"Hola Amigo!" The news just came to me through Foxy Grampa News that Dora the Explorer, the intrepid and beloved young South American girl, together with her cousin Diego, and her pet monkey Boots, were arrested in Phoenix yesterday by Sheriff Erich Hugo Spalter. The young girl from south of the border, dressed in her brightly colored fiesta clothes, was rounded up in a raid of an Hispanic neighborhood preparing for Cinco de Mayo festivities, her famous talking backpack confiscated and examined by the FBI. Within it was found a mysterious map which provided evidence of some possible illegal activity coded "Search for the Lost Treasure." Dora carried no documents such as a green card, or even a passport, so it was clear that she had smuggled herself over the border, taking with her the dangerously cheerful Cousin Diego, Boots the possibly rabid talking money, and the mysterious talking backpack and map, which the Sheriff described as "sophisticated electronic devices designed to outwit our border police." Animal rescue was brought into the case, seizing Dora's beloved Boots as a living violation of the law, since he did not come with proper veterinary documentation. The monkey kept crying, "I wouldn't bite anyone but a Sheriff who threatened my Dora" in several languages including Aramaic and Attic Greek.
Cousin Diego was reportedly part of a scuffle with the police as he tried to save Boots and was himself cuffed and posed for a mug-shot after resisting arrest. They are all awaiting bail. You can find this scuffle on YouTube. When I called Sheriff Spalter he told me, "Arizona can be proud of having captured this dangerous trio, together with their talking treasure map, concealed in Dangerous Dora's backpack. Had they not been stopped in time it would surely have led them to the site of secret naval installations in the Arizona desert, or worse, a job picking fruit in a factory farm." So once again America is saved by the quick thinking, fast acting, straight-shooting law of Arizona.
Upon hearing the news, Sarah Palin was quoted as saying, "Saludos Amigos to all my Hispanic friends. I never go brown if I can go rogue but I love a piñata as much as the next gal. And oh, yes, I can also see Mexico from my house." A prominent spokesman for the Tea Party was quoted as saying, "That child was clearly a drug mule sent across the border to corrupt American children with her fetching ways and impertinent cheerfulness. Thank God for Sheriff Spalter."
When the governor and other officials were asked about the outrage of children everywhere over these arrests she insisted that the law made no exemption for "cute looking brown children" in the roundup of the undocumented. Dora lovers fear that this will lead to the deportation of these baby border jumpers, at worst to their incarceration in a juvenile hall, and for Boots, the monkey, an almost certain death sentence. Since the incident was first reported by Fox News sales of Dora's DVD's have skyrocketed as small children everywhere rally to save Dora and her friends. As the grandfather of three young girls who have followed Dora and Diego through their many adventures, I can only plead for mercy for Dora and her friends, and a greater mercy for my America as it starts down the road towards a nativist madness.