When you're a mom blogger, everyone expects you to blog about Do-It-Yourself projects. Because I have so much free time I need to do things like make chandeliers out of recycled Popsicle sticks to keep myself from dying of boredom. Right?
I HATE DIY Projects. Especially ones that involve my kid. First off, whenever I try to make something with my daughter, all she wants to do is eat the glue, put the stickers in her hair and the crayons in her ear. I always spend the rest of the day cleaning her up, on the phone with the pediatrician making sure she won't die from eating glue, and then at the animal hospital making sure my dog's irritable bowel syndrome doesn't act up from eating a bag of glitter.
The main reason I hate Do-It-Yourself projects is because I have no interest in doing anything myself. For example, I don't care if buying disposable diapers and wipes costs more. I don't want to make reusable wipes and diapers at home that get covered in poop that I then have to wash. I already spent nine months of my life on an intense Do-it-Yourself Project. It's called making a human being.
Despite all this, in my year and a half of being a mom, I have found one DIY project that I love and would like to share with you. It takes about one minute and is very useful.
1. Put your child in their play pen or crib. Getting them involved in this DIY Project will make things take longer and someone might end up in the emergency room.
2. Take out a piece of paper and scribble on it like an illiterate drunk. For extra authenticity, bite, paint with an unknown substance or vomit on the paper. This is your chance to let your creativity shine.
3. Write a translation of the scribbles in your own handwriting.
And just like that, you have your own DIY card. This project is perfect for when you forgot a relative's birthday and don't have time to go to the store to get a real card. If they complain about not getting a real gift or card from you, then they are the bad person person, because your 18-month-old worked really hard to make this card. Who cares if it's covered in blood and looks like something made by Dexter? Your kid made something from their heart and that's all that matters.
The most important part of this DIY Project is to not feel guilty about lying to the recipient. You now have stretch marks, bags under your eyes and have become immune to caffeine from overuse. Being able to use your child as scapegoat when you forget to get someone a present is one of the few benefits of motherhood. Enjoy it.
This was previously published on PoopPeePuke.com
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