On Monday the thirteen remaining ladies and Johnny Pabs packed their suitcases and headed for the land of K Pop, Gangham Style, and marketplaces that sell the horrifying delicacies from Fear Factor: South Korea! Upon learning that they are heading to Seoul, South Korea, California hairdresser Clare exclaimed, "Korea -- I don't even have a Kimono!" but I'm sure she meant a hanbok (the tradition garment for formal events in Korea, as we ALL know). Johnny Pabs travels alone (like a Venzuelan rolling stone) and roams the streets of Seoul solo while the ladies make the trip together while shrieking, smiling and being so damn American all along the way.
The first date card arrives to their hotel suite in Seoul and it just says "Pop" from JP. The group date will be Chelsie, Cassandra, Elise, Danielle, Kat, and Nikki (as I noticed immediately, majority blonde). Cassandra wonders if the "pop" clue means that their group date will involve popcorn, apparently forgetting that Chris Harrison JUST spoke to them about K Pop.
The gals report to a dance studio where they learn a dance number along with 21, Korea's biggest K Pop group. Johnny Pabs has got some sweet moves, Kat pops and locks a little too hard, and Nikki makes a completely fool of herself by doing The Sprinkler. Turns out the gang didn't learn a dance number just to learn a dance number (because this isn't a middle school sleepover) -- they are going to be the backup dancers for 21 at a mall show that night! It takes me back to the time I saw Luke Perry make an appearance at the Atrium in Chestnut Hill, MA. Sigh.
The girls get dressed up and mostly look like idiots (except for Danielle who rocks a rad jersey that says "SNAP" and Elise who looks surprisingly fantastic in a few braided cornrows) then head to the mall. 21 perform, then invites the Bach crew onstage where they backup dance and then (seemingly) just free dance. You'd think that "Former NBA Dancer" Cassandra would be in her element, but it's Kat who is a Dancing Machine (Jackson 5 style).
After the concert, the gang gets dressed up for an after party, during which Kat tells Juan Pablo about her family and fears (her father was too busy paying fines for 7 DUIs that he never paid child support -- ouch) and Nikki talks enough smack that Danielle and Elise both say she's super negative. In her alone time with Johnny Pabs, Nikki says that she'd love to meet Camilla and that she's a great diaper changer (either she doesn't know anything about potty training or she doesn't realize Camilla's age). Nikki gets a rose and further pisses off the other women.
The next day is a Sharleen & Johnny Pabs one on one AKA She's All That, Bachelor style. JP says that Sharleen is his favorite while Chelsie says that Sharleen said that Juan Pablo is boring (yes, the second half of that sentence came straight out of Ferris Bueller's Day Off). They explore a market and a tea house (where they remove their shoes and I hope that a kindly South Korean threw Sharleen's frumpy, sensible pumps in a fire because they were horrific) where Sharleen tells Johnny Pabs that he's cheeky and explains the meaning of "bland" to him. I wish that JP had explained the meaning of "patronizing" to her, but he just rolled with it.
That evening Johnny Pabs pushes Sharleen to sing and she relents after some prodding, then they have a candlelit dinner and discuss travel, home, and kids. JP asks Sharleen twice if she wants kids and she shares that her career has always been her focus and she simply never thought about kids. Brava, Sharleen! Not every woman thinks about having kids or wants to have kids and that's fine! It takes all kinds. It's not often that we hear any non-traditional views expressed on The Bachelor and I found that exchange SO refreshing. Sharleen scores a rose.
Then it's time for another group date ("Let's get krazy in Korea") with 5 brunettes and Clare. They do karaoke (Eliza Dushku look-alike Andi is horrible), get fish pedicures (Renee has tasty feet), and eat octopus (Clare makes a big show of swallowing and Kelly gripes, "her piece was this big and I know that you've swallowed bigger things than that." ZING! Also, where is our dog, Kelly?).
That night during the cocktail party, Renee has some alone time with JP and wants a kiss, so she asks him, "how would Camilla feel if she saw me kiss you?" (Maybe don't lead with that if you actually WANT a kiss?) Andi busts Juan Pablo's chops and he says, "Aye yi yi!" like a hot, blonde Ricky Ricardo. Lauren finally gets some alone time with JP and she asks him for a kiss (awkward), which he turns down (even worse), then she starts crying (please make it stop!). Despite his insistence that he wasn't going to kiss anyone that night, Johnny Pabs makes out with Clare because of her "sexy teeth"(this after she tells him that she threw up in her mouth earlier but swallowed it back down). After that smooch and vomit talk, ombre DA Andi gets the rose.
Finally it's cocktail party and rose ceremony time and the ladies are ready for a night of freezing temperatures and flirting. Nikki is turning into a nightmare with her insecurity, negativity, and pushiness. Nikki, Sharleen, and Andi have roses, but who else wins a flower?
-Renee (top dog this week! But I fear for her future. She needs a kiss pronto!)
-Chelsie (cute and fun, JP seems to dig her)
-Kelly (she's being kept around solely for her smack talking)
-Danielle (she's still in the game, despite the fact that I don't think Johnny Pabs has spoken more than 5 words to her)
-Cassandra (she's sporting an awesome, 1 sleeve dress and still wondering what K Pop is)
-Alison (AKA Alli, who needs to leave so I can differentiate her from Andi)
-Clare (Ozzy was right: I'm going off the rails on a crazy train)
-Kat (she's not just fun & games, you guys, she also has a boozehound father)
So who is hopping on the shuttle bus that is running while the MTA is doing track work on the L train, but they are going to get dropped off at the intersection of See Ya Street and Embarrassment Avenue?
-Elise (seal up that cornucopia of sexpot dresses, sweet lady, your tour ends here)
-Lauren (the pianist from TX has played her final ditty)
Now they're down to 11 ladies and the U.S. military engagement tour rolls onto their next stop: VIETNAM!
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