6 Other Things that Aren't "Change We Can Believe In"

By now, McCain's "green speech" has been widely praised as one of the funniest half-hours of television since Arrested Development was canceled. The speech aimed to turn Obama's "Change We Can Believe In" slogan into a surprise Mac Attack by inserting the words "That's Not" at the beginning of it. As if this wasn't exciting enough, McCain proceeded to deliver the speech with all the energy and eloquence of Frankenstein on barbiturates -- pausing awkwardly after each declaration to offer a snicker and yellowed smile, as if to ask the adoring crowd of several hundred, "wasn't that capital?" It was at once painful and delightful to behold. Painful, because we have to sit through five more months of his awkward cadence. Delightful, because it's already obvious just how badly McCain's efforts to brand himself as the "change" candidate are going to fail. That is, unless THESE are the kind of changes he's talking about:

1. Excruciating Hypocrisy - McCain delivered the green speech near New Orleans, and in it, he took the Bush administration to task for their failure to respond to Katrina. Do you know where John McCain was when Katrina made landfall? He was standing on a tarmac in Arizona, receiving a birthday cake from his friend George W. Bush. That's not change we can believe in.

2. Lack of Self-Control - Having a temper is one thing. But there's a difference between blowing your stack behind closed doors and McCain's tendency to say the wrong thing in front of the wrong people. Whether it's the childish "bomb Iran" Beach Boys cover, the "100 years is fine with me" gaffe, calling his wife a "c--t" in front of reporters, threatening other legislators with violence, or that infamous Chelsea Clinton joke he made at a GOP fundraiser -- McCain has a rare talent for putting his foot in his mouth near an open mic. That's definitely not change we can believe in.

3. Lack of Support for Our Troops - McCain knows firsthand the sacrifices made by our troops and their families, yet he won't he support the G.I. Bill -- which was co-sponsored by his Republican ally, John Warner, and which would dramatically expand educational benefits for our soldiers. And why doesn't he support it? Because the benefits are so good, the military is worried that too many soldiers will leave active duty to get their degrees. So there you have it -- John McCain's policy on supporting our men and women in uniform: "They deserve the very best, just as long as it's not TOO good -- and assuming we don't have to raise taxes to pay for it." That sure as hell ain't change we can believe in.

4. Coziness with Lobbyists - We all know that McCain likes to tout himself as a "maverick." But the truth is, McCain was forced to reinvent himself as a "maverick" because he got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He was one of five Senators investigated for corruption in the Keating scandal of 1989, in which it was alleged that (in return for money and other favors) McCain sought to have the government ease off its investigation of savings and loan chairman Charles Keating. You'd think he would've learned from this political near-death experience, but as we saw in his snuggly friendship with lobbyist Vicki Iseman, and the recent purging of lobbyists from his campaign (there are still over 100 of them running it), he's learned nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, you're damn right that's not change we can believe in.

5. An Antiquated World View - It's not the age of McCain's body that troubles me -- it's the age of his ideas. Like George W. Bush, he operates from a belief that America is infallible, that might makes right, and that anyone who doesn't agree with us is not only wrong - but our enemy. Here at home, he believes in the same trickle down economic policies that have been failing the middle class and escalating our national debt since the early 1980's. That IS change we can believe in, but only if it's Opposites Day.

6. Cowardice - No one can ever take away the heroic truth that John McCain sat in a cell for five torturous years on behalf his country. He was a brave young man. But somewhere between Hanoi and Washington, that brave young man became an old pandering coward. For eight years, we've watched McCain suckle the teat of his political idol, George W. Bush. Especially sickening, given the fact that Bush is the same man who tried to destroy McCain's family in the 2000 primaries. The same man who went after his daughter. And yet, because it was politically convenient to do so, John McCain threw his arms around Bush and never let go. Threw his arms around a man he didn't even vote for. A man he secretly hated with a passion he scarcely knew he was capable of. To some, that merely makes John McCain a ruthless opportunist or a terrible father. In my eyes, it makes him a coward. How can a man who won't even stand up for his family stand up for our country? How can a man who was too afraid to stand his ground against a joke like Bush stand his ground against brutal dictators? My fellow Americans...

