06/02/2009 06:33 pm ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Hey Cheney, Would it Kill You to Smile a Little?

Looking at any photo of Dick Cheney over the last 30 years, it is clear that he isn't human. If he was, he would still possess the ability to express human emotions through facial expressions other than hawkishness, callous disdain, and a smug grimace that would resemble a contracting anus if not for the facial paralysis. (These expressions may look the same to the untrained eye, but they are in fact distinct.) And he does not.

His cat-like ability to dodge heart attacks, scrutiny from the media and democracy fundementally underlies my claim. No human can be as slippery a f*ck as this guy is, or survive that much damage while keeping his finger on the pointer of the American moral compass without a little help. There are two popular theories out there (other than that rich people control the government) as to how he became the Missing Link between Rush Limbaugh and a colonoscopy camera, staring up the wrong end of American values with an insider's view.

The more pessimistic theory goes that Cheney arrived on the doorstep of America's elite and powerful in a basket one day, with a note attached saying "Please feed cold fish heads and the blood of an unborn goat until fully grown and deliver to Republican National Headquarters. Keep fingers away from mouth area until incisors have been dulled. Do not make eye contact." He then had his gills or other alien breathing apporatus removed and replaced, was fitted with a suit and tie and headed to Washington with a penchant for gladiatorial style fights, polka music and gladiatorial fights set to polka music.

A more optomistic view is that he is an advanced robot prototype sent from the future to warn us about how bad future a-holes could be by forward thinking generations of peace loving humans. When the original D-1 unit (code named Richard Nixon, or "Dick") failed to send home the message, the D-2000 unit was dispatched in the hopes of alliviating suffering of future generations. He can't be de-activated until we as a generation stop him from his primary objective of of spreading assholery, or we learn from its pathological behaviour, simmering malice and inability to course correct.

To refute either theory, all Cheney has to do is display a single human characteristic other than his pleasure in man's inhumanity to man. So, to get the ball rolling, I ask simply this: Cheney, can you give us a smile? If you can give me an honest, endearing, positive indication that you are indeed a member of the human race, and have an ounce of positivity in you, maybe I will lay off. Smile at a baby, laugh at a joke that doesn't involve torture, pet a kitty, listen diligently to an old person's story, anything. Until then...