I'm all for equal marital rights across the board, but this comment thread is infested with the exasperating expressions of entitlement that serve only to buttress the opposition.
A little gratitude would be nice--a little grace and perspective, perhaps. Remember, the LGBT community comprises about 10% of society. This isn't a taunt; it's a fact, and this fact calls for persuasion--not incessant, petulant, counterintuitive demands for permission. Remember, life isn't fair.
Happiness is derived from good luck, good works and good attitude. Everybody has the right to be snide, bitchy and insistent, but everybody has to choose their own battles as well. So it comes down to a simple question: what's more important? Winning the war or winning the argument?
Will I Live to See My Wedding Day?
Today the California Supreme Court justly decided that I and my community are worthy of equal rights under the law. But despite this joyous milestone in gay and lesbian emancipation, our interminable fight continues: for national recognition of same-sex marriage and more immediately in the forthcoming California anti-gay marriage ballot initiative in November. This initiative is constitutional; if it passes, it will be immune to court challenges. Same-sex rights in California are fragile. We are still quite far from the endgame.
This laborious and lugubrious path to equality and freedom; to respect and recognition; and to compassion and kindness takes a destructive toll on the hearts and the spirits of we the vilified, the discriminated, and the humiliated second-class people of the United States of America. The impact of our oppression can be felt in countless physical, economic and social ways; but it is my own personal feelings that I'd like to share because, well, this is personal.
Part of me knows that I do not need the court's approval to buttress my sense of self-worth as a gay person. My country, my state, my army, and my religious institutions excommunicate me, but I will never excommunicate myself. I have internalized the cultural achievements of those pioneers who have come before me: I will not hide in shame; I will not hate myself. If I cannot have legal emancipation, I emancipate myself.
My life and my future will be defined on my own terms. I value my life no matter who abandons me as a result. I will write my own verdict within my heart and upon my soul: there are no pre-conditions to my self-worth just as there are no pre-conditions to equal standing under the law and no compromises on the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of love and family. This is the essence of my pride.
And yet: I have longed so much for the court's recognition, which I foolishly and impulsively conflate with wider social reconciliation and cultural respect. I yearned for its approval because of my deep emotional vulnerability and spiritual pain. I longed for its palliative gesture; for its kindness and compassion; for its redemptive arm in my social and cultural exile.
But most of all, I rejoice in its verdict because I am sick of being afraid.
From the very first day I could verbalize my same-sex orientation, I have carried the paralyzing dread that I would never see my own legally recognized wedding. I fear that I will never experience the psychological and social security of marriage or a family recognized and protected by the law. I fear that I will never have the reassurance of the law and thus of society's affirmation that helps a union survive.
Many friends--both straight and gay--don't understand: why is marriage so important to me? Why can't I just settle for cohabitation or life partnership?
In short: my life is not the same without the prospect of marriage. I want marriage because I want a better kind of life. I want to enter into a contract with one person, with the approval and support of our community. I want to enter a new phase of my life; to be recognized; to go through the ordeal of determining if I'm ready; to become marriage material; to settle down; to establish a home; to have someone who is always there for me; to meet and address social expectations through a new social identity. I want to accept both marriage's burdens and its benefits. And I want marriage for a better kind of love.
Today, the supreme court took one historic step in calming my fear, but it's verdict is no panacea. Our enemies are amassing; the ballot initiative looms ominously; the future is far from promising.
A prevalent myth has it that the legalization of gay marriage is only a matter of time. I hear this quite a bit from gay activists and communal leaders who recommend patience, institution building, navigating the channels of K Street and the courts, and calculated political action. Certainly, this strategy has brought some important successes; its not hard to see why it may just be only a matter of time.
I am 26 years old: just how much more time are we talking about? A decade? Two? Three? I wonder: will I see marriage at age 36? 46? 56? Will I live to see my wedding day?
Forgive me if I sound impatient, but I am. I do not want to have to wait for a generation of bigots to die out. I am sick of being afraid. I want the right to marry now!
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Although I have never wanted to marry any of my boyfriends, I support marriage equality for all Americans. If you truly want to be married, go to California and get hitched. Don't wait for the bigots to die because there is always a new crop to take their place.
