“Excellent article! This is clearly a gender issue and until we as a civilization treat it as such, things will not change. Good men and women need to stand together to make the necessary changes. The problem is not guns or mental health or video games. How many mentally ill women are going on shooting rampages? It is a male attitude of entitlement and superiority that is the cause of the violence. It's sad that we think we are such an evolved society and yet we are not.”
“Just because others used drugs - doesn't make it right or less of an offense. Forgiveness does not mean you have lunch with the person who harmed you or let them back into your life. Forgiveness means letting go of the anger for yourself so that it does not poison you - accountablity still needs to be required of the person committing the harmful act. Lance seemed to feel above the law, without remorse for his actions - that attitude of superiority and entitlement does not change overnight - it takes a long time and lots of motivated effort. Actions speak louder than words - let's see Lance's actions going forward. That will be the test of his sincerity. His actions so far have been overwhelmingly dishonest and mean. It's not only that he took drugs and lied, but that he accused his accusers and was viscious in his attacks on them. He has a lot of work to do to repair his image and be trusted again - and rightly so.”
Morgan Guyton on Jan 19, 2013 at 20:43:28
“Sure. Of course my main point is not so much whether we're supposed to forgive the guy or not, but simply that his story is an illustration of our desperate need as humans for a safe place in which to confess our sins so that we don't go on stringing lie after lie together because there's no possibility for forgiveness.”
Cassandra45 on Jan 19, 2013 at 15:52:36
“Well said, and fanned. If he had admitted it at the time, it would have gone a lot further with me, but he continued to lie for years and, as you say, attacked the accusers. If no one ever believes him again and questions everything he said or did in the past and or does in the future, he has no one to thank but himself.”
“This is exactly what we should be talking about! Bravo!!”
aethon007 on Dec 20, 2012 at 16:59:10
“Love the sarcasm! Forget accessibility to weapons that murder at high rates, mothers' paranoia and accumulation of guns as well as her training mentally ill sons to shoot. The problem must be something which is actually much less than it ever was in American history - masculinity. LOL”
“You can find studies anywhere to support whatever position you want to take. That doesn't mean it is the truth. If most people pay on-time then why is the county child support office in my area over-whelmed and over-worked with these cases? I went through the same situation as the author. Yes, most women do initiate divorce, but it is because they are treated terribly - read the book "Hating Women". And yes, they are happier alone and would rather stay that way, than put up with the disrespectful, caveman-like behavior of most men. We live in a patriarchal society and men are brought up (in most cases) to feel superior to women. I would suggest reading "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and other books by Patricia Evans. I would also suggest looking at the website "StopFamilyViolence.com". Women are not respected for the important contribution they bring - there is male domination - hence all of the violence, greed, corruption in government and corruption in religion, etc. Read "Half the Sky" for another look at how women are more likely than men to do what's best for their families. I'm not saying there aren't good men out there - there are, but not enough. New movements of conscious men gathering together to change this scenario and support women are starting to form - but we have a long way to go. We have to stop burying our heads in the sand and wake up to what is really going on.”
715W on Jan 18, 2012 at 18:06:51
“Bad marriages are almost always a two-way street.
Women are equally abusive as men.
But less than 5 percent of divorce cases involve actual abuse.
What is really going on?
In the other more than 95 percent of divorce cases, the motivation for divorce filing is more likely selfishness/greed and immaturity on the part of the divorce-initiating spouse.
There is no abuse.
In some if not many of those cases, the divorce-initiating spouse does not want to appear as shallow and irresponsible/selfish and so may make false accusations of abuse against the other spouse to try to save face.
The false accusations of "abuse" dramatizes things also for those who like drama in their lives.
But the falsity and attempts at face-saving are destructive and harmful, especially to children of the divorcing household.
If you married someone that you no longer like or want to set up house with someone else, go for it.
But don't blame your spouse for it. You were very likely no prize to have been married to either.
And this nonsense about the standard of "good man" -- explain what that means?
Explain what is a "good woman", while you are at it?”
Sharon Zarozny on Jan 18, 2012 at 14:58:35
“I feel synergy.. We need to met one day over a cup of coffee. Take Care-- Sharon”
CreateAnAccount on Jan 17, 2012 at 14:40:28
“"...disrespectful, caveman-like behavior of most men." Most men? Project much?”
Zalkreb on Jan 14, 2012 at 11:11:12
“It's true that not all scientific studies reach the same conclusions. It is not true that you can find a study published in a peer-reviewed scholarly journal that supports whatever position you want to take.
The weight of scientific evidence, as described in many studies published in many juried publications over many years finds that, for the most part, divorce is driven by women pursuing emotional fulfillment. Abuse, infidelity and similar serious breaches of the marital compact figure in a minority of cases.
If you doubt this, go to Google Scholar, type "reasons for divorce" into the search box and spend five or 10 minutes reading some of the one-paragraph abstracts of the scholarly research studies.
