LETTER FROM THE U.S. GOVERNMENT TO ITS CITIZENS
We have no strategy. None.
I know you guys want us to do something about Ukraine, ISIS, immigration, the budget, and many other things but really, we don't have any idea what to do about any of it.
Now you may be tempted to criticize us or assume that you could do better, but rest assured you're absolutely wrong. We tried many times to do many things but it just never seems to work out. For one thing, we can't even agree amongst ourselves on what to do and then there is the problem of actually having the balls to do anything, which we honestly don't.
Take Ukraine for example. To take a stand against Russia's aggression, we would actually have to go to war with a powerful enemy and that is just a political loser for all of us in Washington. We feel for the people of Ukraine but our desire to not piss off American voters and to win elections is a lot stronger. In our defense though, we have imposed some economic sanctions and take every opportunity we can to criticize Russia in the press. Trust us -- words can hurt!
As for ISIS, those guys are just scary and we really don't want to f$%k with them. I mean, those maniacs chop off people's heads! If we messed with them any more than we have, what else might they do to us? No, it's best to just leave them alone and go about our business. It's the prudent thing to do and one day when you are still walking around breathing you will realize that we did you a huge favor.
On domestic issues, please recognize that to do anything we would have to be smart enough to figure out what actions would actually work versus those that could backfire, and the collective intellectual strength in Washington is pretty low right now. You think you want us to do something, but believe us, you will regret it if we do. Look at what happens when we try to fix something -- does it ever get fixed? Noooooooooooo.
The point is that with our track record, it is actually better that we do nothing.
So forget strategy, forget progress, and most of all, stop expecting things from us. We simply have no clue. We keep hinting at it but you idiots just don't get it. If you would not expect a man in a wheelchair to get up and run the marathon or Kim Kardashian to stop posting bikini selfies then you should not expect us to govern.
Please understand that our only goal is to write books one day for lots of money or wind up on corporate boards with our beltway connections after we retire from public service, nothing more.
In the meantime, our media consultants tell us that if you would just buy whatever nonsense we dish out, you will all be much happier and can then rely on us to keep our promises. Think about it -- if we say we're not going to do anything and then we don't do anything, you won't have to be disappointed. Now that's a win-win!
The U.S. government
Seriously Skewed is brought to you by God knows who? Follow us at @seriouslyskewed or find us on Facebook for more cutting edge satire!
HuffPost Entertainment is your one-stop shop for celebrity news, hilarious late-night bits, industry and awards coverage and more — sent right to your inbox six days a week. Learn more