That's not change we can believe in.

Comments

[darcy]

Well done, Mr. Grahame-Smith!

[KarlaElisa]

After seeing the documentary "Uncounted", about the 2000 & 2004 election, I too fear another debacle with paperless voting in 08. It IS set to happen again. THAT should be what the Dems are looking long, hard and fast at right now. If McCain is elected that is going to be how it happens.
So Ohio, Florida and other areas need to be pressuring their precincts right now to make necessary changes that are approved.
In Oregon they mail in the ballots and have roughly 2-3 weeks to do it. It's a verifiable system that allows people to not have to take time away from the normal day to stand in a voting line and if you don't receive your ballot when they are supposed to come out you have a couple of weeks to work the bugs out of whats gone wrong. It's a system that would do well reproduced in troubled areas and is not all that costly.

[kithogan]

Mail in ballots are a joke......­....they can be tampered with easily, need to buy a

stamp to send them in (poll tax) and no one checks to see if you're an American

citizen or not.......­....husban­ds can vote their wives ballots, kids can vote for

senile parents or mentally challenged family members...­there are NO controls

on mail in system....­..........­.wish we had polling places like we had before....

[hippynanainblingland]

A 42 cent stamp as a poll tax! Ingenious! As opposed to whatever the gas costs you to drive to the pollig place, I suppose? A stamp seems like the cheaper poll tax to me.

And in order to get a ballot I had to prove my citizenship, so there!

[GuyRC]

The republicans and centrists re-elected GWB. Anything can happen in this country.

[BetterDeadthanRedState]

Technically, no, at most he was elected only once.

[Quitcherbichin]

You must be alluding to the 2000 election that Al Gore tried to steal. I find it intriguing that all of the Dems and the MSM screamed bloody murder that Gore won the popular vote and, therefore should be anointed president. Never mind the fact that the Constitution has no provisions for presidential election by popular vote. Those are the rules. Fast forward to 2008. HRC is complaining that she should be the nominee because she will have the most popular votes. The Democrat party says that ain't the rules. Where is the MSM? They just blow it off in their haste to lay the nomination at the feet of BO. Funny how the Dems like to have it both ways.

[Deparis]

This old man John "bomb, bomb, bomb Iran" McCain is even more dangerous than W. "nuclelar" Bush. We should all come out in drones in November to make sure that he does not go anywhere near that Oval Office.

[rleroygordon]

"We should all come out in drones in November..­.."

Nonono, it was the drones that came out twice to vote for the Shrub. What you meant to say was "We should all come out in DROVES in November..­.."

[Jazzbeau]

Funny, but I thought it was 'Nuquelar.­'

[DDHereNow]

Very nice article for the most part (although I think calling McCain a coward is likely to generate more heat than light.)

After that speech, I couldn't help but think "hey, bartender - bring me two of what Harold Ford is drinking."

[CatfishJohn]

...in physical appearance and ability to geenrate excitement and enthusiasm as a campaigner, Johnny Bush III resembels a bolw od cottage cheese- the difference being that even a stale bowl of cottage cheese doesnt show signs of early dementia..­... the rhetoricaly brilliiant Obama should take McBush up on his challenge of "10 town hall meetings".­..it would amount to an enduring embarassment for the republicans of enormous magnitude and could catalyze a landslide.­...

[WillNYC]

no McSame wants these town hall meetings because of the crowds Obama draws. Let the GOP and McSame get people to show up to his gathering on there own limited dime.