As for science, anatomy, and biology, Dairyair is living in the past. No man, gay or straight can bear a child, but this too shall change. The technology already exists to mix the DNA from any individuals and place it in an egg. The egg must develop in a female womb currently, but work is being done to allow males to give birth. Dairyair needs to throw out all those old books he has been relying on. Those old books are lies. This is the 21st century. Much of this is already going on. Thank God science does not require government and religious sanction to move forward.
So, if a opposite sex couple wish to be married and cannot have or do not want to have children then they should only be allowed to have a civil union and not a marriage right? And if an opposite sex couple that already have children from different partners and do not wish to have more children they can only have a civil union because they are not procreating with each other?
You are for civil unions but against same sex marriage. So is it all semantics with you or should each one afford different rights? Different rights altogether or separate but equal rights?
You admit that marriage is an archaic (in case you didn't know archaic means old, out-dated, or something no longer put to use but sometimes used to throw in some flavor of the past) tradition yet you would vote for an amendment to deny rights to people to "protect" it.
I look forward to meeting the anti-same gender marriage petitioners. They will have to expose themselves to get signatures. Let their public humiliation and ostracism begin. I'm sick of this country and my individual rights and liberties being held hostage to and determined by ignorant, hateful faux Christians and other slag heaps.
"i want..... society's affirmation that helps a union survive"
are you serious ?
if society's affirmation helps unions survive, why do you think the US has a 50% divorce rate ?? Given the number of gay couples that are heading for union dissolutions i doubt society's affirmation is helping them much either,,,,,
marriage is an archaic institution that derives its meaning and weight-age from its historical relevance in human history and its function as the basic backbone of society... -- the essence of that long tradition and history is that marriage has always been defined as between a man and a woman...
Go back in greek history ... when gay unions were not only encouraged but also looked upon as the more perfect union... even during that period . marriage was defined as between man and a woman...
if this was about equal rights ... you would be happy with civil unions... (which i completely support... )
I am completely against 'gay marriage' and would vote for a constitutional amendment to define marriage as between a man and a woman.
I think the institution of marriage however archaic is not so much to protect the union between two adults as it is to protect children that are born from such a union...
Since gay couples cant biologically procreate with each other ... we should leave marriage out of that mix...
Ok, so I guess we should also not allow infertile people to marry, right.? Should a woman have to prove she is not post meneposal in order to get married? This argument is idiocy unless you only allow fertile people to marry, which is not the law anywhere in the world as far as i know.
I want to marry this man I met recently. He's going back home in a few days to the East Coast to divorce his wife first. What a beautiful man. He stayed in long enough to raise his kid. Now he's leaving. That's all straight people care about when they force gay men into loveless marriages right? To take care of the kids? Done.
The statement that "straight people force gay men into loveless marriages' is priceless. No one 'forces' you to do anything, chief. This 'beautiful man' that you are fawning over leaves the wreckage behind him- an innocent woman whom he betrayed and deceived and a child who has to grow up with the knowledge that daddy is a pervert and a fraud. Nobody put a gun to his head. He did this all on his own.
If the child is raised, then this woman has spent how many years being betrayed. I support gay marriage, but I do not support this kind of lie. It is cruel and stupid.
amazing... thats exactly the kind of selfishness that makes me think that you deserve every bit of hate that comes your way...
there is a reason why gay men are not allowed to donate at the blood banks ... think about it .. and stop blaming others for your life choices...
I agree with you to a certain extent, Merlin, but honestly, as flawed as marriage is, it is the only way to guarantee immigration and property rights, custody and health care rights, etc. Some gays want a wedding. Others need marriage for life and death matters.
Shaun,
When you find the right partner, just do it! You are not wrong to "impulsively conflate (the court's recognition) with wider social reconciliation and cultural respect. It won't be immediate because old prejudices die slowly, but it will happen and will be hastened by legal recognition.
It is unrealistic to expect the courts to do all the heavy lifting and take all the heat, particularly with a 4-3 split decision. Instead of whining about whether one is going to see one's wedding day, like some bridal magazine fantasy, there is the option of working on defeating this amendment. As of last year, and no recent polling has been released, Californians are about 46 even on the subject, according to the highly respected Field Poll. But this involves hard work and lots of money.
The Christo Fascists are going to be working hard, VERY HARD, to pass this constitutional amendment. California is not only composed of the six liberal counties around San Francisco and Los Angeles County, but 52 other counties that are going to have to be won over. And while financial contributions are going to be necessary, the gay community is going to have to learn how to mobilize and fight for what they want instead of the incessant crying and whining.
