For SELF, by Amy Marturana.
Disclosing your struggles may be daunting, but it can also bring you a lot of relief.
Calling in sick to work is pretty easy to do. Of course, some people can take sick days much more easily than others. But when you’re totally sidelined with the flu, you probably don’t feel like you have to hide the real reason you can’t make it to the office.
It’s not as easy, though, to tell your boss you need a mental health day. “We’re comfortable talking about all the ways life gets hard and our bodies break down, but for some reason we put an asterisk by our brain,” says Jamie Tworkowski, founder of To Write Love on Her Arms, a nonprofit organization dedicated to providing hope and help for those struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide. “It’s our belief that mental health shouldn’t have an asterisk by it. It shouldn’t be any different,” he tells SELF.
Many people fear that being honest about their struggles with mental health will make people see them differently. And since mental health can still carry a stigma, sometimes that fear is warranted. The last thing anyone wants it to feel judged or looked down upon every day at work.
However, there are situations where it might be prudent to disclose mental health struggles to your boss. In fact, it can be a great opportunity to reframe what people believe about mental illness. “Stigma tends to go away when we speak openly and honestly about our needs,” Tworkowski says.
In addition, you might feel a sense of relief once you speak up. “It’s living truthfully, it’s being honest,” Marc J. Romano, Psy.D., assistant medical director at Ocean Breeze Recovery, tells SELF.
Here, mental health professionals share some tips for broaching the topic with your boss in a way that makes you — and your manager — feel comfortable.
First, think about why you’re disclosing this information.
“Have a goal in mind,” says Katherine Glick, licensed professional counselor, certified holistic health coach, and therapist at Talkspace. “Think about why you are disclosing this to your boss,” she tells SELF.
The best reason to bring it up is if it’s impacting your work. “If it’s making you late, causing productivity problems, affecting how you’re interacting with coworkers, or causing any sort of issue within your working environment, you should talk to your boss,” she says. If not, and there’s really no work-related reason for you to disclose it, she says it might not be worth bringing it up.
Feel out the situation.
Especially if you’ve been working somewhere for a while, you can get a good sense of how understanding your boss will be. “Get a sense of what their general attitude is like. If they use words that are pejorative and discriminatory, and use them flippantly, you can maybe get a sense of how sensitive (or not) they are to these kind of things,” Glick says.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your boss, go to an HR associate first.
If you’re not sure how your boss will respond, go to HR first. Romano tells SELF that sometimes it’s a good idea to talk to HR from the get-go. “If you suffer from chronic and severe mental illness, you probably want to share that with HR and not wait until there’s problems at work, because then it could look like you’re just bringing it up because you don’t want to get in trouble,” he says.
An HR rep can also can help you, or even go with you to discuss it with your manager. Glick suggests this could be helpful “just so the HR person can monitor any responses that are unethical or inappropriate.”
Talk about it when you’re feeling well.
“You want to address the issue when you’re relatively healthy and not when you’re having a problem,” Romano says. “You can make stronger points, you’ll feel more stable, and you can be more objective when you talk about the issue.” By speaking directly and providing a bit of education, you can walk away confident that you made the right choice in saying something.
Turn it into a teaching moment.
You might receive a response that’s less compassionate and understanding than you were hoping. “But that really comes down to a lack of knowledge,” Romano explains. Much of what people believe about mental illness comes from two things: their personal experiences and the media.
“Much of what people believe about mental illness comes from two things: their personal experiences and the media.”
Everyone has their own biases and prejudices, Glick says. “If someone has had exposure to [mental health conditions], but from only one perspective, that could kind of skew how they respond.” Glick recommends bringing it up in a way that’s relatable and easy for the other person to understand. “If they are ignorant around the topic, the way you deliver it is going to help shape whatever perspective they have.” Be ready to provide more information on what your diagnosis means, or what’s important to know about people who have it.
If you see a therapist regularly, they would be an excellent resource to help you decide what to do and how to approach your boss.
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