E. Postmodern On E-tiquette

Two cultural forces collided on my desktop this week:

1. A series of email etiquette questions, mournful to inspiring
2. The idea that an inner voice of wisdom abides in each of us

"Why not combine the two?" I said to the dog. She didn't answer. So I did.

The following are answers to this week's email etiquette questions from E. Postmodern, my newfound inner voice of e-wisdom:

Dear E. Postmodern:

My friend, K., needed help writing a sympathy card. She found an e-sympathy card online, copied its text onto a paper card and snail-mailed it.

Is it just me, or is it weird that e-sympathy cards exist? When - if ever - is it correct to send one?

Yours sincerely,

Condolent, yet confused.

Dear Condolent,

When your Tamagachi goes to tengoku, or a Second Life friend flatlines, an e-sympathy card is the perfect medium of regret.

But when a formerly three-dimensional being shuffles off the mortal coil, three-dimensional sympathy is the sine qua non, when possible. Comfort, in the face of evanescence, is best found in something tangible: a fruit basket, as opposed to an e-gift card. "Death shall have no dominion," Dylan Thomas wrote. The paper on which he wrote it remains invaluable, E thinks. Had he jotted those words via email? Not so much.

Dear E. Postmodern:

I went on two dates with this guy who struck me as sorta angry. I sent a Dear John in response to his last email and this reply in return, "Congratulations! Your note managed to be rude, condescending and arrogant at the same time." I deleted the rest of his email from my server without reading it. Was I rude to do so?

Single but Sane

Dear Single,

There is a word for an asshole who emails. The word is: e-sshole. Next question?

Dear E. Postmodern:

What's your stand on e-thanks fasting? Folks on an "e-thanks fast" no longer reply "thanks!" or even "thnx!" to email messages they receive. It's like a Master Cleanse for your in-box, fans say. And if you want to play thing safe, you can always "pre-thank" someone.

E-tiquette, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder, I guess. Some folks prefer not to be thanked, they insist. Still, the idea of e-thanks fasting feels weird to me.

Is today's email age, is definitely clogging someone inbox worse than possibly being rude? Pre-thanks for your thoughts.

Formerly Sure

Dear Formerly,

Yr welcome.

Dear E.,

Wow. I know you're kinda busy. But is that your whole answer? I'd hoped for more.

F.

Dear Formerly,

Sorry. I was e-proving a point. We are in the creaky midst of a return to an epistolary age. Creaky, because for decades, written speech was writerly; spoken speech was conversational. In musical terms, long chats were legato; short chats, staccato.

On email, multiple options can exist without warning. Musically? It's tempo is a mix of Phillip Glass and John Cage. Sometimes its notes loop...and loop and....

Other times they.

stop for. no reason.

The polite writer may attempt to suss out her correspondent's preference by ear at the start of any given email duet. As far as e-thanks-fasting goes? Life is far too short not to be a feast, E. Postmodern believes. If someone complains you've thanked them too much, perhaps it's time to e-bid 'em bye-bye?

Dear E. Postmodern,

Good news! I've gotten rid of my spam. Bad news. I feel like a loser.

For years, my inbox had 200 messages a day. I didn't want V*gra or OEM software or even a Russian bride. But it was nice to think someone out there was thinking of me, even if it was only to scam me.

Any suggestions for countering my newfound low-email loneliness?

Spamless in se

Dear Spamless,

In the 90s, E. Postmodern worked at the company who invented pop TV. In the name of its culture-driving cool, people started working longer hours, turning HQ into a black-clad, bleary-eyed terrarium.

Our CEO called a meeting in response to all this hard work. He gazed at his bleary-eyed minions and told his minions to...GET A LIFE.

Those words went over like a ton of bricks at the time. Earlier this year, this same CEO lost his job. His Internet strategy, it seemed, was 2 un-kul.

On the day he was fired, a friend on the inside emailed me, desk jockies piled into the lobby to salute the man whose words they'd dissed. In losing, you see, he had won.

Email-ism may be an addiction like alcoholism, Time magazine says. Breaking addiction's grip is the realm of the brave.

Saying no to spam is a good first step.

Now get out there and find a Mr. Softee truck. Flirt a little. Dance a lot. Get a life.

 

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