Toys 'R Them

I've just gone through my hall closet searching for those toys that might endanger the health of my two year old grand-daughter, you know, those brightly colored wood and plastic dolls, games, and trucks; the lead painted ones from China that Mattel has just recalled. Gone are Dora the Explorer and her lively friends, all thanks to the Republican obsession which deregulation that has introduced such toxic playthings into our unwitting homes. This is the same obsession with letting market forces regulate products - that Republican mantra that has forced my wife and I to buy fresh food for our cat since most pet-food was placed on the "China is poisoning us list." Well friends, if China is poisoning us, it is Republican Washington that has mixed the noxious brew of anti-government slogans that reveal this administration's indifference to the health of its citizens, not to mention cats and dogs, and has allowed these untested products into our country and lives. We can just imagine the nincompoops in charge of what is left of regulation and setting standards.

I suppose it started with the Reagan deregulation of the airlines years ago - leading to my being stuck for two and a half hours last week on a runway awaiting takeoff to Chicago. And I considered myself lucky that it was only that. Sadly, it's workers such as the coal miners who have met a terrible end thanks to all those deregulating "Brownies" - the servants of industry rather than ordinary Americans that Mr. Bush has put in charge of our country.

I am about to introduce a new line of Republican toys on this blog. I think that this crop of candidates should all have toys made in their images -using all the shiny lead paint in China for this purpose. We can't ask an ally like China to waste its resources. I list a few to be sold at "Toys 'R Them" - an adult toy shop for our conservative brethren.

The Rudy Giuliani figure. This one comes with or without a combover. You pull a string in its back and he repeats, "I am the hero of 9-11. I alone can protect you from terrorism. Watch out for dem Dems." Be sure to keep this toy away from all of New York's finest - our firemen and policemen who know that statement as the big lie it is. The Mayor who placed the coordination of emergency services inside the World Trade Center years after an attempt on that building had been made - the Mayor who failed to provide emergency workers with working communication systems, the Mayor who assured the workers that their health would be okay, this is the true toxic hero of 9/11. This action figure must be sold alone, since its own family wants to steer clear of him. However, you can place him near a Barbie lookalike - the charming Judi doll who will answer any question you ask, with "I'm new to all this so be kind to me" as long as it doesn't deal with the number of ex-husbands she has. Not nice, I know. But dear reader, neither is he. This bully candidate longs to have the bully pulpit to himself. God save America if he does.

The Mitt Romney figure. This one comes surrounded by stalwart sons, all made of the same shiny civilian plastic. This is a family of great teeth and if good dentistry qualified one for the Presidency, this guy has the chops for it. This is the best candidate that Republican money can by. A brilliant businessman who would run the country efficiently - like a Shanghai sweatshop. "I will turn the whole country into the Olympics through my superior organizational skills." Yeah, with him in charge it's one Olympic that we all all lose. Years ago they asked this question about a dubious candidate, "Would you buy a used car from this man?" With Romney it's "Would you buy a new car from this fellow?" because his would be the Rolls Royce dealership for the super-rich Presidency - a dismal continuation of the Bush years, but with the passing of time, every decision made by such a man would mean even greater suffering for most Americans. Now, I am in favor of flip-floppers - I think changing one's mind is often a sign of character and always a sign of intelligence - but in the Romney figure there has to be two different voices going on at once as you pull his string. "I was pro-choice in Massachusetts but I'm anti-abortion in Iowa." And best of all, I come with a complete set of different answers for every situation I find myself in."

The John McCain G.I. Joe doll. This was once an excellent toy as far as Republican toys go, but somehow it has been chipped and battered in its battle for the Republican nomination, and can only sputter cliches, having lost its famed capacity for speaking the truth. One is more likely to find it in a thrift shop than in FAO Schwartz. A very sad toy indeed, and difficult to understand its garbled rhetoric when you pull his string.

Fred Thompson - the actor toy. Since Ronnie, actors are given great credibility by the Republican party, they know how to win, to sell junk (I don't use profanity on this blog) and make it seem like sunshine. The hope for the Thompson toy is that he will come across as the wise, crotchety, and decent fellow he appears to be on "Law and Order." Come on America, it's called acting, just acting, trust me on this. If that's what we need to lead us, we might as well elect Robert DiNiro or Alex Baldwin, both better actors. The America I grew up in never confused Andy Hardy's father the Judge with a member of the Supreme Court, or Walter Huston with FDR. Yeah, this Thompson guy had a very short and undistinguished career in government so he's done more than act - and done it poorly - but what the right wing likes most about him is not just his Neanderthal conservative views - but his TV fame. I can't believe this country will ever buy this toy - even for $19.99 on the QVC network, together with a set of dustmops and pin up battery lights.

I could go through the list of Republican candidates, but I'm getting tired of this game and so are you by now. Alas, these candidates are not toys but flesh and blood men who want to be President for the sheer joy that great power brings, not because they have a special vision for our beleaguered country. With any luck they will be left on the shelf unsold. Or better yet recalled.