THE BLOG
05/27/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Deep Throat, Steroids & Torture

I grew up without a television and was convinced baseball was something that just happens on the radio. I'll take a ballgame called on the radio over television any day. In the hands of an artist, you can smell the fresh cut grass and starched uniforms; radio is magic.

Why on Earth has Congress spent millions of dollars on the giant cavity search for steroids in baseball over the last several years? Seriously? Two wars, fraudulent elections, health care crisis, illegal wiretapping, Katrina, loose nukes...and we picked baseball? For twenty months, jacked up ball players were the priority. Over four hundred pages of findings...for what?

Who gives a shit!? I wonder what I'd get on my hot dog should I ever make it to a real ball park. I wonder how long my beer would stay cold.

So, you're a die hard fan and want "organic baseball." Solution? Make the National League the "Organic, Free-Range League"; no steroids, no Designated Hitter, and tofu dogs. Let the American League become the "Juiced, Super-Size-Your-Bat League"; mega steroids, they can keep the DH, and beer bongs. No interleague play until the Monsanto-Organic Valley World Series. Let the fans decide. Personally, I like homeruns. But I LOVE low scoring pitching duels.

Don't get me wrong...my favorite stories from my Pop, right after "then the bear attacked me!" were about his string of pitching no hitters.

How many hours did Congress preside over inquiries into steroid use in baseball? How many of those hours were we simultaneously waterboarding detainees?

President Bush said "The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football, and other sports is dangerous, and it sends the wrong message -- that there are shortcuts to accomplishment, and that performance is more important than character." He also said, "We do not torture."

In the final years of the Clinton administration, we had a Paris Hilton-does-Macy's moment; splurging over $40 million on Ken Star's salacious porn gathering mission of the blue drescapade. I forgave Bill Clinton when I found out Monica wore a size 14 GAP dress; imagine that; the President of the United States likes healthy girls who actually eat entrees! If you're the leader of the "free" world, you should have an "assistant" to insure you never become so stressed out that you push the red button out of sexual frustration. What? Think about it!

Maybe if W had an intern, we'd have never gone into Iraq.

As I write this I am still thinking, WTF?

A Presidential BJ and an "enhanced" ball hitter get full blown multimillion dollar Congressional investigations. I know, they sound related.

War crimes...well, hmmm.... we need to think about that! Why is this hard?

A-Rod, I am sorry. Bill, I am so sorry. You were a matter of national security, apparently.

Dick, as in Cheney, no worries, baby. You kept us safe. Thanks.

Now, would someone please waterboard Sean Hannity so I can feel better about the lack of Constitutional Crisis Concern? Please?

www.waterboardseanhannityforcharity.com