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Shanae Hall Headshot

Coming to Grips With Not Being in Love With Your Spouse Anymore

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Whoever thought the time would come when you are no longer in love with the person that you said "I do" to? What happened to "'til death do us part?" The cuddling on the sofa while watching your favorite sitcom together? How did it just disappear into thin air? For some couples, it can take many years to completely fall out of love with your spouse. For others, it can happen in the blink of an eye. The person that used to give you butterflies at the slightest touch now makes you sick to your stomach. Their jokes are no longer funny, their cologne/perfume makes you want to vomit and you would rather pull out your own wisdom tooth with a pair of tweezers than to make love to them.

What the hell just happened?

If you can relate, I want you to know that it happens to the best of us. Before you throw in the towel, I want you to know that the beautiful, green, plush, shiny grass on the other side of the fence may not be grass it all -- it may be turf or some other artificial covering! This mix-up happens all the time. So use caution when you are deciding to leave your spouse for what seems easier and more manageable to care for.

However, if you could care less about what anyone else in the world has to offer and you just want out, then it is time embrace the emotions that you're feeling and start moving to a better mental place. I have been there, done that and it's not fun.

At the age of 14, I fell madly in love with my high school sweetheart. After graduating high school, we went off to college together. After college he landed a very good, high-paying job. Two months after I turned 21 we got married and immediately started our family. God gave us three of the most precious gifts he could have ever given a mother. Six years into our marriage, I pulled into the driveway of our beautiful, 6,500 sq. ft home and sat still in the drivers seat of my Lexus SUV, realizing that I was no longer in love with the man I said "I do" to. It was one of the saddest days of my life. How did I get here? Who should I talk to? Why do I feel like this? How will my kids deal with this? By that point, too much damage had been done behind the wrought iron fence. The crushing e-mails and sexy text messages from other women that I had seen over the course of our 13-year relationship had become too much. I had cried enough over the years -- my body wouldn't even produce another tear drop. The end was here and I had to face the music head on.

Here are a few simple steps that may help you come to grips with not being in love with your spouse anymore:

1) Write down all the things that happened during your marriage/relationship that hurt you. Believe it or not, very few couples who fall out of love simply "grow apart" for no reason. Normally it is a series of things that have been done that were harmful and left you with scars that will not and cannot heal on their own. This little exercise may show you that the marriage breakdown may not be your spouse's fault; rather, it may be past baggage that you need to work on before you slam the door on your marriage. If every relationship that you have ever been in has yielded the same complaints and problems, then the problem might be you! If that is the case, maybe you should stay in your current marriage and seek help for yourself to find out why these same issues keep finding you.

2) Forgive yourself for your part in this failing marriage. Write down all the things that you could have done better, and be honest because no one is watching but you. This exercise may also help you forgive your spouse because it will open your eyes to your contributions to the demise of the marriage, too. There is never one person that is 100 percent at fault. Take responsibility, forgive yourself, and then let it go.

3) Have real a heart-to-heart conversation with your spouse. Show him/her why you feel like you do and see if they are willing to go and get professional couples' therapy. (However, if you are leaving the marriage because of abuse, no sit down is needed. You may want to leave a note on the refrigerator door that says something like, "I forgive you, but I'm moving on. You will hear from my attorney soon. Take Care.")

4) Last but not least, know that life goes on, and as long as you continue on your journey of becoming a better you; the universe will continue to send great people and great blessings your way. This experience is something that you needed to go through. If there is no test, there can be no testimony. Keep your head up and focus on the brighter future ahead of you.