's selection of her.
5. Finally, at the end, the red circus balls should just fly toward Obama from off camera, and he should grab them out of the air without even looking, and resume juggling them as the scene fades to black. That would be perfect.
Whatever you do tonight, good luck Barack! We're pulling for you.
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