My New Year's Resolutions -- For Other People

05/25/2011 12:00 pm ET

There seems to be no point in my making resolutions. I long ago conquered my special demons; smoking cigarettes and blaming myself for not finishing some project or for finishing that piece of pie. Time we all started making resolutions for others. Here are six of mine.

1. For George Bush - Resign. You want to spend more time with your family. Join the great group of "spend more timers" who have fled Washington one step ahead of the sheriff. Laura needs you, as do the twins. Do it! Americans would breathe a collective sigh of relief, and you wouldn't have to wait two more years to leave behind the mess that you created. Be the decider you know you are. The window of opportunity is closing. Get out when there is time. Announce your resignation and watch your ratings in the polls soar skyward. And start collecting funds for your Presidential Library while there are still donors around who aren't in prison.

2. For Nancy Pelosi. Begin impeachment proceedings against Dick Cheney. The man is a living, breathing grounds for impeachment. He was born to be impeached. While in the cradle his mother sang to him that lovely old standard, "My Sweet Impeachable You." Just being Dick Cheney should do it. If you don't want to touch the Halliburton connection with its war profiteering, the Enron scandal and the corrupt energy policy he watched over, just impeach him for being himself; a snarling, vicious, fraudulent disgrace to his country and to the office he holds.

3. For Condi Rice. Stop using the word "robust" to describe our foreign policy and our execution of the Iraq war. This was once an excellent word when used to describe a full flavored red wine, a full figured woman, a beef stew, or a fat boy we didn't want to insult. Try healthy, vigorous, hearty, strong, tough, forceful, or just plain stout. For simplicity's sake call it a fat foreign policy, although that might lead to fat-headed, which is, I believe, the proper description of what you and your cohorts at the State Department have accomplished. Respect the language, which means, start respecting the truth which would be a first in the Bush administration.

4. For Mel Gibson, Michael Richards, and others in our great American circus of shame, just bite your tongue, or, as we used to say in grammar school, 'Shut up already!" Do what you must; make your films, make your money, make your funny, but enough with the racial, sexual and religious insults. We don't want to hear you obscenities, your bigotries, or your excuses. Being a drunk or a comic doesn't cut it anymore. W.C. Fields managed to be both, and to be funny, but then he only muttered his abuse at small children, who have always been a resilient species.

5. For Hillary and Obama. Be real. Say something! Anything that makes us believe that you can speak to the problems facing this country and the world, not in high flown generalities but in the specifics that an Al Gore commands. If either of you gets the Democratic nomination, you will be up against a McCain or a Giuliani, both of whom are lurching dangerously to the right to gain their party's nomination, and will say or do anything to win the election. Both are self-absorbed, power hungry, hypocritical men who do not have the answers to the problems we face today. Show us that you do. And soon.

6. For our fellow Americans. Courage and laughter. We will all need that in the days ahead. See you in '07. Happy New Year.