The Folly of Adults

After the metro bombing in London, in July 2005, my initial response echoed most of those around me: sorrow for lives lost, some anxiety about getting on a subway in NYC, distress at the state of a degenerating world. This was all natural, but remained strictly within "us versus them" thinking.

Willa, my then 7-year-old godchild, had another perspective. On being told what had happened, her eyes filled with tears and she said, "Mom, we should say a prayer." As she and her mother held hands, Willa asked to go first. Her mother was stunned to hear Willa begin with, "May the bad people remember the love in their hearts."

Willa's startling wisdom often takes me to another place, and a new perspective. She is now 11, and a fantastic artist, a burgeoning actress, a poet, and an imp. It's pretty hard to imagine life without her.

Willa was born in China, adopted and raised in the U.S. by 2 of my closest friends. Their family came instantly to my mind when I heard about the trailer for the upcoming movie, Orphan, about an older adopted child who turns out to be evil and wreaks havoc on her new family. The original trailer featured the unbelievable tagline: "It must be hard to love an adopted child like your own." Really?

For all the Willas who might have sat in a movie theater somewhere, seeing that trailer, I apologize for the folly of adults. I apologize for our tendency to be unthinking and insensitive, to create and recreate an "other" over and over again. Almost by definition, the "other" is an object, not a person, and so anything might be said about them or done to them, and it doesn't count, it doesn't matter. That kind of objectification lies at the heart of cruelty, heartlessness, and so much casual indifference.

Can one just say anything at all about children without it counting? There are millions of children around the globe who are or were once parentless due to circumstances completely beyond their control - do their feelings really not matter? Can one then do anything at all to children without it counting as abusive, or hurtful, or consequential? Really?

Can one say anything at all about families, with our own definition of a "real" family counting as absolute truth, and a different construct of a family being deemed inauthentic or unworthy or lesser? Who gets to decide when and how a child becomes your own? What distant entity owns that right?

My heart aches for the pain caused by the attitudes we so often perpetuate, the assigning of "otherness" we so often engage in to exclude someone. As recipients, we all know when we confront the ignorance of others of who we are, and we all know the temptation to dive into that person's or group's definition of us and cloak ourselves in it, to know ourselves as not belonging, and inferior and left out.

"Don't do it Willa," I keep thinking. "Don't believe that about yourself and your family!" But then, it is quite possible she wouldn't. We should say a prayer.

Comments

[mjedelman]

Joyful as always... Thanks!

[jennem]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

[MaLou]

Thanks, Sharon. Your books and dharma talks on CD have been of tremendous help to me during difficult times and I feel have made me a better person. Glad to read you on the Huffington Post, may you touch many more people.

[MinerSam]

There is also a difference between Anger and Hatred. The latter having within it FEAR, hopelessness, potential seeds for revenge.

So it's critical to talk to enemies. So you can give them a piece of your mind. VsPerpetuating hatred and ignorance through Rhetoric about the Other.

Krishnamurti said "It's critical to distinguish between an event and ones IMPRESSIONS of that event. " A struggle of a lifetime.

Talking to enemies allows for teaching what we/they might not have thought of and to eliminate
operating fears. ...And bring out "Better Angels" which Willa may be able to do.

Good diplomacy includes Tough Love. And since good parenting begets children who are likely to become good parents, developing sensitivity to children can impact generations for millennia.

All this requires ability to "Do Nuance" Which the information pipelines we rely on fails to do.

And the common belief that "the devil is in the detail" may perpetuate fear. Seems to me that if there is a God it is she or he who resides in the detail...and knowing the the details of History, what the other believes and misimpressions are key.

In the 60s it was commonly understood that ignorance is the enemy of justice, freedom, democracy.
....But in the last 30 years education has gone down the tubes...

Thus along with praying for the better angels of enemies (massive Wireless transmission) CONTEXT&HISTORY in AIR/TV/CABLE Media, improved education system and sensitivity to
children go hand in hand.

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

Hi Sharon,

I like your definition of creating an "other". It's very hard to not to do so, I try but often fail. Thanks for the prespective, I'll try to rmember to practice.

[MinerSam]

Dear Sharon,

Thanks so much your applying what seems to me lessons from a FACT BASED examined life
to the Real lives of others.

In recent discussions on pending Supreme Court Justice some equated the capacity for empathy with emotion (nevermind implications of Emotion to be a lesser human quality) .

However, I disagree with both premises. Empathy, or the ability to put oneself in someone else's shoes is an advanced Intellectual capacity stemming from a conscious life.....
..additionally, the more we know ourselves (see ourselves in the picture) the better partners
...and citizens we make.

Willa's remarks remind me that I cryied when seeing the Dalai Lama express WORRIES about that those who hurt his people are damaging THEIR OWN minds.

Once having run a group for Partner of Incest Survivors was struck by obliviousness of abusive parents to their impact upon their child.....The PROCESS OF HUMAN CONDITIONING, damage done to people's Operating Systems.

As for DIVISIONS from defining "others" Facts be Facts:
Republicans, when in charge, divided us group against group. Catholic VsCatholic, Veteran VsVeteran, Younger VsOlder w/Social Security, Employer VsEmployee, The Uninformed
against the knowledgeable AND AGAINST "Fact based truth" ...how they demeaned Facts.

Knowing Nations/Po­liticalOrg­anizations are subject to human qualities...
...Head, Heart, Wisdom....We can put ourselves in the shoes of abusers (likely abused themselves) while never failing to protect those ubale to protect themselves. ...Even those (too busy working)
to realize they are being braiwashed...