When Will I Be Happy?

"I will be happy when..."

This innocent comment is the very reason that happiness is so elusive for us in the modern world. We think: I will be happy when I have a successful relationship. I will be happy when I find a job. I will be happy when I'm out of this relationship. I'll be happy when I get that job promotion. I will be happy when my kid gets into the right school. The formula is clear: arbitrarily-defined success, then happiness.

Based upon the research in the new book "The Happiness Advantage," that formula -- success then happiness -- is scientifically backward. Over the past several years, I have been researching the relationship between happiness and success, only to discover that the problem is not that we forget to pursue happiness, but that we are pursuing it with the wrong formula.

Think about how some people conceive of relationships: "I am unhappy being single, so I will be happy when I am dating the person of my dreams." I had a friend in high school tell me that he would never be happy until he met his other half. This is exactly the formula of "I will be happy when..." While researching for an online dating website, I found that people who use this formula actually decrease their chances of finding a date. We have found that happiness and positivity are attractive traits. When the person we date is positive, it raises our own happiness, improves our immune system and lengthens our lives. So we are biologically attracted to happiness. Thus, we are turned off by the desperation which often stems from believing that happiness exists on the opposite side of success.

We don't quote Freud much anymore, but he did get one thing right: Freud said we leak information through every pore. Our brains are designed to look past things we control consciously (like what we say) to look at how we unconsciously say it. Negativity, uncertainty and desperation leak out through our non-verbals: our eyes, lines on our face, the tone of our voice, etc. So if a person wants to start dating, the key is to not wait for happiness. The key is to cultivate happiness first, which shines through on first encounters, instead of wallowing in the discontent of delayed happiness, waiting for some arbitrary success point in the future to trigger happiness.

This is true in every aspect of our life. I have worked with some unemployment service providers who wonder whether it is okay to have an article about happiness research in a newsletter about unemployment. Absolutely. If we think, "I will be happy only when I have a job," then we are putting happiness after success, which significantly decreases the chances of that person getting a job. Job interviewers, just like potential relationship partners, are looking for positive people to work with and to create a good environment. We leak optimism or pessimism through every pore.

So how can we pursue happiness right now? When I was counseling overwrought Harvard students, one of the first things I would tell them is to stop equating a future success (dating) with happiness. Dating does not mean you will be happy. If that was true, then everyone in a relationship would be happy. Look around and you'll see enough empirical proof that relationship does not guarantee happiness. The same is true with success. Is everyone with a job happy? Then stop thinking that finding a job, getting a promotion, etc. is the only thing that can bring happiness. Success does not mean happiness. Check out the entertainment section of The Huffington Post to look for examples to disabuse you of thinking that being beautiful, successful or rich will make you happy.

Second, we need to break the belief that our external world (how much money we make, are we in a relationship, what the economy is doing, etc.) is predictive of our happiness. Only 10 percent of our long-term happiness is predicted by the external world; 90 percent of our long-term happiness is thus how our brain processes the external world. This is why we find people at the same job who are positive and love their work, and others see it as drudgery and stress. This is why some people love being single and others cannot stand it. The external world does not predict your happiness, which is a freeing scientific realization about how much control you actually have over your happiness.

Third, happiness is a work ethic. You have to train your brain to be positive, just like you work out your body. Doing one positive habit, like eight minutes of meditation a day, journaling for two minutes about a positive experience (it backfires if you write about negative ones!) or writing a two-minute long positive email to a friend once a day -- all have been found in research over the past decade to significantly increase happiness, whatever your current life circumstances. Training your brain for gratitude is one of the most powerful ways to accomplish this. Gratitude is the recognition that the present can make you happy instead of waiting for a future event. Thus, if you think of three things you are grateful for over the course of 21 days, your level of optimism in life significantly rises.

The other half of the research in "The Happiness Advantage" is the good news: if you reverse the order of the formula, you end up with greater happiness and greater success rates. Happiness is the precursor to greater success. Every single relationship, business and educational outcome improves when the brain is positive. If you cultivate happiness while in the midst of your struggles, work, at school, while unemployed or single, you increase your chances of attaining all the goals you are pursuing, including happiness.

