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If Rappers Were Copywriters

Posted: 12/03/2013 7:28 pm

Rick Ross1203
Owen Sweeney/Invision/AP

If Rappers Were Copywriters... more documents would be written with bullets.

"I imagine I'm an emcee all of the time, but I don't rap 'cause my life don't rhyme. If rappers drafted advertising phonics, even print ads would bump superior sonics." -Some copywriter


COPYWRITER -- BIGGIE SMALLS

CLIENT -- NINTENDO

COPY:

Super Nintendo, Sega Genesis.

When I was dead broke, man, I couldn't picture this.

FEEDBACK:

Don't know if you perused the company values guide we included in your packet, but Super Nintendo Entertainment Systems are quite affordable, and we'd like you to underline that. You've made it sound as if only wealthy people can play Super Mario Kart or NBA Jam. This is dangerous misdirection. Also: please do not mention Sega. They're our biggest competitor. We don't see any reason to put their name in people's ears.

$

COPYWRITER -- PHIFE DAWG

CLIENT -- DR. PEPPER

COPY:

I never half step, 'cause I'm not a half stepper.

Drink a lot of soda so they call me Dr. Pepper.

FEEDBACK:

Although we love the direction you've chosen to go, Phife, we found the phrasing of this copy to be confusing. Are you solely drinking Dr. Pepper, or are you drinking other sodas, too? On the next draft, please specify that you only consume Dr. Pepper, just so there's no doubt in the minds of our customers. Maybe try:

I never half step, 'cause I'm not a half stepper.

Drink a lot of Dr. Pepper so they call me smart and edgy.

$

COPYWRITER -- RICK ROSS

CLIENT -- APPLE

COPY:

I'm smoking dope, I'm on my cell phone.

I'm selling dope, straight off the iPhone.

FEEDBACK:

Are you saying that you're actually selling drugs using your iPhone? Whether you're speaking literally or metaphorically, this activity is not a use case we discussed in our preliminary meetings. We ran it by Marketing and they love your energy, but insist the copy is way off brand. We understand you didn't attend the brand voice webinar because your wifi signal isn't reliable by your rooftop pool, but we were hoping you would take time to go over the meeting notes. If you had, you would've found that we only feature use cases that represent the majority of our customers' experiences. Selling narcotics does not currently qualify in markets outside Oakland, Baltimore, and Oklahoma City.

$

COPYWRITER -- KENDRIK LAMAR

CLIENT -- MERCEDES BENZ

COPY:

Girl, I'm Kendrick Lamar,

A.K.A. Benz-Is-to-Me-Just-a-Car.

FEEDBACK:

If you refer back to the creative brief, you'll see that we view every Mercedes Benz as more than just a car. It's a marker of status, an escape from the ordinary, the pinnacle of engineering, and a beacon of excellence. Simply put, our cars represent a better way of life. Please change the copy to reflect this. Our A/B testing suggests that the following copy would resonate more deeply with our target demographic.

Girl, I'm Kendrik Lamar,

A.K.A. Benz-Is-to-Me-Just-an-Exquisite-Automobile.

$

COPYWRITER: GUCCI MANE

CLIENT: GENERAL MILLS

COPY:

I count a hundred grand, then I ate some cereal.

Then stuffed a half a brickie in a box of Cheerios.

FEEDBACK:

Copy isn't quite there yet. This draft is glib and insinuates that we don't fill our cereal boxes with enough Cheerios. And if you're going to hide something of value, why would you do it inside everyone's favorite breakfast cereal? Whatever you hid would be discovered by the following morning. Makes no sense.

$

COPYWRITER: LIL WAYNE

CLIENT: RALPH LAUREN CORPORATION

COPY:

Only fuck with real niggas. Polo, fuck that Hilfiger.

Yeah I'm on a pill, nigga. Feed you to my lil niggas.

FEEDBACK:

Though we did say we want copy that pushes the envelope, this may be pushing it right off the table. You'll notice that the list of pre-approved profanity we provided includes "fuck" and excludes "nigga." We strongly feel that "nigga" is not a Polo word. Please substitute. We've come up with some alternatives that align better with Polo's positioning: friend, compadre, brother, acquaintance, fellow, flatmate. Lastly, Diana wants to know if there's a way we can work in "Sign up for our email blast and be the first to know about new arrivals, special offers, and exclusive events."

$

COPYWRITER: DANNY BROWN

CLIENT: DORITOS

COPY:

And still fucking with them freak hoes.

Stank pussy smelling like Cool Ranch Doritos.

FEEDBACK:

Danny, we're pulling you from the project. Please see Andrew Hicks in HR.

$

Simon Goetz is a copywriter. Check him out at simongoetz.com

 

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