Pimp My Housemates

Two months ago, my dog and I moved into a split-level rural Rocky Mountain house-share with three single straight guys from our singleton's one-bedroom apartment in Brooklyn.

In those two months, I've noticed that while my guys can bake pies and shoot guns, they keep missing the target when it comes to love.

Knowing that Huffington Post readers are brilliant and savvy when it comes to love, I'd like to ask your advice.

· What are my dashing housemate dudes doing wrong -- and right when it comes to their dating lives?

· How could they better win a woman's heart and fulfill their quest for lasting love?

The future of my bachelor housemates' hardy hearts are in your hands! Please be kind, and opine.

Love-Challenged Bachelor 1: The Semi-Driving Sculptor

Age: 26
Height: 6'5"
Weight: 200-something
Body Type: Male-model muscle
Tattoos/Piercings: Multiple tattoos include a yin-yang sign.
Eyes: Hazel (I think. I'm 4'10", so we don't see eye to eye, physically, that much.)
Hair: Brown with bleached/colored top bits.

Current Profession: 18-Wheel Truck Driver for a local oil company.

Ideal Job: Business creative. Linking his fine arts degree to a well-paying career is high on Bachelor 1's To-Do List for 2008.

Signature move: Moving with skill through life-threatening terrain.

Hobbies: Break-dancing, tai chi, hunting, snowboarding, motorcycle racing.

Subscribes to: Rolling Stone, Field and Stream, Powder, Men's Journal, Inc., Outdoor Photographer, Sport Compact Car.

Beliefs: Astrology, feng-shui, composting.

Signature homemade dish (for self): Meat in a skillet.

Signature homemade dish (for company): Ming Tsai's Turkey Scaloppine with cranberry-mango vinaigrette.

Random acts of kindness: Bachelor 1 drove into town to buy an axe handle for himself and came home with a designer lighting fixture for our entranceway which he wired into the ceiling before lunch. During a recent snowstorm, he woke up at 6 am and drove me to Denver for a voice-over session.

Dating strategy: When the stars align, Bachelor 1 says, love will find him. Til then, he believes, he's fated to pine. Adding to the uphill nature of his quest? Bachelor 1's dream woman is a "curvaceous Asian" in a part of the country that's 97% not-Asian.

Most Recent Heartbreak: The woman at the local lighting store who said she had a boyfriend when Bachelor 1 asked her out.

Current Status: Date-less.

America, what's your take? Why is Bachelor 1, so sure a hunter in the outdoors, so timid when it comes to love? What steps can he take, dating-wise, to get over his fear of rejection?

Bachelor 2: The Juggling Philosopher

Age: 33
Height: 5'6"
Weight: 100-something.
Body Type: Gymnast-athletic, non-fat.
Eyes: Hazel (I think.)
Hair: Short, brown, mussed.
Tattoos/Piercings: No how, no way.

Current Profession: Juggler (spheres, fire, other) for corporate events, street malls, private parties.

Signature Move: Escaping from a straight-jacket while jogging atop a 3' Pilates-ab-cruncher type ball.

Ideal Job: One-man Cirque du Soleil

Hobbies: Extreme biking, hiking, camping; pies and waffles, metalwork.

Subscribes to: Intuition

Beliefs: The power of the divine masculine and feminine.

Signature homemade dish (for self): Steamed vegetables with black rice.

Signature homemade dish (for others): Parchment-encased salmon with seared spinach, homemade bread.

Random acts of kindness: In a feat worthy of a housemate Nobel Prize, Bachelor 2 negotiated the safe release of my furniture from an irate team of Brooklyn movers while simultaneously entertaining an out-of-town guest in search of spiritual transformation and crafting a homemade flammable effigy for our neighbor's pagan New Year celebration. He's drilled level holes into my walls for my curtains, and offers insights in hiking spots, home and happiness on a daily basis.

Dating strategy: Beautiful flowers, caring emails and handmade cards are among the presents Bachelor 2 offers his amours, often before a first date. He listens to, and advises his dates on matters personal, interpersonal and professional. He's beginning to wonder if he may be giving more than he's receiving?

