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Shannon Bradley-Colleary
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Shannon Bradley-Colleary is an Aging Vaintress, Wife Dominatrix, Hirsute Mom Butler who blogs at The Woman Formerly Known As Beautiful.
Humble Author of Into The Child: 40 weeks in the gestational wilderness

Entries by Shannon Bradley-Colleary

R-Rated Movies: When We Became the Parents We Judged

(1) Comments | Posted August 19, 2014 | 2:34 PM

We're the parents who allowed our 12-year old daughter to watch two R-rated movies.

Is it my imagination, or have our phones stopped ringing for play dates because we're the libertines leading our child down the inglorious path of foul-mouthed, fart-laden, flipping-the-bird juvenile delinquency? Is this just our...

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6 Ways Dating Is Like Hiking in Dangerous Climbs

(0) Comments | Posted August 11, 2014 | 4:21 PM

1. You must be sure you have the right foot equipment!

Are you going to wear flip-flops to ascend Killamanjaro?

I think not. You've got to be prepared for the rigors of the hike.

Likewise, if you're wearing fashionably tall Jimmy Choo stilettos on a first date it may be...

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Puberty vs. Menopause

(0) Comments | Posted July 22, 2014 | 1:53 PM

I have daughters entering puberty while I simultaneously enter menopause. It's an occasional Sh*tastrophy, and I expect even more Punji Stick booby traps as their estrogen escalates and mine deteriorates.

It was during my pubescent years I began to shape the story I told about my parents to rein them...

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When Forcing My Daughter to Face Her Fears Backfired

(7) Comments | Posted July 17, 2014 | 10:45 AM

2014-07-16-Clareyelling.jpgThe day was perfect for boogie boarding at the beach. The tubes were hollow, the pits weren't dropping, there weren't any bombs to pound you and you could even catch air on some radical ramps, Bro.

But there Clare stood at the...

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5 Dreadful Things That Happened to My Daughters at Summer Camp

(1) Comments | Posted July 7, 2014 | 2:02 PM

I did something that totally pissed my kids off. I sent them to summer sports camp so I could work and try to make money to pay for their braces and college.

That's right, I'm an a**hole.

After camp, when I got to the front of the pick-up line in...

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10 Disturbing Things About My Menopause

(5) Comments | Posted July 1, 2014 | 12:20 PM

ALERT! ALERT! MENOPAUSAL WOMEN BEWARE:

10 signs you need to keep menopausal madness at bay.

1. You go out to sushi with a large group of extended family members.

Everyone else is done eating and your order still hasn't arrived.

You go into hunger-related psychosis and, like the whipped-up Calvary...

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My Encounter With a Breast Expert Was More Intimate Than I Bargained For

(0) Comments | Posted June 16, 2014 | 4:35 PM

Intimacy with strangers just happens to me. There was the gentleman confessor of an adulterous liaison on the flight back from Boulder and now there is the Breast Expert with vertigo.

It happened in Macy's on a business trip in Salt Lake City, just a two-block hike from...

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10 Signs You're Dating an Asshat and 5 Tips to Avoid Them

(77) Comments | Posted June 7, 2014 | 9:19 AM

Asshats. We've all been in love with at least one. Haven't we? If you haven't, do me a service and lie.

What defines an Asshat? (I'm going to refer to men, but Asshatism crosses all gender lines). My #AsshatCriteria:

1. He never does what he says he'll do. He doesn't...

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Risky Sex = Hot Sex?

(0) Comments | Posted June 6, 2014 | 11:48 AM

Have you ever had sex in a shark tank? Well you should!

A recent article on Health.com touted "Getting Risky" as one of the best ways to have phantasmagorical orgasms, aka hot sex.

The article suggested hiking (and fornicating) in precipitous climes with your partner as the kind...