Science is not necessarily truth, but it is more reliable than a book like "Hating Women," which appears to consist of little more than the author's personal opinion unsupported by any rigorous observation or analysis.
As far as supporting women, there is a federal office of violence against women with a half-billion dollar a year budget devoted to solving a problem that claimed, in 2010, the lives of 603 American women killed by husbands. This is one example of many similar programs, including the federal office of child support enforcement that oversees the transfer of tens of billions of dollars from fathers to mothers each year.”
“Your welcome - it makes me sick to my stomach to know that innocent people are suffering in jail when it is apparent that they are indeed innocent. I feel for them and their families.”
IamYourDrillThrall on Sep 18, 2011 at 11:09:01
“If you have the resources, then you can hope for justice. If not, you are at the mercy of overly ambitious prosecutors and LEOs. My attorney once told me the sad fact: Justice is gone. DA's don't care about the truth. They care about their conviction records; about protecting their careers, salaries, and wealthy.
“On the other side of things, I can understand the need to get someone who is very dangerous off of the streets. However, careful research should be done to ensure that the evidence used in the arrest is valid. I also understand that Cops and DAs are overworked, yet that is no excuse. Integrity and truth must be valued above all else.”
“Interesting and tragic that it takes so little time to convict someone and such a LONG time to exonerate them. Our legal system is so broken. Conviction has so much power and speed behind it, yet the quest for proving someone's innocence is blocked and delayed when it should be given immediate priority. The righting of a wrong should be first and foremost,but that would require someone (prosecutors, police, etc) taking responsiblity and be willing to admit they made a mistake. Not a common occurence.”
HelloFunnyWorld on Sep 17, 2011 at 22:43:10
Very very good points made here.
Hope some one with enough authority will see it!”
lainey on Sep 17, 2011 at 22:04:13
“Great and sad insight. Thank you for sharing.”
chemistrydoc on Sep 17, 2011 at 21:58:40
“That's because our country allows arrest with a very minimum of evidence. Once a defendant is arrested, no meaningful investigation is done, no alternative theories are explored. Cops/DAs are overworked and pressured to make quick work of such cases. Often, though, they are prejudiced egomaniacs with an ax to grind.”
“Bravo - well said. We do need good, caring, compassionate, men who are secure in their masculinity to stand up and support women and teach their sons to do the same - to regard women as equally important and worthy of respect and admiration. That we, as women (the feminine), carry a necessary and imperative balance to our society.
To stand by and remain neutral is the same thing as siding with an abuser or bully. There is no neutrality. Affairs, emotional abuse, verbal threats, put-downs and financial control are all forms of abuse. In fact, these assaults are actually worse than physical abuse even though the scars and bruises are not visible. They are attacks to the heart and soul of a woman - undermining her sense of self. To stand with women against all forms of abuse is to stand up for the new direction our society needs to envision and attain sooner rather than later.”
edtastic on May 28, 2011 at 13:08:49
“How about standing with men who are victims of the same kind of abuse from women. What you think that does not happen? Perhaps you are too secure in your feminized masculinity to acknowledge men are often emotionally , financially, verbal threats, put-downs, affairs, and for women legal abuse is also quite popular.”
“You are right on here. I was married to one of these entitled men - he felt he had the right to abuse me and our children and we should just worship the ground he walked on. Entitled and above everyday people and regular consequences is an understatement. When we first separated, he played nice with subtle threats to get me back. When I filed for divorce and he saw that I was serious, the gloves came off. A couple years of a nightmare is putting it mildly - I have had 8 years of hell. He has been able to to destroy me financially - putting the blame on me. Hopefully, because Maria has more financial means, she will be ok.”
“I have experienced it and know exactly what goes on. I stand behind my statements. I was not addressing 2 income families, I was addressing one income families where the couple chose for one parent to stay home and care for their children. Stay-at-home parents work harder than any regular job out there and it's 24/7 no breaks, no days off, no leaving your work at the office - there's nothing "trophy" about it. Honestly losing a job is one thing, purposely refusing to work or losing a job in order to not pay child support for one's children is another - and plenty of that goes on. It's despicable. When a custodial parent doesn't get paid, they have to worry about paying the bills on time, buying groceries, etc. and watching their children suffer the consequences.”
Jody60 on Apr 20, 2011 at 16:15:25
“**Stay at home parents *DON"T* work harder than *parents that do both*. You are deluding yourself to justify your position. So don't try and blow smoke. I have done both. I have 4 children that are stair-stepped so I wasn't able to sleep 4 hours in a row for 10 years. But none of this is the point. Like it or not outside effects of the economy affect all of us and there needs to be some flexibilty/legal remedies that have a basis in reality. Every time the divorced couple fights, someone else gets the money, as in "not the kids". And you are right, there are some who intentionally take lower paying jobs. But that brings us back to the system. "Why do men intentionally take lower paying jobs?" To escape the draconian system, because they know how hard it is to lower payments in the future should anything happen to their jobs. What you are saying is the solution is the same as what I am saying is the cause. What if there was no family court and no child support, wouldn't you have to stop fighting and work a deal for the real best interest of the kids? If everything was perfect, none of us would be divorced. Once your are an adult, no one owes you a living. You wanted equal rights, well "POOF" you got them.”
