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	<title><![CDATA[New Cell Phone Risks Cause Panic Among Assholes]]></title>
	<url>http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andy-borowitz/new-cell-phone-risks-caus_b_116877.html</url>
	<abstract><![CDATA[<p>A new medical report showing that excessive cell phone use may increase the risk of cancer has sparked widespread fear among the nation's assholes, prominent assholes confirmed today.</p>

<p>For years, America's assholes have talked relentlessly on their cell phones -- while waiting on supermarket lines, sitting on the bus, or even crossing the street -- regardless of the effect their annoying chatter has had on those around them.</p>

<p>But with a new doctor's warning that cell phone use could pose a serious...</p>]]></abstract>
	<taxonomy><![CDATA[Living]]></taxonomy>
	<date_published>2008-08-04T18:37:00-04:00</date_published>
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