 

 

 

Comments

[Travis Tasset]

04:05 PM on 08/26/2011

"I will be happy when..."

I make the decision to be happy regardless of circumstances.

Even in dire circumstances, an attitude of happiness is still a choice, as show by the work of Viktor Frankl in his book "Man's Search for Meaning":

"We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way."

[sunflower12]

10:18 AM on 08/19/2011

Thank you so much for this article. Gratitude is the key, if only we recognize all the blessings that we have,
from the very basic ones, the blessing of being able to breathe, to walk, to see, to talk.
We all have problems, but happiness is really a choice, otherwise, all the rich people who apparently have all they want would be happy, and that's not the case.
Peace of mind, back to basics, simplify your life, leave time and energy for what is really important.

[HappierWithLess]

09:10 AM on 08/18/2011

What a great article. "Happiness is the precursor to greater success." is so true. Once you are more mindful, in a better state of mind to accept the positive things in life (which are often the smallest things) many good things start to happen. I moved to Costa Rica because I always felt...if I worked harder...if I had a bigger house...I finally realized that I lost all perspectice on my life. CNN.com did and article about me, toward the end I say I could never go back to that old lifestyle, and I truly meant that.
http://edition.cnn.com/2011/TRAVEL/08/11/costa.rica.escape/index.html?iref=allsearch

[caprawalie]

11:54 AM on 08/13/2011

Happiness has been the trademark of religions, the self-help industry, philosophy, charlatans, wizards and even the pharmaceutical industry. Advices and how to's abound and are sometimes expensive and dangerous. Happiness is described as desirable but it's definitions are often at odds with one another and thus has been rife with controversy. However, the quest for happiness being part of what humans are is as diverse as we are diverse. Each person must consider different possibilities and find their own path to either happiness or satisfaction and joy even if momentary and seemingly elusive. As described by the self help industry happiness sounds like a Porshe that only those who can afford it can have but in truth it might be attainable by being true to ourselves.

[William Anderson LMHC]

11:48 AM on 07/24/2011

I was miserable when I was a chronically overweight failure at diets and exercise, and I am much happier having lost that weight and kept it off. It's very hard to be happy when you are obese and sick and suffering because of it. So, I'd take issue with some of what you say. Losing weight opened the door for happiness. However, much of what needs to be learned to lose weight permanently are some of these same things you talk about in adjusting priorities or order of pursuit. I love it when I hear clients thank me for helping them to lose weight but then say "what else I learned is so much more important!" Good article.

William Anderson, LMHC
Author of 'The Anderson Method - Secrets of Permanent Weight Loss'
Blog: http://theandersonmethodblog.wordpress.com/2011/05/18/can-eating-every-two-hours-really-help-me-lose-weight/

[Randy Zeitman]

06:32 PM on 07/23/2011

Wonderful.

[jennielake]

07:03 AM on 07/22/2011

I teach these same principles at my agency to help end domestic violence.

Great post, and I look forward to more in the future.

Thanks Shawn!

[librainstars]

03:57 PM on 07/21/2011

quoted "You have to train your brain to be positive"
I think you can only be happy if you are happy with in.
Happy with your self. Money. ppl. cant do it.
gotta love yourself and be kind to others. As you said think positive

[dil123]

02:52 PM on 07/21/2011

I've always said, "Money doesn't make you happy, but it does get you a great therapist to talk about it." BTW, after many years of therapy, I'm poor and happy.

[ontariogirl]

02:40 PM on 07/22/2011

I'd rather be poor and happy instead of owning lots of material goods.

[PoloGirls]

02:35 PM on 07/21/2011

Try http://www.horseloverlane.com/ the best dating site !

[HelloWerld]

01:23 PM on 07/21/2011

Awesome. Thanks! My idea of a relationship is 2 people who are perfectly content being single and enjoy it, but have to be together, not from loneliness or from need, but because they enjoy spending time together.

[french queen13]

08:12 PM on 07/21/2011

Happy alone and happier together - works for me! :)

[zeedubya]

12:01 PM on 07/21/2011

"Gratitude is the recognition that the present can make you happy instead of waiting for a future event." Great post. Thank you!