6 Other Things that Aren't "Change We Can Believe In"

By now, McCain's "green speech" has been widely praised as one of the funniest half-hours of television since Arrested Development was canceled. The speech aimed to turn Obama's "Change We Can Believe In" slogan into a surprise Mac Attack by inserting the words "That's Not" at the beginning of it. As if this wasn't exciting enough, McCain proceeded to deliver the speech with all the energy and eloquence of Frankenstein on barbiturates -- pausing awkwardly after each declaration to offer a snicker and yellowed smile, as if to ask the adoring crowd of several hundred, "wasn't that capital?" It was at once painful and delightful to behold. Painful, because we have to sit through five more months of his awkward cadence. Delightful, because it's already obvious just how badly McCain's efforts to brand himself as the "change" candidate are going to fail. That is, unless THESE are the kind of changes he's talking about:

1. Excruciating Hypocrisy - McCain delivered the green speech near New Orleans, and in it, he took the Bush administration to task for their failure to respond to Katrina. Do you know where John McCain was when Katrina made landfall? He was standing on a tarmac in Arizona, receiving a birthday cake from his friend George W. Bush. That's not change we can believe in.

2. Lack of Self-Control - Having a temper is one thing. But there's a difference between blowing your stack behind closed doors and McCain's tendency to say the wrong thing in front of the wrong people. Whether it's the childish "bomb Iran" Beach Boys cover, the "100 years is fine with me" gaffe, calling his wife a "c--t" in front of reporters, threatening other legislators with violence, or that infamous Chelsea Clinton joke he made at a GOP fundraiser -- McCain has a rare talent for putting his foot in his mouth near an open mic. That's definitely not change we can believe in.

3. Lack of Support for Our Troops - McCain knows firsthand the sacrifices made by our troops and their families, yet he won't he support the G.I. Bill -- which was co-sponsored by his Republican ally, John Warner, and which would dramatically expand educational benefits for our soldiers. And why doesn't he support it? Because the benefits are so good, the military is worried that too many soldiers will leave active duty to get their degrees. So there you have it -- John McCain's policy on supporting our men and women in uniform: "They deserve the very best, just as long as it's not TOO good -- and assuming we don't have to raise taxes to pay for it." That sure as hell ain't change we can believe in.

4. Coziness with Lobbyists - We all know that McCain likes to tout himself as a "maverick." But the truth is, McCain was forced to reinvent himself as a "maverick" because he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He was one of five Senators investigated for corruption in the Keating scandal of 1989, in which it was alleged that (in return for money and other favors) McCain sought to have the government ease off its investigation of savings and loan chairman Charles Keating. You'd think he would've learned from this political near-death experience, but as we saw in his snuggly friendship with lobbyist Vicki Iseman, and the recent purging of lobbyists from his campaign (there are still over 100 of them running it), he's learned nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, you're damn right that's not change we can believe in.

5. An Antiquated World View - It's not the age of McCain's body that troubles me -- it's the age of his ideas. Like George W. Bush, he operates from a belief that America is infallible, that might makes right, and that anyone who doesn't agree with us is not only wrong - but our enemy. Here at home, he believes in the same trickle down economic policies that have been failing the middle class and escalating our national debt since the early 1980's. That IS change we can believe in, but only if it's Opposites Day.

6. Cowardice - No one can ever take away the heroic truth that John McCain sat in a cell for five torturous years on behalf his country. He was a brave young man. But somewhere between Hanoi and Washington, that brave young man became an old pandering coward. For eight years, we've watched McCain suckle the teat of his political idol, George W. Bush. Especially sickening, given the fact that Bush is the same man who tried to destroy McCain's family in the 2000 primaries. The same man who went after his daughter. And yet, because it was politically convenient to do so, John McCain threw his arms around Bush and never let go. Threw his arms around a man he didn't even vote for. A man he secretly hated with a passion he scarcely knew he was capable of. To some, that merely makes John McCain a ruthless opportunist or a terrible father. In my eyes, it makes him a coward. How can a man who won't even stand up for his family stand up for our country? How can a man who was too afraid to stand his ground against a joke like Bush stand his ground against brutal dictators? My fellow Americans...

That's not change we can believe in.

Comments

[Galt907]

The "might makes right" crowd/argument as always offended me, because, philosophically it justifies the holocaust. (The Nazis were right to kill 6 million Jews, because they had the might to so)

[gopindrag]

I'm am so looking forward to the 527's trying to exploit Obama's youthfulness and dramatize McCain's 72 years of experience. It's time for a very old man to champion "change we can do without."

[vcabq]

Seth,
You are my new hero. FANTASTIC ARTICLE. If only there was someway you could read it outloud to McCain?
Wonderful, Fantastic.

[Beverly]

Please- he needs the money Bush can raise for him, so of course he is going to cuddle up to him.