Last Heartache: While cooking dinner for a friend/possible date at her apartment, Bachelor 2 fell in love with her roommate, whom he found gorgeous, gracious and equally smitten with him. Overjoyed, Bachelor 2 sent a heartfelt email to both women explaining the situation and followed it up with a homemade, hand-delivered card addressed to the gorgeous, gracious roommate. The only downside? The roommate, who was totally uninterested.

Current Status: Date-less.

What's your take, America? Do Bachelor 2's amazing gifts work against him, dating-wise and if so, how? How can he turn his recent run of unrequited loves into the Real Thing?

Bachelor 3: The Totally Private Guy

Height/Weight/etc.: None of your beeswax, sorry.

Okay, I confess. This last housemate profile is kind of a bonus question/freebie. My third housemate is a Redskins football team loving vegetarian social worker, who is also currently date-free. The source of his predicament is totally clear to him, as he prefers, when he's not working, to stay in the house. He knows the answers to his questions, but prefers not to discuss them in public. Respecting his wishes, may I ask that you delete this last section from your collective HuffPo mind? Thanks!

To sum up: Three great guys. Two Bachelors seeking your brilliant advice, below. Thanks for your help, America!

(Next time, if we have more time, perhaps I can ask your advice about Bachelorette me.)

Comments

[Bachelor1]

Also, a comment to the jaded armchair critic. My not being black or from the Bronx is not a reason to not breakdance. I don't get down because it is "cool". I dance because I love to move and it feels good. Investing so much energy into something so fringe definately doesn't help to attract the opposite sex, however, I don't care. I love the feeling and so do the black, mexican, asian, and other white people I dance with, and skin color, temporal, or physical locality don't seem to matter to them either. I do what I do and find happiness in the moment.

[Bachelor1]

Where to begin... well as one of the subjects in question here I must say it is always curious and rather revealing to see how someone else views you from the outside. I must say that I am tickled by my new roomate's impression of me, it is honest and kind, however, I am not sure that it is accurate of who I am. I feel it paints me as being more macho than I am, but who is to say that I don't project that sort of image. I am a very physical being, a large portion of my childhood was spend sedentarily and now I am making up for it. I wanted to be a palentologist as a child so I don't think that my "adult" interests are a dreamy pursuit of childhood dreams to be a astronaut or fireman and unfortunately I am not quite sure what I want to pursue as a career/life path at this moment. I feel the latter part of that comment is what is holding me back in regards to finding the right woman for me. I think that you attract people relative to the place you stand in your own personal development in life. When I am sure of where I am going in life/confident with where I stand, I will attract/collide with the "right one"... a little silly and romantic but anything else is too fatalistic for me(as contrary as this is to my claim of not being excessively escapist). I have definately considered the possibility that I am viewing women unrealistically, idealistically, or as doll like. Physically I know what I am attracted to, what turns me on and I will not deny myself that. I am equally attracted to emotional, intellectual, and spiritual depth, but I will not forgo my physical attractions either. I have tried that and it always ends the same... I end up unsatisfied, sounds selfish but it is true and unescapable.

[SharonG]

PPatt,

You're quite on-target, feedback much appreciated. I'm looking forward to the guys' response to your thoughts and those of the other HuffPo commenters who are lending their insights to the cause...

re: your last 'graf, it is hard to sum up three such interesting guys in 800 words, for sure! re: putting myself on the line, I totally agree. In fact, I tried...

The last line of the post I submitted read, "Next time perhaps you can give some advice about date-free me" -but it got deleted in the posting somehow. Meanwhile there's this really cute guy in town who...well, that's my next post actually :) Thanks for your insights!

Sharon

[NYartdealer]

These guys are a gay man's dream. Any questions?

[guajiro]

B1 seems to be a nice fella, but letting the stars tell him when to start dating is his way of letting himself off the hook for not finding a girl. The only way to meet women IS TO MEET WOMEN! He did well in asking the sales lady out. Don't stop there. He must approach dating as he would approach any job. On the way to any event, scope out the hotties, where do they work, etc., make a mental list and his 'job' next time is to find something to talk about(made up lies are a must here) and do it quickly. Time is important. He must have a quota of women he will meet on a superficial level (first impressions are important) per day. After this strategy, B1 should have several women with whom he has conversed and he should be able to pick up on their vibes as to whether they will go out with him. B1 will realize after dating a few of these women that his dating friends will have more girlfriends than he can shake a stick at and that traditionally these women will all be trying to go out with him on the sly(women tend to avoid men unless they're with another woman). It is at this point where B1 will find his companion. Of those women who will be trying to steal B1 from their friend, he will realize that either he's impressed by the loyalty of the girl he's taking out, or he will be impressed by how hard his date's friend is trying to steal him. Either way, a good ending. There.

