If there is one thing I hear all the time from women, it is some variation of the theme: "I'm tired of being the one who gives more than I receive."
The details change depending upon the stage of the friendship, but the implication is always that we are tired of being the initiators, the givers, the schedulers, the inviters and the ones who do the most for the other. We apparently listen the longest, serve most thoughtfully, and show up more consistently. In short, we think of ourselves as the "better friend."
From all my interactions with women, you'd think the odds are probable that I'd eventually connect with these blessed beneficiaries, these winners in the life lottery of our giving. You'd think that for every woman who gives too much that there would be at least one woman out there who admits getting too much.
Ironically, I haven't yet met her.
I am curious about this apparent vast imbalance, and I'm not talking about a healthy friendship where life circumstances mean that one of us needs to receive more than we can offer, for a time.
My inquisitiveness leads me to ponder possible theories about why women seem to often be giving to each other without ever feeling full, in return. Could any of them be true?
Seven Possible Explanations For The Giving Disparity
Though I won't go so far as to say I don't think there are needy, insatiable and self-centered people out there, I will say that I don't think everyone, except us, is one. From my experience, almost every woman I interact with truly wants to be in a mutual friendship. However, not surprisingly, those mutual friendships don't seem to be strengthened by scorecard and tally counts.
In my next post (sign up for alerts in the top right corner of this page to be notified when it's up) I am going to highlight some strategies for how we can bring more mutuality and joy to our friendships. But for now, I challenge you, if you're someone who feels like you give more than you get, to see if any of these theories resonate with you. Or maybe you have another one to add to the list?
Why do you think so many people believe they are the over-giver in their relationships?
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Friendship - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
I still want to be a giver and a good friend, and I think I am that person. But I am balancing that with my own needs now. And that is important, too.
I think it's perfectly okay to start friendships by dipping a toe in first, instead of diving right in. Healthy boundaries ensure we surround ourselves with people who are good for us.
Some of the most aggregious and the most deadly to a friendship (including the ultimate friendship between lovers) comes from counting favors.
I'm not saying that every person should not have a general idea of the cost vs. benefitss in a relationships. That is necessary for essential self-preservation. On the other hand, if the counting of the costs and benefits becomes too specific too early, it will divide a frienship as surely as violence. Both violence and suspicion violate the bonds of trust and should not be used until there is little doubt that it is necessary.
The only use of violence is for physical (rather than emotional) self defense. Suspicion may be warranted or not but can be necessary for your defense on several levels. When suspicion is aroused, I try to carefully evaluate it, andif I decide that it is reasonable, I check it out. Counting favors is a defense against either person taking advantage of a relationship. When you've finished, either proclaim the results of your analysis or shut it away. Remember that when your friend becomes aware of your suspicion, they may become offended. Of course, a pretense at being offended is also one of the first line of defenses of the guilty party and may actually becoome reality. If you guage that any part of the reaction is fake, then the friendship is generally worthless.
Neither of us gives gifts unless we want to do it.
No one keeps score about how often one has gifted/treated to lunch the other one.
No one keeps a running tab of the cost of gifts given or received. Some of our best gifts have come from the dollar store! (Ex: A butterfly net which works great for catching spiders or little animals that run into your house and you don't want to touch. They will run from your hand but won't run from a net on a long stick. Go figure!)
We have agreed to do things for each other because the giver wants to do so. It makes us happy to do something nice for each other. But we don't expect reciprocation in any way. To feel like that takes away from something being freely given.
No 'hooks', no guilt, no running tabs, no expectations. Just a kindness here and there when we want to do it. It works for us. I guess that's all that really matters.
Your agreement is an excellent rock on which to base your friendship.
It is also a healthy check against the preditors which we run into as our friends are often able to see and determine things that we can't.
I've had a few friends who are too independent and proud to accept help when I offer it. Then they decide that they are giving more to me because I am willing to admit that I need help. This is not about neediness; it is about self-concept. I know I'm not perfect and will readily admit to my flaws, but during the 'honeymoon' of a friendship, certain people are unwilling to show their true selves in order to receive.
Another thing I've noticed is that if a friendship doesn't survive the first argument, the friendship has no lasting value. If you can't fight fairly or accept conflict in your relationship, it will not persevere. Those who expect perfection out of any relationship (i.e. no conflict) don't live in reality and will not have lasting relationships.
1. Give and never expect anything in return.
2. Everyone has their limitations.
Boundaries. Respect a person's boundaries, personally, professionally and don't go prying into their belongings.
I had a 'friend' spend the night at my home. During the night she got up and went into my studio and found my diaries, books of thoughts, personal memos, etc and read them. Went through all of my bookcases, played with my personal crystals and who knows what else and then had the gaul to tell me what she did in the morning. That was the end of our friendship. You don't go snooping into other people's business.
When I do things for my friends, i don't really think, ohhh i should get something back, I do it because it makes me feel good and it brings a smile to his or her face. I think too many people demand things from people that they don't demand from themselves.
I've found my best friends - not as in being physcially close, since they're inconsdierate enough to live in the US while I live in Oz :) - by the chance of getting into a writer's group. I had no idea that would happen, I joined to get critiques, lol. Deliberately trying to make new friends has always given me the willies.