Mr. President,
When grown ups make a mistake, wrong someone, cause harm -- they apologize. It's the quickest way to settle the issue and get on with life. It demonstrates strength and character. Humility and honor.
You've caused quite a bit of harm, Mr. President. We're still waiting for an apology.
Look at what you've done to our country. You've run up trillions in debt on our nation's credit cards. You've made the rich richer on the backs of the middle class, and waged a dead end war that hasn't made us safer. You've dragged our reputation through the mud with your childish, arrogant foreign policy -- turning us from the moral leader of the world into the most despised, climate-ignoring, torture-condoning nation on earth. You've played on our faith and our fears to polarize us into shades of red and blue -- a "divide and conquer" strategy that paid big political dividends, but left us weaker as a nation.
Today, the Dow closed below 10,000 for the first time in years. Our homes are worth less than what we paid for them. We're losing our jobs. We can't get loans to buy cars or pay for college. We can't afford groceries or doctor's visits for our kids (the same kids who'll be paying for this mess when they have kids). In eight short but seemingly endless years, you've taken this country from prosperity to ruin in every imaginable way.
If you'd done this in another country, or another era, the White House might've been stormed by an angry mob, and you paraded off to the gallows or the guillotine. But you're lucky, Mr. President. You were elected (in 2004, anyway) in an age of civility, and in a nation of laws. But that won't save you from the harsh judgment of future Americans. As the years drag on and the facts come to light -- as members of your administration seek to save their own reputations by publishing tell-alls, your presidency will be seen as increasingly corrupt and ineffectual, and your place in the septic tank of history will be sealed.
However, Mr. President, you still have a chance to redeem yourself in the eyes of the living.
All you have to do is say you're sorry.
I'm not one to deify Ronald Reagan, but at least he was man enough to apologize when he made mistakes. Reagan apologized for ignoring the AIDS epidemic; for the Iran-Contra scandal. He even apologized to his wife for getting shot. Your old man apologized for breaking his famous "no new taxes" pledge, and Bill Clinton was criticized for being too apologetic during his time in office.
I hope you don't mind, Mr. President -- but since I know you possess neither humility nor honor, I've taken the liberty (no pun intended) of writing some apologies on your behalf. A book of letters to the people, places, groups, and things I feel you've wronged the most. People like Gen. Colin Powell, Scott McClellan, and your father. Places like Iraq, The Louisiana Superdome, and Crawford, TX. Groups like Women, Children, African-Americans, Southerners, and the United States Armed Forces. Things like the English Language, the Economy, and the color orange.
I've also started a petition where others can lend their voice to demanding your sincere and direct apology to the American people.
You see, Mr. President, I love America. No, not like you do. Not in that bullshit "look at the magnetic yellow ribbon on my SUV!" way. I mean really love it. Love it enough to fight back when I see its greatness diminished by a fear-mongering, bumbling, pandering, partisan, elitist, disengaged, disingenuous, unduly arrogant, unchristian, morally bankrupt chief executive. Diminished by a man who acts as if he's anointed by God, despite the fact that he's really nothing more than a mediocre member of a mediocre family of crooks, frauds, drunks, serial adulterers, and Nazi sympathizers.
I know, I know. Hating on you is so...2005. But this isn't about hate, Mr. President. I couldn't possibly vilify or embarrass you any more than you've vilified and embarrassed yourself. This is about healing. About encouraging you -- for once in your life -- to do the noble thing, so that we as a nation can cast you aside and start cleaning up your messes.
Who knows? If you apologize enough, maybe President Obama will even consider pardoning you.
We'll be waiting.
-- Seth
Seth Grahame-Smith is the author of Pardon My President and the founder of HomelandApology.org