The World Cup was the life of the party until the cool kids got kicked out. Then it lost its radiant glow, which is something no televised event should have to go through. The following is a true work of fan-fiction* about that time America was eliminated from the big soccer tournament, starring:
Courtney Stodden, Doug Hutchison, Glenn Beck, Kourtney Kardashian, Tony Abbott, Vladimir Putin, Irina Rodnina, Lady Gaga, R Kelly, Miley Cyrus, Terry Richardson, Ray J.
"It's my party, Doug," Courtney Stodden told her husband, "So if you could serve the f*cking salmon cakes it would make me super happy."
Doug Hutchison grimaced. He didn't much like salmon cakes, but he did like the way his wife's tulle skirt chafed her buttocks as she exited the kitchen. He also wasn't sure if he was ready to be alone again, so he steadied the salmon cakes on his right forearm. That was always his best serving arm.
"GOOOAAAALLLLL!!!" a collective roar came from the Green Mile actor's sizable Hollywood Hills living room.
"My side apartment is too small for guests," Courtney had told Doug earlier in the day as she and Glenn Beck hung green and yellow streamers in main living room. Glenn had been staying over with Courtney while he got back on his feet, in the apartment adjacent to the main house, which she moved into upon splitting from Doug. "We're having the party here in the main house, and Kourtney with a K might need to use your bedroom if she goes into early labor."
Doug had sighed. Courtney had told him to put a pin in it because pregnant women didn't choose when their babies came out. It wasn't really about the Kardashian girl, but Doug hadn't bothered explaining that.
Kourtney hadn't come to the party in the end. Courtney had sighed when she heard this. She had been quite looking forward to the possibility of a baby being born in the master bedroom.
The thing was that some of the guests were going for America, some were going for Belgium, and the others didn't feel they'd be much affected either way. But the sound of the referee screaming "GOOOAAAALLLLL!!!" made everybody feel like they'd been shot in the fat vein with heroin.
Courtney jogged out into the living room, where the sight of her guests leaping and flailing with bliss made her smile. She felt her foundation crack around the corners of her lips, and found it interesting that she didn't even mind. Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott thought it best to commence a victory jog around the room, high fiving each his new Hollywood friends in what he didn't doubt could amount to some kind of diplomacy. Glenn Beck fluffed and puffed his West Ham United jersey like nobody's business. Vladimir Putin, who had previously been perched in Irina Rodnina's lap waiting for that model Tyra Banks to ask him about his ripped pectorals again, shot Courtney what she interpreted to be a "thank you for inviting me" look. Lady Gaga cheered so hard that she wee'd glitter on herself, and when some of it splashed on R Kelly he wasn't even mad because of the goal. Terry Richardson had thought the latter to be a good opportunity to photograph a moment of raw World Cup spirit and told R Kelly to hold still, but the cast of Dancing With the Stars trampled him before him could remove the lens cap. It was pandemonium, really.
"On behalf of myself, since I am happily estranged from my elderly husband Doug," Courtney exclaimed to her friends, "F*ck yeah about America's big goal!" Doug sighed. Courtney told him to put a pin in it again because she wasn't a brain surgeon, so it didn't matter if she got the team right or not. But it wasn't really about the goal. On that note, Doug thought he might go out for a joint.
There was an ill-timed moment. The party guests were still reveling in the big goal, though many weren't sure which color had kicked it, and Tony Abbott had reached Courtney on his victory lap. Although he had wanted to give her the best high five of all, he missed and slapped her left tit instead. It was entirely by accident, but the result was that Courtney's monstrous jug popped like a balloon and everybody found out that it was, in actual fact, a piñata.
The surgeon had warned her about this. It was the party trick Courtney had been nervous about since the pain had subsided from her augmentation. There was a slow motion explosion of assorted candy from the teenager's chest, followed by an astronomical smash as the sugary treats splattered on the floorboards. In that moment, Courtney's friends stopped caring about the soccer and followed their hungry eyes to the floor.
Courtney towered over the ravenous pack, noticing that the attention made her heart feel warm even though it was only blanketed by one tit now. She told her friends to please help themselves, and then she started to make a speech about the importance of giving and being grateful. She also said that being famous was equal to the square root of being poor on many levels but that she wasn't a mathematician.
Putin was the first to swipe one, opting for the one that said "140% extra chocolate" on the front of the little plastic wrapper. He promptly fainted from diabetes, which meant that he too was trampled by cast of the Dancing With the Stars. Lady Gaga and Miley Cyrus got into a teary spat over who deserved the ones that pop on your tongue, but fortunately nobody put this on Instagram.
In that moment, Ben Affleck skidded into the living room with Jennifer Garner, and the look of concern on their faces was a bit irritating to Courtney.
"Doug fell into a sinkhole," the Batman actor said, puffing from all the running. Courtney sighed. Jennifer said it again. "He slipped into the earth through a sinkhole in the backyard. We tried to save him but it looks like he's already drowned." Courtney didn't really have time for this. "I don't have time for this,' she told them, remembering for a moment that she'd need to ask somebody else to hand out the salmon cakes. Bennifer were always so responsible, that was the problem, and Doug was always getting in the way of fun.
"GOOOAAAALLLLL!!!" The main problem was that by the time Courtney turned back to her guests, they had forgotten about her tits because the referee had called another goal. The worst of it was that after the goal, the pack began to shuffle out of Courtney's living room. Well, Doug's living room, but he was lost in a sinkhole now so Courtney hypothesized that it was probably hers by law. The only remnants of World Cup fever and the hype around Courtney's tits were the dead candy wrappers on the floor, which really just depressed her. She sighed.
"But what about me? Won't you stay for dessert?" Courtney felt like she might have sounded desperate, but she was, so she didn't really mind.
"There will be other parties," said Ray J, as he piggybacked the celebrity ladies one by one out the front door, because their feet were hurting from wearing heels. Glenn Beck booked an Uber and told everybody they could pile in with him as long as they paid him back with interest because he had been having a hard time of it financially and it didn't look like Courtney was worth the gamble anymore since Tony Abbott had popped her tit earlier.
Courtney sighed as the last of her friends left her party. They were off to the Shattered Marmont, she heard Lady Gaga tell the paparazzi on the phone. When the house in the Hollywood Hills was empty, Courtney noticed that she could hear a cricket, and that the cricket's ratchet call sounded as lonely as she felt. "GOOOAAAALLLLL!!!" said the referee on the television, which made Courtney think that perhaps her friends had accidentally left before the soccer game was over. It was true. The game wasn't really over yet at all, and another was scheduled right after, but that didn't matter. Everybody had really enjoyed the salmon cakes, and at least Courtney had that.
*properly and entirely fiction
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