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When Life Hands You Lemon: Liz Lemon's Life Lessons for Ladies

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In seven years, 30 Rock's Elizabeth Miervaldis Lemon has shared a lot with us (probably too much). She made us laugh and helped us grow; she taught us that it's "never too late for now" and urged us, John Keating-style, to see the world with fresh eyes. Yes, Lemon, sometimes the buildings of New York City do look like giant robot penises. Always the principled feminist, ("I support women! I'm like a human bra!") Lemon served as a role model for women everywhere. She has lived life on her own dubious terms and now you can too! Here are some Liz Lemon life lessons for women:

On Food
A healthy relationship to unhealthy food is the cornerstone of a woman's self-worth. Proper nutrition is for nerds and Mickey Rourke. Cheesy Blasters are the stuff of champions! Embrace your love of Sabor de Soledad corn chips. Though they're made with bull semen, the false positives they cause on home pregnancy tests are well worth the trade off for shiny, luxurious hair. A lady is not afraid to unhinge her jaw in order to "shotgun" a pizza. She believes that buying up the leftover doughnuts from the corner doughnut place at the end of the night is her way of pushing back against the recession and is not, at all, an indication of her personal failures. Most importantly, heaven hath no fury than the nerf herders who get between a woman and her Teamster sandwich on Sandwich Day.

On Romance
Everyone deserves an Astronaut Mike Dexter of her or his very own. But even a lady-about-town like Liz Lemon admits that dating and relationships can be hard. There are a lot of weirdos out there: people who lie about their age, jerks that are threatened by your success, Republicans. You may reach a point in the romance game where it's not going so well. Sure, you've had some interesting experiences, dating the Subway Hero, getting wooed by an agoraphobic business mogul who's actually using you to stage a break from his house arrest. Yet you still have not found the "not so horrible one." As such, you may feel like throwing in the towel, embracing spinsterhood, buying yourself a trendy fanny pack and getting a cat named Emily Dickinson. Not so fast, says Lemon, romance can be yours for the enjoying (by "enjoying" she means infrequently and always with the lights off), as long as you stick to your list of "Deal Breakers:"

  • If he insults your cheese stew
  • If he tries to convince you to ditch your career and move to Cleveland
  • If he refers to his bicycle as a "foot cycle"
  • If he disses your Star Wars fan fiction
  • If he's more into his pillow than you

And when you do land head-over-sensible shoes in like with that someone special, remember that above all, love means never having to say you're sorry. Truly. Not even when holding a plane of people hostage with a gun pointed to some old geezer's head. It does, however, mean you will most likely break-up with your hot yet unnervingly sensitive airline pilot, Carol Burnett.

On Fashion
Forget what the magazines say, dressing for success is overrated. Liz Lemon dresses for comfort, except in the summer where it might require her to wear sandals without socks. Your style defines you. A newly-laundered hoodie says, "Look out world, I am not going to bother anyone today!" A Princess Leia costume should be a staple of every girl's wardrobe; it's versatile, perfect for weddings and getting out of jury duty.

On Politics and Religion
Liz Lemon teaches tolerance. Everyone deserves to have their voice heard and viewpoint represented. Unless, that is, you are a suspected terrorist (though truthfully, you were making an audition tape for The Amazing Race), a misogynist, a wang, a class-A moron, a member of the Duffy clan or enrolled in clown college. Related: "Never go with a hippy to a second location." Bottom line as Lemon sees it: Stand up for your beliefs, even if they are Star Wars-related. On second thought, make that, especially if they are Star Wars-related.

On Career
A confident, successful woman puts career before sanity. Much like family members, co-workers are people you learn to tolerate and occasionally like, even when they cause your teeth to grey and your hair to ache. The serious career woman, as exemplified by Liz Lemon, takes on fast-paced, challenging work often involving rigid deadlines, pressure-filled situations and the token farting robot. Also, the driven career woman knows that there are no tasks too small or demeaning. From taking work home with her on the weekends to staging a fake Pacific Rim Awards ceremony at 4 a.m. to placate a megalomaniac subordinate, each jaw-grinding humiliation is another notch on her professional belt. Hang in there, career gals, Liz Lemon urges, because all the hard work is bound to pay off. Your success might lead to a book deal, a photo shoot for a fancy magazine, or a seat at the power table with an invitation to get "business drunk."

We will miss your weekly exploits, Liz, but thank you for seven years of wisdom and weirdness; we will treasure your life lessons as if they are part of Oprah's favorite things, like salt water taffy and Calypso music. Lemon OUT!