Right now, the Republican majority on the California Supreme Court and the Republican Governator have made the first move. It is beyond time that gays emptied out of the bars and started realizing that if they want same sex marriage, and that's a mighty big if, they are going to have to do some of the heavy lifting this November. Today's ruling is just the beginning.
Great way to stereotype there and dismiss all the work thousands of gay activists have put in!
You know, after our busy day of working in the floral shops and hair salons we only have so much energy left over and that is for the incessant crying and whining, oh, and dishing over the latest issues of People and Redbook. Then, after our disco naps we head to the bars and party because we are only irresponsible hedonists you know!
Tell it to Brown of Brown vs. Board of Education. That court did the heavy lifting and proclaimed that "separate but equal" wasn't good enough. It isn't unrealistic to expect the courts to lead the way. They are the entity that has consistently been supporting the legality of same-sex marriage.
Your interpretation of this posting as "crying and whining" is astonishing. There is room enough in this discussion to allow for emotional appeals - sometimes that is the only way to connect to people who can't or won't process the logic beyond the argument. I hear frustration and impatience at those who seem to want to hope for small incremental change. Read "Letter from a Birmingham Jail" to hear what MLK thought about working via the established system.
Truth is, lots of gay people don't want gay marriage and they don't want to be in the military. They do however want the USA to live up to its promise of equal protection for all citizens. Words have a meaning and all means everyone and equal means equal.
The only real way that gay marriage can be denied in the USA is a national constitutional amendment. Why? The 14th amendment to the US Constitution guarantees equal protection under the law to all citizens. So even all those states that passed laws and amended their own constitutions to continue the Theocratic bigotry of one man one woman, are actually going against the US constitution. But of course it will probably be another hundred years before real equality will ever be reached. If ever. The Theocratic Not See Right is just too powerful in the USA. The California ruling won't stand, there are too many bigots in the USA.
YOU ROCK Shaun Jacob Halper! Well said!!!!
And we won today in California. 2 down, 48 to go...
As a Jew and a proud gay man myself, I can tell you that yes, this will take time. As has social acceptance of many minorities in White Christian America. But your impatience is imperative. It is the spirit of contest that demands recourse and action and drives our movement for full social equality and, perhaps one day, true acceptance.
I had the honor and privilege of marrying the love of my life 2 years ago this June. It was devastating and invalidating that my country, my state (NY) and my home town (NYC) wouldn't do this for us. We had to go to our ever more-enlightened neighbor to the North and did this in Toronto. Still, it's not even two years later and New York has already (this past February) ruled that they recognize my marriage (though they still won't perform it). So we're making progress and when you look back at where we've come from, its quite substantial in a short amount of time. But when you look forward, it can be daunting to see that there's so much more to do. I guess what I'm saying is; I feel your pain and struggle.
So my advice to you and all of our brothers and sisters is; Be patient and be impatient. That's the only way to get somewhere and not lose your mind and faith in the process.
Well said!
Thank you for your insightful article.
I am recently married (as of last June) and I could not imagine not being able to get married because the government said I couldn't.
I sincerely do not understand why people care what you, or I, or anyone else does in the privacy of our own homes and why do they care how anyone wants to live their lives on their own terms as long as they are a decent, law abiding citizen.
I hope that very soon you will live to see your wedding day.
Gays certainly deserve equal rights in all areas of our society, but it's unfortunate that this battle hinges on the outmoded and harmful institution of marriage. Once gays finally win equality in this area, as I'm sure they will, they should join the rest of us in seeking to abolish the governmental process of marriage, which is merely a make-work program for lawyers, psychiatrists and myriad other counselors. Besides, government has no business in our love lives and certainly has no business telling us who it's OK to live with and have children with. Let's end this madness and get the government's boot off our necks. (But just try telling this to a young woman who has been programmed all her life to think that a wedding is the ultimate symbol of successful adulthood.)
Umm, Gays can't have children. You should take a biology class and learn anatomy. They can adopt and raise children but never ever can a gay male have a child. Now a gay woman can have a child but the child can't be created by another gay woman.
Umm, infertile straights can't have children. They can adopt and raise children but never can an infertile male have a child. Now a straight woman can have a child but the child can't be created by an infertile man. I guess we should ban infertile straights from getting married.
OK, if you want.
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Posted May 15, 2008 | 06:54 AM (EST)