News about overdoses from molly at last weekend's EDM festival made me think think about my own drug abuse.
It all started back in 2011 when I developed ovarian cysts on my ovaries that were so painful, it was unbearable. One of them even got to the size of an orange, talk about painful, you have no idea. At first, I didn't know what was going on with me, I would have sex and I would have to be rushed to the hospital on several occasions because it became so painful that I had to literally lay in the fetal position.
The first time I went to my doctor, he injected liquid hydrocodone (I believe that's what it was) into my blood stream and immediately I felt the best I've ever felt in my life. I had never done any prescription drugs that strong before so it was like heaven. I instantly became addicted. I even lied to the doctor so that he would give me more and he did. I was in heaven and it felt so damn good to me. After I was discharged from the hospital, the doctor prescribed me with lortabs to ease the pain when I was at home. In the beginning I was only taking them to ease my pain, but I became addicted to the way the pills were making me feel so I would take them every single day, even if I wasn't in pain, and from that day forth, my life took a turn for the worst.
I would make up reasons to go to the hospital just so the doctor could prescribe me with lortabs or hydrocodone. No one knew that I was doing this, until the day I tried to commit suicide by mildly overdosing on seven hydrocodone pills. I locked myself in the bathroom and swallowed all seven of them. I was super depressed that day -- honestly I don't recall why. Hydrocodone is a downer, so I'm positive it had something to do with my mood taking a turn for the worst. Anyway I locked myself in the bathroom and the last thing I remember was my boyfriend banging on the door because I wasn't answering, and the next thing I know I was being taken to the hospital to get my stomach pumped and all kinds of drugs inserted into my blood stream to reverse the overdose. A nurse came in and asked me what happened, I told her, and the next thing I know, I was being shipped to a mental institution.
I had no control over this action. Once you tell a nurse or a doctor that you tried to kill yourself, they have to make sure you won't commit the act again by any means necessary, they don't want to be liable, point blank period. So I was being shipped away to this facility and there was nothing I could do about it. If anyone has ever been to a mental facility, then you know how scary it is. You have no rights, you belong to the state. They make you take all these freaking pills and they put you in population with all kinds of people. Long story short, I got out of there and I vowed never to do drugs again, but I knew that was a lie.
In 2012 the cysts returned and I started going to my new OBGYN and he started prescribing me with hydrocodone unaware that I was badly addicted to them. By this time, I was popping five pills a day to even feel anything. I wasn't the same anymore, I was slacking off, being a bitch to my loved ones, just out of control, but none of you would have ever known this because I kept this within my household. I even had my own mother giving me her pills, she was also unaware that I was addicted to prescription drugs. I was basically using everyone I could to get my hands on them. I probably spent thousands of dollars that year just on drugs alone, then a new drug surfaced, molly.
The first time I did molly was like unlike anything I've ever felt in my entire life. It was like everything moving in slow motion, and you feel like you can take over the world. This would become my new drug of choice, until one night when everything would change. It was Halloween and I was getting dressed to go to a party and one of my ex-homegirls called me and said that she scored on some molly. I told her that I would come over and get some before we went out. I already had taken some while I was doing my makeup, but a little more wouldn't hurt. (The thing abut molly is, you never really know how much to take if it's in its pure form -- some of the deaths associated are due to this.) I went to her house and took some, felt like that wasn't enough and took some more. As I was coming into my house, everything immediately became bright. I mean it literally felt like someone turned the high beams on in my brain. Everything started to slow down, and I really mean slow down. I felt my heart slowing down, I felt my brain melting. I knew I was about to die. I knew this was it, so I started praying.
I walked outside my house banging on random doors asking for help, at this point I can visibly see my life replaying right in front of me. This is no joke, guys, I see everything, from the time I was born, up until that very moment. I don't know how I ended up outside in my parking deck but I did and there was my friend Jacob. I banged on the window and told him, "I had taken too much and that I was dying, get me to a hospital." He looked so angry, even though he wasn't. The last thing I recall was sitting in the back seat of the car, and then darkness. Jacob said my heart had stopped. I was basically in cardiac arrest. While all of this was going on, I saw my grandmother and she said these exact words to me "It's not your time to go, get it together and be a good person to that man" and then I woke up. I swear I can't make this up guys. Thank God Jacob has a medical degree and was able to resuscitate me or I would be dead at this very moment. Next thing I know I woke up from the coma I was in (all of this is going on in the backseat of his car) and said I was fine. And I really was, that was an awakening moment for me to leave the drugs alone for good.
After all of this, I went down to Athens (Georgia) and had a heart to heart with my mother and Jacob. It was so hard for me. The look on my mothers face when I was telling her all of this was truly heartbreaking. She expressed that so many looked up to me, and she was so disappointed. I felt so horrible for using her to support my drug habit without her even knowing, and I also felt bad for taking Jacob through all of that as well. My intention was NEVER to hurt anyone. I didn't know that my drug abuse was hurting my family and loved ones. I was pushing them away without even knowing it and that was so damn selfish of me. I betrayed the trust of the people around me, and I did things that I'm not proud of that still have a lasting effect on my relationships with the people I care about. So for those 20 minutes of getting high, look what I have to deal with today in my relationships -- it wasn't worth it at all.
The reason I wrote this blog exposing myself like this is to teach a lesson to all the young people out there who think it's cool to do drugs. I honestly feel like God took me through that horrible experience so that I can share it with you. I almost lost my life for doing drugs, something I can't reverse. Every day that I think about it, it tears me up because that was probably one of the worst times in my life all together. I know some may judge me, but that's okay. I'm a healed women today. I no longer take any of those drugs and I plan on NEVER doing it again. Don't let others pressure you into doing something stupid, it's not worth it. I REALLY hope someone reading this takes this as a learning experience. There are a lot of people like me dealing with the same thing and don't feel like they can talk about it, so I will do it for them. If you or anyone else is suffering from drug abuse, please go get help before it's too late.
Thank you for reading and supporting my blog and allowing me to be open and honest about my life experiences with you, I really appreciate it. I really believe my calling in life (besides being fabulous -- lol) is to help people, and that's what I intend to do. And if anyone needs someone to talk to in confidence, please don't hesitate to contact me.
Again thank you, and please share any way you can to get the word out!