Two months ago, my dog and I moved into a split-level rural Rocky Mountain house-share with three single straight guys from our singleton's one-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn.
In those two months, I've noticed that while my guys can bake pies and shoot guns, they keep missing the target when it comes to love.
Knowing that Huffington Post readers are brilliant and savvy when it comes to love, I'd like to ask your advice.
· What are my dashing housemate dudes doing wrong -- and right when it comes to their dating lives?
· How could they better win a woman's heart and fulfill their quest for lasting love?
The future of my bachelor housemates' hardy hearts are in your hands! Please be kind, and opine.
Love-Challenged Bachelor 1: The Semi-Driving Sculptor
Age: 26
Height: 6'5"
Weight: 200-something
Body Type: Male-model muscle
Tattoos/Piercings: Multiple tattoos include a yin-yang sign.
Eyes: Hazel (I think. I'm 4'10", so we don't see eye to eye, physically, that much.)
Hair: Brown with bleached/colored top bits.
Current Profession: 18-Wheel Truck Driver for a local oil company.
Ideal Job: Business creative. Linking his fine arts degree to a well-paying career is high on Bachelor 1's To-Do List for 2008.
Signature move: Moving with skill through life-threatening terrain.
Hobbies: Break-dancing, tai chi, hunting, snowboarding, motorcycle racing.
Subscribes to: Rolling Stone, Field and Stream, Powder, Men's Journal, Inc., Outdoor Photographer, Sport Compact Car.
Beliefs: Astrology, feng-shui, composting.
Signature homemade dish (for self): Meat in a skillet.
Signature homemade dish (for company): Ming Tsai's Turkey Scaloppine with cranberry-mango vinaigrette.
Random acts of kindness: Bachelor 1 drove into town to buy an axe handle for himself and came home with a designer lighting fixture for our entranceway which he wired into the ceiling before lunch. During a recent snowstorm, he woke up at 6 am and drove me to Denver for a voice-over session.
Dating strategy: When the stars align, Bachelor 1 says, love will find him. Til then, he believes, he's fated to pine. Adding to the uphill nature of his quest? Bachelor 1's dream woman is a "curvaceous Asian" in a part of the country that's 97% not-Asian.
Most Recent Heartbreak: The woman at the local lighting store who said she had a boyfriend when Bachelor 1 asked her out.
Current Status: Date-less.
America, what's your take? Why is Bachelor 1, so sure a hunter in the outdoors, so timid when it comes to love? What steps can he take, dating-wise, to get over his fear of rejection?
Bachelor 2: The Juggling Philosopher
Age: 33
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 100-something.
Body Type: Gymnast-athletic, non-fat.
Eyes: Hazel (I think.)
Hair: Short, brown, mussed.
Tattoos/Piercings: No how, no way.
Current Profession: Juggler (spheres, fire, other) for corporate events, street malls, private parties.
Signature Move: Escaping from a straight-jacket while jogging atop a 3' Pilates-ab-cruncher type ball.
Ideal Job: One-man Cirque du Soleil
Hobbies: Extreme biking, hiking, camping; pies and waffles, metalwork.
Subscribes to: Intuition
Beliefs: The power of the divine masculine and feminine.
Signature homemade dish (for self): Steamed vegetables with black rice.
Signature homemade dish (for others): Parchment-encased salmon with seared spinach, homemade bread.
Random acts of kindness: In a feat worthy of a housemate Nobel Prize, Bachelor 2 negotiated the safe release of my furniture from an irate team of Brooklyn movers while simultaneously entertaining an out-of-town guest in search of spiritual transformation and crafting a homemade flammable effigy for our neighbor's pagan New Year celebration. He's drilled level holes into my walls for my curtains, and offers insights in hiking spots, home and happiness on a daily basis.
Dating strategy: Beautiful flowers, caring emails and handmade cards are among the presents Bachelor 2 offers his amours, often before a first date. He listens to, and advises his dates on matters personal, interpersonal and professional. He's beginning to wonder if he may be giving more than he's receiving?
Last Heartache: While cooking dinner for a friend/possible date at her apartment, Bachelor 2 fell in love with her roommate, whom he found gorgeous, gracious and equally smitten with him. Overjoyed, Bachelor 2 sent a heartfelt email to both women explaining the situation and followed it up with a homemade, hand-delivered card addressed to the gorgeous, gracious roommate. The only downside? The roommate, who was totally uninterested.
