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Sharon Glassman

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Ma'am I Am...So Not

Posted: 03/25/08 12:18 PM ET

Another year. Another's Women's History Month. And still no alternative for "Ma'am" - three letters and a squiggle that I loathe beyond measure. The "polite term for women" that so does not describe the spiritually youthful, if age-accomplished, Me.

Oh, ladies, chicks, and dames of the HuffPo! Am I only XX chromosomed here who hates being Ma'am-o-grammed by cute young guys behind registers?

On the East Coast, where I used to live and perhaps you still do, is "Ma'am" not the antithesis of hotness? Would it be wrong to surmise that the closest male equivalent word, for sheer diss-you-ness and feel-caught-short-and-essentially-like-crap-ness is, "Honky"?

In the West, where I live now, men swear on their boots, guns and Stetsons that M'aam is a term of unbridled respect, the grammatical Her of Sir. This may be true, historically. But when the grandfatherly guy at PetSmart M'am-ed me last week, intentions be darned! His words felt like hell.

Why is Ma'am such a personal wham? What's in a word, anyway? Let's be honest: everything. Ma'am is a contraction of Madam, my logical mind knows. That fact could be reassuring, if I were French or brothel-managing.

Ma'am is a palindrome -- a lovely and rare linguistic thing. But if someone's going to palindromitize me, I'd prefer to be addressed with the more universally-exultant, Wow.

Why does our culture lacks a suitably kick-ass word for kick-asss women of a certain age? Young women of comely looks are called babes, a term that almost makes make me yearn for Ma'am-age, when I consider it calmly. And yet, the infantile appellation of feminine youth does point to one font of truth.

As any double-X-chromsome bearer over the age of 30 knows, it takes time to run a company or fifteenth marathons - to feel truly at home in your womanly skin in a full range of sizes. Post-babitude means Mensa-hood and Momhood, scientific sequels in the lab; a knowing sense of humor. Given all that, however, how can the English language lack a fabulous, multi-fem-faceted term for the hard-won, wonderfully natural, genius, and wise beyond measure womanly Plus of Us?

In my penultimate phase of City Life, I enrolled in several courses that would have been called "women's consciousness raising classes" in the 1970s. This being the early '00s, they were called a range of other things.

Our teachers, women well past the age of Babes, searched for positive words which with to anoint us. We were (sequentially) Goddesses, Sisters, Divas. As a child of the late '60s, raised in open classrooms where individuality held saw, I was surprised to find myself being commanded to refer to all women in one way.

Diva-hood, Goddessness...all of these spelled Ma'am to me. In fact, they made me feel bitchy. Which made sense. Having read my Bullfinch in my babe-alicious days, I knew just what a grump a true goddess could be.

At the same time, I am a hopeful woman by nature. Like love, a true new name popped up when I stopped looking.

Like love, it popped up in the least expected of places, too.

A month ago, my three year-old dog went blind in her right eye. A cataract, unusual for a canine babe of her age, had gone from 10% to full overnight. Luckily, our town receives visits from God, in the form of a puppy ophthalmologist, once a week. A week later, my dog was on the table. Three weeks later, she climbed a mountain, fully- sighted.

Delighted, I shot a digi-pic of her gazing happily at the camera. Then I drove to the local camera shop to make a thank-you card for her vet. I dropped off the image, and my name, at the digital print counter.

Living in The New Age meets the Stone Age Rockies, I can't say if what happened next was typo or serendipity. But when I picked up the photo, my name was written on the label was written "GLASSWMAN." I'd never thought I'd be happy to see a W inserted in my Self in this day and age.

And yet there I was, with a goofy grin on my face. Glasswman? The irony! The brilliance! The social commentary! Wman - the word had such welcome zest, truth and zing.

I won't know if this new term is my true replacement for Ma'am until some young guys tells me, "Thank you, Wman!" from his register.

But for now, I'm delighted by the gift. As Helen Reddy never said: "I am Glasswman, hear me giggle!"

But that's okay. Here and now, an honest laugh trumps Ma'am.