[Fotios]

Obama should take him up on a few town hall meetings, a few moderated debates and a few unmoderated debates where we can watch the two of them have honest back and forth discussions of the issues. That may stop the pandering to audiences or moderaters throwing out whatever questions they would like to hear and stopping the discussion whenever they want. Why would I want the debates to be run by the morons in a crowd or the pundants responsible for the destruction or our independant media.

[SFGardener]

Yes .....

[Axolotl]

McCaine aint no speech guy, and that's ok. I'd be more worried about his thinking and actions.
Turn his back on the GI bill? Endorse Bush's brand of torture of captives? Call his wife a "cun*"? Forget his own voting record? Can't keep the enemies in Iraq straight? Believes that reducing violence in Iraq is "victory" for the US--he can't grasp the lack of political progress.

I am afraid his memory, lucidity and IQ are browning out, quickly. It is not an age thing but rather overexposure to the toxic world of rich people, Bush brainwashing, and fear.

And we haven't even talked about his role in the Forrestal fire that killed 132 of his shipmates, the Keating 5.....I could go on, but it would be hard to keep up with the daily disclosures and gaffes from this once affable person.

No free pass for Johnny McCaine

[Common1]

It is absolutely frightening that this man would even be considered given the close proximity to the Bush policies that has set this country back nearly a century. His speech, which was intended to contrast visions, only displayed how archaic and stubbornly anti-innovative this man is. It was laughable.

[serialcoma]

"laughable" except it was given as a serious speech, not a stand up comedy routine, by someone who could become our next President.­...

[TXfemmom]

I truly believe that one should never underestimate the ability of the American people to act like sheep and be willing to jump over the cliff in voting for people who shall do them great harm while serving in public office or the Presidency.

The Dems need to understand and Obama's supporters need to understand that sniping at and saying very devisive and derogatory things about Clinton is not going to serve the Party well in the fall. Some recognition of Hillary and her supporters as being interested in the best interests of this country would go a long way toward uniting the party and the sniping and nastiness should be used for McCain.

[Lerk4]

Excuse me but nowhere on this post do I see anyone "sniping" about Hillary. In fact, every single one is about McCain. Perhaps if you all could knock that chip off your shoulders and stop whining, we could as a party move on.

I got news for you... it's not about her anymore. It's about McCain and Obama.

[mediawatcher1975]

I agree. If Hillary had won we would have already moved on and stopped bemoaning the fact that our candidate lost. We are first and foremost Democrats and that it what will bring us together.

[veteran1964]

I think that this person that bitched about some sniping coming from Obama must have had a big ear operation and a terrible hearing loss during the last 16 months. Obama has complimented Hillary after every win and never got one back at any win. He kept his criticism away as much as he could about Hillary and she and her cohorts were talking race, RFK, assassinations, white voters, complimenting McCAIN....­.What is wrong with these Hillary supporters­....ARE THEY ALL DEAF AND (SORRY) UNEDUCATED? God people, go back to school and learn how to listen and diagnose something. You are FOLLOWERS and thats all.

[Manchurian]

Maybe the poster was confusing McCain and Clinton due to their voting records on authorizing the war against Iraq.

[conscioushope]

Are you in the wrong place?

Your comments do not pertain to anything near what the article was about.

[onelovecandy]

"Yellowed Smile".. Seth Seth Imma tryin to drink my morning coffee ova here...LMA­O!!!!!!!!!­!

[lvdragonlady]

We need to know what his mental state is?
5 years in a POW camp, no one comes out of that whole.
Where are his medical records for this?

[parkerfly38]

Outdated, is all.

No one can come out of such an experience unscathed, but you can come out functional. Let's not give a guy a hard time for being a POW and go for the cheap shots. From POW camps to concentration camps, survivors of either are touched by the experience, but they can remain functional in spite of it. I'm not sure what John McCain's problems are, but they have more to do with conservative politics than military experience, it would seem.

[katheyquilts]

HU-M-M-M-M-M-M-M Is that a comment on our "visiters" in GITMO and Abu Gharib?

