"Ah, say it ain't so, Joe. There you go again, pointing backwards again. Ya prefaced your whole comment with the Bush administration. Now, doggone it, let's look ahead and tell Americans what we have to plan to do for them in the future."
-Sarah Palin to Joe Biden, 2008 Vice Presidential Debate
Apparently, Sarah Palin doesn't believe that a knowledge of past events--or an acknowledgment of mistakes made--is necessary to promote more intelligent action in the future. So, let's imagine an instance in which that same philosophy may have applied to her own parenting techniques:
Governor Palin, seated in the family's living room alongside her eldest daughter, says, "Cut the waterworks there, Bristol. Just tell me what happened."
"I... I'm... Please don't get angry, Mom."
"Now, doggone it, I'm gonna get real angry in a second if ya don't tell me what's doin'."
"Okay. It's..."
"Spit it out there, Missy."
"I'm pregnant."
"Oh, Jeez Louise, Bristol!"
"Mom, please..."
"Well, cheese and crackers, I just can't believe..."
"Mom!"
"Okay. All right. It's gonna be fine. Just take a deep breath there..."
Bristol does.
"First thing's first, I suppose. Are ya married?"
"Mom, you know that I'm not..."
"I do not know, little lady, what you kids do between the hours of nine and three-thirty while I'm off running the great state of Alaska."
"No. Okay? I'm not married."
"Well, there you go, Honey. There's your problem."
"What?"
"And a pretty doggone easy one to fix there."
"It is?"
"Sure is. You and... What's this fella's name? It is a fella--isn't it?--that did this to ya."
"Yes, Mom."
"Good. Cause if a girl went and got ya pregnant, marriage'd be out the window."
"Right."
"Because, Bristol, marriage, like all the other words there, has a definition."
"Got it."
"Good. So, what's his name?"
"Levi."
"Levi Johnston?"
"Yep."
"Hey, now! He's some hockey player, isn't he?"
"Mom..."
"Well, he's got a wicked slap shot, I know that much. I may be busy with the rearing heads and what have ya, but I ain't too busy to keep my ear to the ground about who's slapping shots hard there."
"Yes, he's good at hockey."
"I thought so... Coulda used the ol' wrist shot on this one though."
"What?"
"He coulda masterbat--"
"Ew! Mom!"
"Or you coulda given him a wrister. Either way."
"Mom, please! Stop. It's not helping. You're not..."
"Okay, okay. Take it easy there, Bristol. You're right. That's all in the past there. What's done is done. It's a beautiful miracle and I'm proud of ya."
"Really? You're... You're proud?"
"Course I am there! I'm gonna be the foxiest hockey grandma in Wasilla."
"So you want me to have it?"
"Do I want you to...? What else could ya do with it?"
"Nothing. I don't know. Forget it."
Governor Palin calls the rest of the kids into the living room, "Track, Trig, Willow, Piper, Harpo, get in here!"
They come running--Willow holding Trig, Harpo holding his horn.
Their mother fills them in, "Bristol's getting married!"
"Wow! Yay! Go Bristol!" they all cheer.
"Hoo, hoo, hoo!" Governor Palin pumps her fist. "All right, kids. So, what can we learn from all this there?"
They stare at their mother, and each other, blankly.
"Bristol, can you help out your brothers and sisters there?"
"How?"
"Tell them what ya learned."
"What I learned? Okay. I learned to, um, wear protect--"
"Nope. Grooosss. No, Bristol."
"Okay. Then, uh, don't have sex until you're..."
"Nuh uh, Sweetheart. What have I always said about pointing backwards?"
"Pointing backwards? I'm not... Do you really think...?"
Governor Palin nods, smiling.
"Okay, fine... Pointing backwards."
"Go ahead, Darlin'."
"Okay. So I learned... to... only let the boy put it in your bu--"
"No, Sweetie. That does not... Well, sometimes it works... But, no. What ya learned, what we all learned, is that when ya get pregnant, ya get--come on, Bristol--you get..."
"Married?"
"Bingo!" Governor Palin yells to her husband, "Todd, load up the minivan! We're goin' to the Cosco to try on dresses!"
Harpo honks his horn.