 

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06:31 PM on 03/28/2008
I agree with NoSillyName: "Gal" is the worst of all. However....
I'll try this again. (It seems to me) that only the boomer women are upset by being called "Ma'am," and I believe it is not an insult, but being polite. You boomer women need to get over yourselves. The only argument you can possibly have against the term is that it makes you feel older than, apparently, you want to be. Except that boomers define the "best age to be" as whatever age the majority of boomers are at the moment. Let's see, right now that would make "the best age to be" about 50-something, am I right? If you're a 50-something year old woman, you're a "Ma'am." I think any woman over 18 is a "Ma'am," so don't take it so personally.
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04:04 PM on 03/26/2008
I don't care for your new identifier, but then, you were only kidding. Right? How would you pronounce that? If you're from the East Coast, surely you've been called "Hon". Or maybe that's only prevalent in the Mid-Atlantic states and not in NY. The word I truly despise and will never use, even under threat of torture is.... can't believe I'm actually going to type it.... "gal", ugh. "Ma'am" isn't really all that bad; its better then "Hey, you!" Or maybe not, but what else to you say to a female clerk when you need help in the store and her back it turned toward you? "Excuse me, Ma'am." Although sometimes for fun I use "Miss" even if she looks to be over 70. But then that could even be considered insulting, as if I've determined her to be a "spinster", not a "Mrs.". If you really wanna pick on a word, "Spinster" is just waiting for the (dis)honor!
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09:27 AM on 03/26/2008
I'm in my 30's, and I don't mind being called "Ma'am". Not too fond of "Miss"; I haven't been a young girl for quite some time. But being called "Ma'am" is no big deal for me. I've always seen it as a sign of respect when being addressed as such. Much better than being called the "b"-word.
09:16 AM on 03/26/2008
I think it's the short A vowel in the American pronunciation of ma'am. If it was pronounced like the English do it, i.e., "mom", ...as in the way they address, say, the Queen (tee-hee!)...I'd like it better.
But (half) seriously, folks, I don't mind it. It's a respectful from of address that it took me years to earn.
08:31 PM on 03/25/2008
I note that W is right above S on the keyboard. Sham, bam, thank you ma'am.
07:51 PM on 03/25/2008
I think you're making too much of it - most people are just trying to be polite. I've worked in retail and using "mamn" and "sir" is just a way of being polite to customers. I understand how you feel but I think women might think it means more than it does.
04:25 PM on 03/25/2008
I was first ma'amed at 27 by a much older woman. I felt like my young life ended in that moment. Thank you ma'am, When my Mom and I travel together, the waiters always come up to us and say, "What can I get you ladies." Better than ma'am but still don't like it. Ma'am is a diss, no two ways about it.
07:53 PM on 03/25/2008
I don't mind anyone calling me that but I can't stand it when the man I work with calls me "darling" and "baby girl" although we're both around the same age. I really hate it.
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04:10 PM on 03/26/2008
Now that is really disrespectful!! You should either return the favor ("little boy") with a big smile or else put your foot down and tell him you have a name. Good luck!!
03:57 PM on 03/25/2008
I don't have a problem with Ma'am...and I'm 28. I really hate being called "Miss" though.
03:37 PM on 03/25/2008
You define' Madam' by its slang term.
Think in broader terms, it is a sign of respect.
And you offer no real alternative except a rant.
03:02 PM on 03/25/2008
I feel your pain. However, most would agree that "Ma'am" is a step up from the B-word. Maybe being thankful for small favors is an option here.
01:29 PM on 03/25/2008
Well, we guys don't address young attractive women as "babes" as in "Thank you, babe", unless the particular babe is our babe. So it looks like you chicks will still have to settle for "ma'm" for a while longer!
12:19 PM on 03/25/2008
Still trying to fit your New York template over the west, I see.
12:12 PM on 03/25/2008
The contraction is actually "ma'am".
11:57 AM on 03/25/2008
"M'am is a contraction of Madam, my logical mind knows. That fact could be reassuring, if I were French or brothel-managing."
11:42 AM on 03/25/2008
Okay, "M'am" is out. "Miss" is out. Could somebody please send me a memo on this?