[hippynanainblingland]

Functional, yes, maybe... but not necessarily functional enough to lead a country. And I can't help but wonder how come McCain "won" the nomination. There must have been many others who might have been more capable in the republic party, though, to tell the truth, I can't think of any. The ones that came forth to declaim their desire to be POTUS all seemed scary to me. So, I really, really wonder what disqualified all the rest. A greater reluctance (than McBush) to truly follow through with Bush's programs and methods, maybe? It makes me wonder what they have in store for us... another stolen election is not that far from impossible!

[DickClark]

"Functional" is not good enough....­.
The American public deserves to know this informatio­n....
The American public deserves to know reasons, other than his age, why he behaves as he does and has since his POW release.

[Citizen54]

The author is right about McCain. But look at the latest polls: McCain is tied with Obama. By the time the Republican operatives and fawning media are done, McCain could very well be elected. Instead of laughing at McCain and believing that the American people won't get fooled again (never underestimate our willingness to be suckered, to kind of quote Mencken), Democrats and anyone else who cares about this country needs to figure out how to take real control of Congress so that McCain and the Republicans can be thwarted.

[mwalton]

Seth: You are fantastic!

[Reveille]

"No one ever went broke betting on the stupidity of the American public"- Mark Twain

[Changenow710]

You would think the concept of a McCain presidency would be ludicrous enough to a majority of voters that the election would be a walk for Obama. BUT.....if McCain can pluck that fear string yet again AND if the Bush administration has so damaged the better angels of our national spirit (both of which are real possibilities), that's what we may be looking at. I'm keeping my Canadian options open (especially for my 17 year old son), but I'm going to work my butt off for Obama to try to prevent it from happening.

[uclafan]

wont we see different numbers once the race is not split three ways?

[mayrose]

Exactly, and to me sucking up to Bush and his cronies after they had trashed his family was the worst of all. It showed that he had no morals left whatever.

[TomInJax]

Perfect post. All points well made.

As someone who recently got rid of cable to cut costs, I had to endure what was shown on the networks, and part of it was McBush. He looked like Skeletor in front of that green backdrop.

[JackLivigni]

For a very long time, when I didn't know him hardly at all, I used to like McCain. He seems very sincere and straight in his speaking, which was refreshing for a republican. I started doubting his integrity at the 2004 RNC, when he spoke in defense of Bush.

Now it is clear to me how false and calculating the man actually is. It is actually quite sad, but it confirms how bankrupt the Republican party really is.

[PackyJ]

Unfortunately, the Republican Party is only MORALLY bankrupt.

[labstellamom4]

Yup....in a nut shell!! Standing behind all of those Evangelical voters who are too afraid to take responsibility and vote for change....­rememba...­Jesus got yo back !! I love this piece....o­ld, tired, frankensteinian, yellowed ,tattered, bitter and wanting to be Americas face to the world.....­..Um...I dont think so!!! Karl Rove will have to pull this rabbit out of somewhere else to get a winner here !!!

[cybertoothcat]

My friend, you are quite correct. I am afraid that we will see Rovian tactics used as we've never seen before. The Repugnant Party is desperate to keep the White House and the people of the USA and the world cannot tolerate another 4 to 8 years of Bush/Cheney extended through McCain.
This is our most desperate hour. Help us, Barack Obama. You're our only hope.

[Changenow710]

I lost it when he prostituted himself by speaking for Falwell at Liberty University, after correctly calling the born agains an evil and hypocritical movement. I hope Obama's team is smart enough to juxtapose those two speeches.

[faithfully]

right. In 2000 in NH we were very impressed and excited about his candidacy-thought he was an independent thinker who was pragmatic and would do the right thing-what a shock to see this man kissing up to Bush, not standing up for much of anything except war. We were fooled for sure-not this time.

[DenveRockwell]

Well done. That was just capital!

Hillary supporters: THIS is your other option. If you should take a bite of that apple, may God have mercy on your soul.