2. Will lose all urge to secretly vote Republican.

3. That novel you always swore you'd write, if only you had the time? You have the time.

4. No need to hunt down the most distinctive artisanal cheese: Your new gastronomic thrill will be finding pork at 49 cents a pound.

5. Can once again stand to be friends with venture capitalists and hedge fund managers.

6. The overgrooming...