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Bach Juan Pablo Recap 10: The Women Tell All (Through Super White Teeth)

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On Monday night, all of the rejected ladies gathered on a sound stage in L.A. for one last chance to bring shame and infamy to their respective families. They talked about their Bach experience, they wore too much bronzer, and of course Kelly brought her dog/boss (lest we forget about her "job" as a "Dog Lover").

We had to wade through a lot of schmutz promoting the Bachelor franchise before the ladies and their impossibly white teeth were unleashed upon us.

First, Chris Harrison sat down with newlyweds Sean and Catherine. If you need a refresher, Sean is the uber bland, "aww shucks" former Bachelor who chose between cool Catherine and a 24 year old who showed up on night 1 drunk and in a wedding dress. TOUGH CALL! Amazingly, he picked a suitable mate (way to buck Bachelor tradition, Pasty!), proposed to Catherine, and they had a televised wedding with lots of fellow Bach lifers in attendance. Post-wedding, Catherine decided to cut bangs! Their vows said 'till death do us part, but did Sean sign on for BANGS? He should ask President Obama how to handle this one! Catherine describes their wedding night as "quick fireworks" (awkward) and Sean tells a story from their honeymoon when a sting ray latched onto his "man parts." Good luck, you crazy kids.

Then Chris Harrison sat down with Miss Piggy and Kermit (or rather, a Kermit imposter named "Constantine" who shares a name with my favorite American Idol reject and you can read all about that in my book The New Rules for Blondes! OK, shameless plug over.) Apparently they were promoting a new Muppets movie and what better place to do that than on The Bach?

FINALLY! It was the moment we'd all been waiting for: The parade of beautiful rejects who look vaguely familiar and we'd better recognize if they were crying in the back of a limo. Who showed up?

-Lauren H. (She's the girl who was proposed to, then dumped, then came on The Bachelor. Oh girl, maybe stop doing this?)
-Kylie (I had nicknamed her Whitesnake Strawberry Shortcake because she used to be hella white trash, but she has cleaned up! Her red hair is now blonde -- great move -- and she looks awesome! Congrats, but still, see ya never.)
-Danielle (The super bland girl who made it pretty far by flying under the radar. She's very blonde now and I dig it!)
-Elise (The blonde girl with an unlimited supply of sparkly sexpot dresses.)
-Alli (The Andi look-alike continues to look like Andi!)
-Victoria (Forgettable brunette.)
-Chantel (Looking good, made some good points during the conversation.)
-Christie (The Blonde Chameleon is back! She's the girl who was unrecognizable one rose ceremony to the next and she's still morphing!)
-Lauren S. (The piano playing brunette who attempted to kiss Johnny Pabs and was rebuffed. Ouch.)
-Lucy (Who can forget the "Free Spirit"? Blech. She still hasn't discovered make up or hair product but apparently she HAS discovered Arsenio Hall's patented arm move, as she rocks that like it's 1985 up in here.)
-Cassandra (The Former NBA Dancer found time in her busy former dancing schedule to come back to The Bach!)
-Chelsie (She's strawberry blonde now and I'm digging it!)
-Kat (PERFECTION! OK, girl may be a little intense, but this look is phenomenal: bronzer, smoky eye, nude lip, amazing hair, basic black clothing. Hell yeah!)
-Kelly and her dog Molly (and neither of them appear to be wearing pants.)
-Sharleen (Those eyebrows are super angled and she's looking hot.)
-Renee (Big applause for pledge mom! She looks perfect -- deep conditioning, perhaps?)
-Andi (Even bigger applause for Ombre DA. Her seafoam dress is very Palm Springs circa 1965 and I love it.)

Chris Harrison gets the ball rolling and the ladies talk about first night anxiety. Kelly was especially nervous because her dog didn't seem to like Juan Pablo (oh give it up, would you?). Danielle and Lauren immediately share that their conversations with JP were very surface and one-sided (and this will be the theme all night). Alli says that Juan Pablo asked her where she sees herself in 5 years, then days later he asked her where she sees herself in 3 years. Yikes. Dude needs to work on his retention (and also on caring about others). When pianist Lauren says as much, Kelly jumps on her and says that in the house, she was emotional and crazy and this is just sour grapes. Oh Kelly, you're a real gem, ya know that?

The verdict among almost all of the women is that Juan Pablo mostly talks about himself, doesn't listen, didn't seem very curious about any of the women, and was there to find a girlfriend -- not a wife. Oh also, that he used his daughter Camila as an excuse to get out of kissing certain women (awkward) and that he'd constantly talk about being "fair," but it was total crap.

Renee sits down to talk to Chris Harrison about being in the Bachelor house as a single mom (and Cassandra officially becomes the redheaded stepchild of the women on the show with children.) Renee is cool and calm and we learn that she has a man in her life now -- brava!

Sharleen gets in the hot seat and covers her eyes during the montage clip of the most awkward kiss in Bachelor history. She says that they had a great connection, but she knew that he wasn't "the one."

Andi talks to Chris about her dramatic departure and the fantasy suite night that inspired it. She says that behind closed doors Juan Pablo was very negative, name drop-y, and self-obsessed. She says that she will continue to search for a "great love" and I think she means continue her campaign to be made the next Bachelorette. Time will tell, Ombre DA. In the mean time -- I can't believe I'm saying this -- but the Florida Department of Justice needs you!

Johnny Pabs arrives looking Venezuelan cool and casual in a black suite, white shirt with no tie, and proceeds to spend 20 minutes not getting it. He employs the idiotic logic that was VERY popular at my middle school, saying that sure he's rude sometimes, but at least he's honest. Cassandra contends that Juan Pablo shouldn't have met Renee's son Ben if he didn't think that she was the one, which promoted me to scream at the TV, "TRUTH! Also, I love your violet lipstick, Cassandra!" Juan Pablo contends that mothers are more important than fathers across the board (dude LOVES generalizations!), Chantel says that ALL of the women left a lot of things behind to be on the show (PREACH!), and Lucy chimes in that this isn't a game (why so serious, Free Spirit?). Kelly brings up Juan Pablo's comment about how gay people are "more pervert" and JP insists that it was taken out of context (not sure what in context that remotely OK, but whatever).

The 17 rejected women (do some rejects get further rejected by not being invited to the Women Tell All episode? Guess you'd better stand out during the season, huh?) spend an hour insisting that they took the process seriously and they were all searching for a husband, then completely contradict that by declaring their allegiance to either "Team Nikki" or "Team Clare" in the final moments. Sharleen, Kelly and her dog are on Team Nikki; everyone else (myself included) is on Team Clare.

Who do you think is going to get the proposal? Either of them? Will Juan Pablo simply walk away from it all, as the promo clips would have us believe? We'll find out Monday!