[TN]

Cracked my up

[Jazzbeau]

Hope your 'up' heals. Is your 'down' okay? 8^)

[ReElectNoOne]

Ok, I don't want to degrade anyone who was a POW but McCain got caught and had no choice. It was not something he chose to do for his country, getting caught. It was something everyone tries NOT to do.

So while it is commendable that he and thousands of other American's survived that hell, McCain is but one of them. Given his current non-support of our soldiers, perhaps he is one of the lesser to have survived.

Bush / McCain, I really can't tell them apart other than the fact that at least McCain did serve in the military while Bush made it a part-time hobby.

[Okieborn]

How very true Re-Elect No One !!
John Mccain should retire before he hurts himself walking or falling off something !!
My God can this Guy really think he is going to be elected President since he is Bush's soul mate ???

[Manchurian]

Don't get me wrong - I'm an Obama man - but from what I understand, John McCain did do something very noble as a POW. Apparently, he could have been released much earlier (due to his father being a Navy admiral), but he chose to stay a POW rather than take advantage of circumstances other POWs did not enjoy.

[stryker]

McCain did a noble thing by not jumping ahead in the line of POWs to be released. However, had he done so he would have been ostracized by all the POWs as a chickensh**. HIs being a POW does not make him a great leader. Admiral John Stockdale spent seven years as a Nam POW. He ran for VP with Ross Perot in 1992. Anybody remember his famous quote during the VP debate? "I don't even know what the hell I'm doing here!" I don't beleive McCain does, either. Hope Obama does take him up on the debates. They'll give the American voters 10x to see that McCain offers nothing.

[djccq]

Regarding Mccain's imprisonment: he certainly showed personal courage, which is commendable. It does not, however, make him a hero; a hero is one who uses personal courage not to demonstrate endurance, but to save or help a fellow human being. Perhaps if he had accepted the offer to be sent home early, and then appeared before Congress and/or made a public statement denouncing the immoral war in which he was serving, he might have helped save some of the 58, 000 soldiers who lost their lives in that conflict. THAT would have truly been heroic.

[Lambie]

Dang, this article was a real knee slapper. I laughed so hard I had to get up from my desk at work and do a walk-about.

[Chas53]

Until McCain releases results of neuropsychiatric testing, the questions of his mental competence will continue. Lots of gaffes, seems to be some cognitive decline going on here. Which is not unusual for someone in their 70's.

[sxp151]

Great article, but would be better if it had links to some of the more obscure controversies (like c**t, the Chelsea Clinton joke, the attacks on his daughter, etc.). I know all the references, but do other people?

[uclafan]

You forgot to put 'insert creepy smile here' after "that's not change we can believe in"

[uclafan]

You forgot to put after each "that's not change we can believe in"

[FOXYLADY]

EACH AND EVERY TIME I WATCH MCCAIN SPEAK ON THE TV OR READ ARTICLES REGARDING HIS CAMPAIGN, I FEEL SICK THINKING HE JUST MIGHT WIN THE PRESIDENCY!! AWHILE BACK I WAS DISGUSTED WITH HIM WHEN HE DIDN'T CONTROL OR CORRECT A WOMAN SAYING, "HOW ARE WE GOING TO STOP THAT BITCH?"....I WONDER IF ANYONE ELSE REMEMBERS THAT? WELL, MCCAIN ACTED SOMEWHAT EMBARRASSED BUT HE DIDN'T CORRECT HER OR TELL HER THAT HER REMARK WAS NOT NICE OR UNCALLED FOR. FROM THAT DAY ONWARD I KNEW THAT HE WAS "NOT THE PERSON TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.....HE IS A PETTY, OLD FOOL WHO WON'T BE ABLE TO HANDLE THE PRESIDENCY AND ALL IT ENTAILS!!!!

[JoshSN]

Seth,

McCain certainly is someone who is willing to do what is politically convenient, but it is inaccurate to call George Walker McCain's "idol."

George Walker has hard and fast principles which he believes everyone else should follow, and has the kind of political courage and forthrightness to tell you exactly what he wants you to believe.

-Josh

[rleroygordon]

Uhmm, I'd have to disagree with you on the principles, courage, and forthrightness. There's nothing principled about kissing up to the pseudo-conservatives and anti-god forces. There's nothing principled about lying to start and promote a war. There's nothing forthright about coming up with a "plan" for America and refusing to change it when it goes wrong. There's nothing courageous about his calling people "traitors" when they disagree with him.

Principled? Courageous? Forthright?

Those words are among the LAST ones that I'd use to describe Bush.

[Binx101]

This piece was just what I needed to read.

'Excruciating Hypocrisy' is perfect !!

Your story will be our centerpiece link for the weekend.

Thanks,

Binx101
The Almost Daily Binx
http://binx101.wordpress.com

[MinuteMan]

The GOP know that McCain's campaign is a joke but if they don't go on with the charade there will hardly be a GOPer left in Congress in 2009—and there's going to be damn few of them in any case.