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How Taking 1950s Pin-up Photos Made Me Love My Age

(7) Comments | Posted May 29, 2014 | 11:12 AM

I'm creeping up on 50. It used to be that 50 was the time we transformed into the Crypt Keeper. Now, it simply seems like the beginning of an exciting new chapter.

Last week, in celebration of my mid-life marker, I got to be a Bombshell. I've always...

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What Happened When a Married, Perfect Stranger Confessed He Has a Mistress

(0) Comments | Posted May 28, 2014 | 4:43 PM

I am frequently mistaken for a priest. People confess things to me. I don't ask them to tell me their secrets, but I must have a non-judgemental face because in under five minutes flat the gentleman in seat 2C on my flight from Denver to L.A. confessed he had a...

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8 Signs My Husband Needs Sex

(8) Comments | Posted May 22, 2014 | 10:49 AM

2014-05-19-HenryandIafterWilla.jpg.jpgIt was time. I could tell it was time because Henry, who usually traverses the house with the stealth of an experienced hunter tracking a herd of jittery American Bison, had begun stomping around and inadvertently slamming into furniture as if he'd...

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The Danger Of Being The Parents Of Young Children At 50

(9) Comments | Posted May 14, 2014 | 7:37 AM

It seemed like an ordinary night. There were no harbingers of doom -- a murder of black crows on the telephone wires outside, a vanity mirror broken jaggedly down its center.

No, all was as it usually was. Henry was reading to Bridget in the next room and Clare...

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10 Ways Kids Changed Me Forever

(0) Comments | Posted May 13, 2014 | 11:30 AM

When the nurse placed my first swaddled newborn on my chest right after I gave birth, I believe the first words out of my mouth to my husband were, "I am so f#@ked." And I still feel that way. Because before kids I was pretty invulnerable.

I worried about things...

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7 Thing My Mom Did That Shocked Me

(0) Comments | Posted May 9, 2014 | 1:34 PM

I was raised in the '70s, the era of the skyrocketing divorce rate (key parties?) and the afternoon martini cart (reference any Bewitched episodes; Samantha and both Darrens kept the Grey Goose flowing).

Whether it was the '70s or a young marriage or just in my mom's generational lineage, there...

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When My Husband Made Me Into a Porn Star Named Crystal

(0) Comments | Posted May 1, 2014 | 11:19 AM

"I've looked on many women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me."

Freakin' Jimmy Carter, man, he lays it out there.

Okay, so I've had this fixation on Gavin DeGraw, a singer/pianist no one seems to've...

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How I Came to Love My Soft Belly

(0) Comments | Posted April 28, 2014 | 3:16 PM

"What's this?' I asked a roided-out Gold's gym employee. I was holding a fistful of my own soft, round flesh, which seemed to have suddenly appeared beneath my belly button two Mondays ago.

I was 28 years old, 5' 6" and 120 pounds. I'd always had a flat tummy with...

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One Husband's Annoying Sex Habit

(2) Comments | Posted April 24, 2014 | 1:25 PM

When it comes to marital sex, most of us wonder if we're normal. Are we having enough orgasms? Are we fantasizing too much, too little? Are we too small, too big, too fat, too saggy, too old? And the big one, are we having enough sex with our spouse?

This...

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My Mommie Dearest Moment -- Minus the Clothes Hanger

(0) Comments | Posted April 16, 2014 | 4:09 PM

"Alright fine, let's just go! It's obvious no one wants to be here anyway, so let's just go home and all get on our electronic devices in separate rooms so we don't actually have to interact with each other ever again!"

Oh yes, that was me. I'd wrangled my husband,...

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I Don't Want to Make the Thin Girl Ugly

(5) Comments | Posted April 15, 2014 | 11:31 AM

My petition to the Yves Saint Laurent CEO, asking her to stop using images of painfully thin models at Change.org has created quite a controversy.

My friend Jenni Chiu wrote a thought-provoking rebuttal to my story in The Huffington Post called, "Stop Making the Thin Girl...

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