[LeoMarvin]

#1 should make it his mission to get rejected as often as he has to to drain the power fear of rejection is exerting over his ability to be himself. Once he accepts a certain amount of rejection as inevitable, and stops trying pointlessly to avoid it, he can approach women who interest him without being pre-occupied by fear. He'll focus more on whether he likes them, and less on whether they like him. That's a better balance for both of them. Most woman aren't attracted to guys whose fear puts the woman completely in control of a relationship before it starts.

Which leads to Guy #2, who's a lot more like I am. I've given my share of flowers and handmade cards early on, essentially expressing some inchoate conviction that the world should behave the way I think it should, not the way it does. And the world would indeed be a nicer place if gestures of unconditional attraction and affection were received, appreciated and reciprocated without judgment. But here's what the coffee really smells like: Courting is at least as much Darwinian imperative as enlightened aspiration. And on a gut level, most women are turned off by the apparent weakness they perceive in excessive gestures of unconditional acceptance like handmade cards. When I got that, my world did a 180.

To be clear, I'm not suggesting he be an asshole (though it should be noted that assholes are at no apparent disadvantage in attracting women, but that doesn't excuse it). Neither am I even saying he should completely abandon the behavior he may associate to his credit with the kind of person he wants to be. But he does need to slow it down and reign it in enough to give women the space to meet him halfway. As opposed to what he's doing now, which gives away the game before it even starts, putting all the power in her hands -- to repeat, not a balance conducive to mutual attraction.

[PPatt]

Do these guys step out of their comfort zones? Are they secure enough to date intellectual betters? How do they fare in discussions in about themselves...in which a woman discusses her likes and dislikes? Given something less threatening, perhaps a general discussion in which they are not the topic, how do they react when women discuss ideals that they do not typify? Are they threatened? Do they rationalize?

Are they still finding themselves? There's only a fleeting window during which that's affordable. Physical activities become problematic for men at some point and a prelude to midlife crises for those who have not found something universal at which they can excel. Are they dilletantes lacking aggressive pursuit with a singleminded focus that has high ROI? Have they invested in a creative merger of interest and vocation?

Perfection's rarely attained. One or the other is sacrificed to some degree. Those learning to achieve some balance in life can engage in any one of a variety of games and find satisfaction with one.

Do they have realistic plans to achieve their dreams and practice daily in an effort to attain them or are they stuck in boyhood, wanting to be firemen or astronauts? Is their "next thing" continually just around the corner or are they actively engaged in something today that will be around for them tomorrow?

Do they have any intellectual endeavors that might expose enough of their interiors that any woman might determine whether she has a potential soulmate worth a closer look? Or does their dating history suggest that they are better suited with a woman who simply wants a man for a man's sake...who gets checks in all the boxes that prove he is a guy's guy, leaving most of the remaining boxes unchecked?

You hardly gave enough info for a reasonably accurate prognosis. Who knows...you might be an accurate barometer yourself so juxtapose them with what you want then tell us how they match up. Put something of yourself on the line. There's another blog for you to write in all of this somewhere.

[mightbesane]

Easy.

Tell B1 to give up break dancing. If it's not twenty years ago and he's not black and living in the South Bronx, it just ain't hip...cool...neat...whatever. When the music starts, tell him to sit alone in a corner looking morose and stroking his stick shift. I know a couple of Rocky Mountain motorcycle racers. Morose works.

Tell B2 that being a street juggler is about on the same social level as being a mime. If he insists, then insist on piercings in appropriate places...and I'm not talking about the parchment of his carefully encased salmon. Steamed vegetables and black rice? Are you sure he's not gay? (Oh, I forgot. Rocky Mountains.) Tell him to buy a steak and smear it over his body to hide the fish smell.

[Desiderata]

The first two housemates need to stop looking and start knowing beauty. Both appear to focus on the ideal woman as a doll instead of a human being. Tell them to develope friendships with those they are attracted to. Let those women get to know them at least a week or two before asking for a date.

The third housemate stays home because he is in love with you.