Current Status: Date-less.
What's your take, America? Do Bachelor 2's amazing gifts work against him, dating-wise and if so, how? How can he turn his recent run of unrequited loves into the Real Thing?
Bachelor 3: The Totally Private Guy
Height/Weight/etc.: None of your beeswax, sorry.
Okay, I confess. This last housemate profile is kind of a bonus question/freebie. My third housemate is a Redskins football team loving vegetarian social worker, who is also currently date-free. The source of his predicament is totally clear to him, as he prefers, when he's not working, to stay in the house. He knows the answers to his questions, but prefers not to discuss them in public. Respecting his wishes, may I ask that you delete this last section from your collective HuffPo mind? Thanks!
To sum up: Three great guys. Two Bachelors seeking your brilliant advice, below. Thanks for your help, America!
(Next time, if we have more time, perhaps I can ask your advice about Bachelorette me.)
Follow Sharon Glassman on Twitter: www.twitter.com/sharonglassman
You're quite on-target, feedback much appreciated. I'm looking forward to the guys' response to your thoughts and those of the other HuffPo commenters who are lending their insights to the cause...
re: your last 'graf, it is hard to sum up three such interesting guys in 800 words, for sure! re: putting myself on the line, I totally agree. In fact, I tried...
The last line of the post I submitted read, "Next time perhaps you can give some advice about date-free me" -but it got deleted in the posting somehow. Meanwhile there's this really cute guy in town who...well, that's my next post actually :) Thanks for your insights!
Sharon
Which leads to Guy #2, who's a lot more like I am. I've given my share of flowers and handmade cards early on, essentially expressing some inchoate conviction that the world should behave the way I think it should, not the way it does. And the world would indeed be a nicer place if gestures of unconditional attraction and affection were received, appreciated and reciprocated without judgment. But here's what the coffee really smells like: Courting is at least as much Darwinian imperative as enlightened aspiration. And on a gut level, most women are turned off by the apparent weakness they perceive in excessive gestures of unconditional acceptance like handmade cards. When I got that, my world did a 180.
To be clear, I'm not suggesting he be an asshole (though it should be noted that assholes are at no apparent disadvantage in attracting women, but that doesn't excuse it). Neither am I even saying he should completely abandon the behavior he may associate to his credit with the kind of person he wants to be. But he does need to slow it down and reign it in enough to give women the space to meet him halfway. As opposed to what he's doing now, which gives away the game before it even starts, putting all the power in her hands -- to repeat, not a balance conducive to mutual attraction.
Are they still finding themselves? There's only a fleeting window during which that's affordable. Physical activities become problematic for men at some point and a prelude to midlife crises for those who have not found something universal at which they can excel. Are they dilletantes lacking aggressive pursuit with a singleminded focus that has high ROI? Have they invested in a creative merger of interest and vocation?
Perfection's rarely attained. One or the other is sacrificed to some degree. Those learning to achieve some balance in life can engage in any one of a variety of games and find satisfaction with one.
Do they have realistic plans to achieve their dreams and practice daily in an effort to attain them or are they stuck in boyhood, wanting to be firemen or astronauts? Is their "next thing" continually just around the corner or are they actively engaged in something today that will be around for them tomorrow?
Do they have any intellectual endeavors that might expose enough of their interiors that any woman might determine whether she has a potential soulmate worth a closer look? Or does their dating history suggest that they are better suited with a woman who simply wants a man for a man's sake...who gets checks in all the boxes that prove he is a guy's guy, leaving most of the remaining boxes unchecked?
You hardly gave enough info for a reasonably accurate prognosis. Who knows...you might be an accurate barometer yourself so juxtapose them with what you want then tell us how they match up. Put something of yourself on the line. There's another blog for you to write in all of this somewhere.
Tell B1 to give up break dancing. If it's not twenty years ago and he's not black and living in the South Bronx, it just ain't hip...cool...neat...whatever. When the music starts, tell him to sit alone in a corner looking morose and stroking his stick shift. I know a couple of Rocky Mountain motorcycle racers. Morose works.
Tell B2 that being a street juggler is about on the same social level as being a mime. If he insists, then insist on piercings in appropriate places...and I'm not talking about the parchment of his carefully encased salmon. Steamed vegetables and black rice? Are you sure he's not gay? (Oh, I forgot. Rocky Mountains.) Tell him to buy a steak and smear it over his body to hide the fish smell.
The third housemate stays home because he is in love with you.