Dating is a bit intimidating for most people. But if you are an anxious person, dating is more than intimidating -- it can be downright painful and terrifying. Most people with anxiety have difficulty dealing with uncertainty. And dating, for all its glory, is rife with uncertainty. After all, you are getting to know one another and it's uncertain if you will have a connection or not. There is uncertainty about what the two of you will talk about, about who will pay for the date, and how the date will end.
In order to deal with the anxiety, your instinct might be to avoid dating altogether. You put off making definite plans. You find yourself shutting down, finding faults with your potential date, or losing interest in the idea of going out with them.
Your anxiety may cause you to criticize yourself and doubt in your ability to face your fears. Fear tends to erase our memory -- we forget all of the times we've succeeded in challenging our anxiety. Think back to instances when you've faced your anxiety and it's turned out well. Remind yourself that you have what it takes.
The next way to help yourself deal with the uncertainty of those first few dates is to reframe your anxiety. Often anxiety takes center stage and it feels overwhelming, so it's hard to pay attention to the rest of your feelings. If you could focus on other emotions besides the anxiety, what might you find? Perhaps you'd notice a small degree of excitement? Perhaps you'd find a sense of hopefulness about the possibility of dating this person? Remember, anxiety is persistent and loud. Don't let it fool you into thinking it's the only real emotion you have about dating!
Another difficulty that anxiety-prone people face is the idea of too much pressure on dates. There is (often self-imposed) pressure to be witty, pressure to keep the conversation going, pressure to ask questions, pressure to make fun plans, pressure to look good, pressure to show your best self. All of that worry can weigh you down and prevent you from really being yourself on dates. I will tell you a secret, though: Your date wants to impress you, too. Conversation is a two-way street. Half of the responsibility is theirs; it's a 50/50 deal. Imagine taking all of the pressure you feel, and giving half of it to them. Rather than focus on having such high expectations of yourself, pay attention to getting to know them, learning how they respond to your interests and questions, and seeing if they are someone you are interested in getting to know more.
Another area that concerns anxious daters is worry about the outcome of the date, or what could go wrong. First, consider the worst-case possibilities that could happen on your date. What comes to mind? Perhaps you worry they will reject you or judge you harshly. Perhaps they will not have a good time or will not be attracted to you. Now, ask yourself this: "If my worst-case scenario came true, would it be the end of the world? How long would it bother me? Have I been able to deal with this in the past?" Also, consider this: If for some reason the worst-case scenario came true, would you really want to date that person? Usually, when a date doesn't click, on some level it isn't working for both people.
Now, the fun part: Imagine the best-case scenario. What are some of the benefits that could come from the date? Perhaps you have an amazing time, learning things about yourself you never knew, or you find that you share similar passions with your date. Perhaps you build confidence in yourself. Maybe, just maybe, you discover love with this person that will last a lifetime.
Realistically, there is no certainty in dating, no way to know when love is waiting just around the corner. But one of the benefits of pushing yourself to date, despite your anxiety, is that practice makes it better. The more you expose yourself to the anxiety of dating, the less powerful the anxiety will become. And the more chances you give yourself to find lasting love.
Original article appeared on eHarmony.com.
For more by Dr. Shannon Kolakowski, click here.
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Emotions, despite not being scientific, are something that factually exists. Just because love, or anger, or sadness, or joy, may trump or even inhibit reasoning and logic, does not mean that the existence of it cannot be proven scientifically. I'm sure there are studies that have proven scientifically the existence of human emotions.
Dating can be really discouraging. It's discouraging for almost everyone at some point. I don't think there are many people who have not felt the pain of feeling rejected. Usually, we never get to know the full reasons that things don't work out. But do know that all it takes is one person. Just one person to be right for you. And that one person will make a world of difference, and all the heartache will have been worthwhile.
In a humorous and heartfelt TED Talk called "The Power of Vulnerability" by Brene Brown, she describes how vulnerability is essential to our development of authentic connections with others.
Her message is that you do not have to be perfect to be loved. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=iCvmsMzlF7o
It has been said that people come in to our lives for a season, a reason, or a lifetime. To find lasting love, it is helpful to learn as much about yourself as you can. The process of dating is one way to discover what works for you.
Thank you Dr. Kolakowski for this thoughtful article.