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InfidelityChat's Comments

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Dan Savage: Cheating 'Can Save A Marriage' (VIDEO)

Dan Savage: Cheating 'Can Save A Marriage' (VIDEO)

Commented Jun 1, 2013 at 11:39:50 in Divorce

“RS1981 could have been the worst wife in the world but that does not justify her husband having an affair. If someone is unhappy with their relationship they have the option to simply leave.

Affairs are often not about the spouse - they are a steam vent on the cheater's own issues.

Anger is a legitimate response to a partner's choice to have an affair.”
Dan Savage: Cheating 'Can Save A Marriage' (VIDEO)

Dan Savage: Cheating 'Can Save A Marriage' (VIDEO)

Commented Jun 1, 2013 at 11:30:12 in Divorce

“For those who assert that they are exploring how to be a better spouse/partner by their affair, or who believe they are a good partner/spouse while being unfaithful in a monogamous relationship, they are selling a line to both themselves, and others. It is nothing more than moral licensing.

People choose to have affairs not because they think they will save the marriage/relationship, but because they don’t care if an affair destroys it.

Infidelity does not save marriages. Affairs do not make relationships stronger. The people who work to improve, change or augment their relationships make relationships stronger.”
The Morality of Infidelity

The Morality of Infidelity

Commented Jul 4, 2013 at 10:05:28 in Divorce

“Yes, many marriages are entered into with promises of monogamy, though some are not. However, infidelity (cheating) is not solely a marital issue because it can hit any monogamous relationship - it does not have to be a marital one.

The question is why people enter into a monogamous relationship at all if they don't wish to be (or intend to be) monogamous? Why make a promise of fidelity (often for life) if you don't believe in monogamy, or don't believe that you are capable of it?

Cheaters typically live a unilaterally non-monogamous relationship style (where they
have multiple sexual partners but their primary partner does not). If that is the relationship style someone desires, it is not unreasonable to expect them to
have the integrity to find a partner who fully agrees to that arrangement at the beginning of the relationship. If the
available pool of consenting partners is somewhat narrowed as a result,
that's simply the downside of someone's life choices.”
The Morality of Infidelity

The Morality of Infidelity

Commented Jul 3, 2013 at 08:36:17 in Divorce

“Monogamy is a personal choice, regardless of religious affiliation (or lack of it). This is evidenced by those who declare themselves as part of a religion that promotes monogamy and yet are not monogamous. It is evidenced by the number of those who declare themselves atheists and choose monogamy.

It's simple: If you agreed to a monogamous relationship and change your mind, exit the relationship and find one aligned with your position on non-monogamy.

The point is not whether you subscribe to a religious tenet. The point is that in conducting a secret affair, you remove the ability for the faithful partner to act in response to the cheater's choices.

A stance against cheating is NOT the same as a stance against non-monogamy. I personally support non-monogamous choices, where both adults agree and accept the terms of the relationship at its inception.”

SheilaKhani on Jul 3, 2013 at 12:08:04

“I agree. Though monogamy is expected in marriage, hence the term cheating”
The Morality of Infidelity

The Morality of Infidelity

Commented Jun 28, 2013 at 09:07:15 in Divorce

“People lie about cheating because they don't want to risk losing their primary relationship while they indulge in another.

People lie about cheating because they are not prepared to accept the consequences of saying, "I do not intend to remain monogamous in this relationship, but I still want to continue in this relationship with you." (It's worth noting that most cheaters aren't seeking to negotiate an open relationship where both partners are free to indulge, but instead continue to expect fidelity from their partner.)

The social acceptability of cheating is not relevant. What is relevant is if the faithful partner finds cheating unacceptable. When cheating is conducted in secret, it removes the ability of the faithful partner to make informed choices about their future in light of the new "terms" of the relationship.

I see no moral distinction between conducting a secret affair to hornswoggle someone into staying in a unilaterally non-monogamous relationship (by a cheater pretending commitment and shared values on monogamy) and slipping someone a roofie. In both situations it removes someone's ability to make their own informed choices.

Infidelity denies someone their prerogative to be informed of, consent to, or veto, changes in their relationship. It withholds information on which they might base a decision to exit the relationship.

The "good" that honesty does is in permitting the faithful partner the freedom and ability to make their own choice based in reality, instead of robbing them of it by omissions, minimizations, or outright lies.”

Datdamwuf on Jun 30, 2013 at 10:41:55

“You stated this so well.”

SheilaKhani on Jun 28, 2013 at 10:51:04

“100% monogamy or absolution is a religious belief. Maybe is hard to accept for some that a lifetime of monogamy has proven to be a failure for most people. Marital ideologies need to evolve just like everything else.”