“I guess I'm one of the women who just doesn't "get it". In the case of a stay-at-home mom who gives up her career to care for her children, I believe that she is entitled to part of the finances she helped create. She enabled the breadwinner to further his career in a way he never would have been able to do if he had to care for children. The "go get a job" phrase is not only an attack on women who have been primary care-givers labeling them as invaluable unless they work outside the home, it is an attack on children who are gaining from having a stay-at-home parent. Some countries pay a stipend to women who stay at home and care for their children. Unfortunately, our society does not value parenting, which is not about "eating bon bons", etc., but one of the hardest jobs requiring more skills than you could ever imagine. We are raising the future generation of this world - our next leaders. Children should not have to lose a stay-at-home parent after divorce if the budget allows. God knows they are losing enough already. A stay-at-home parent is a stabilizing force amidst the chaos of divorce. The "eating bon bons and watching TV" comparison is a complete insult and unfortunately used to minimize the importance and difficulty of being a stay-at-home parent.”
Jody60 on Apr 19, 2011 at 11:04:33
“That argument only works prior to women entering the work force. The reality of life, unless your title is trophy wife, is that it takes 2 incomes for alot of families to survive. The family court system is very broken and unless you've experienced it (it's soooo much better than fiction), you don't realize what really goes on. If the parents aren't whole, I promise you, the children won't be either and this system profits from creating animousity between the parents. The PR campaign is very persuasive, but the reality is quite different. When the custodial parent loses a job, they don't have to worry about being losing their drivers license and being imprisoned during a financial crisis, non-custodial parents who up until then have paid and who don't have any criminal history face jail until they can pay. But they can't pay because they are in jail. Catch 22. And in this economy, more and more will be facing this trauma. Can someone please tell ME the benefit of a child seeing their parent hand-cuffed and taken to jail because they lost their job? I just can't wait to hear all of the justifications.”
hp blogger Lee Block on Apr 13, 2011 at 17:04:23
“Having been a stay at home parent before my divorce, it is actually not. If you have been around this site or any other, you will find that most of the arguments surround the fact that the mother can stay home and live off the hard work of the father, as if taking care of children is not enough work already. You see, the person paying the support seems to think that the person receiving it is not only benefiting by living off it, but benefiting by not going to work and doing nothing but "eating bon bons and watching TV". I am stating simply that the person receiving the support needs to use it for their children and not themselves. If they choose to stay home, and can afford it, great, if not, then they need to get a job. I do not believe it is the non custodial parents responsibility to financially care for an ex wife...not even with alimony. They are no longer married, the financial commitment ends with marriage.”
Ed Baker on Apr 13, 2011 at 13:51:14
“I managed to work full time - and have full custody of my kid..... and did well in my career....
But then - I'm a male and we don't get money for complaining. :)
If she didn't work - she didn't create any wealth....”
“I believe the family court system is full of corruption and a haven for bullies. In my experience, I have found little moral compass. It seems that lawyers are interested in making money and referring business to parenting consultants, parenting coaches and therapists in their network who also want to make money. There is an indifference to the destruction, pain and suffering they may cause others, especially children on behalf of their client. Once you can no longer afford to pay them, they all desert you. I am wondering where is the humanitarianism? How about turning down a vicious client because it is the right thing to do - or taking a pro bono case for a mother in need because it is the right thing to do. These bullies would be shut down. How about judges turning down a motion request from someone that has been using the court system to bully before it takes the other party thousands of dollars to prove that the motion is it ridiculous and unfounded. Of course, making changes like this would change the way that money is made and I'm not sure the legal community wants that to happen.”
“You are right on. I was married to a dental professional who used the court system to bury me financially. Last year, I lost the home I purchased after the divorce and had to file for bankruptcy. My 3 children and I are living with a relative in a very small space right now. My daughter and I share a room and my boys are sleeping in the living room. I went from living in a million dollar home to this.
I spent over $80,000 on attorneys, parenting consultants, parenting coaches and therapists - all ordered through the court system. The family court system is not regulated and it is all intertwined - attorneys recommending therapists - therapists recommending attorneys, etc. Once you are forced in, it is hard to get out.
My ex was able to turn the wealthy community we lived in against me. My family did not support me. I lost any friends we had as they were mostly his friends and sided against me. I was shining a light on something people just didn't want to see. It was hard for them to believe that a professional man could be abusive. I had done a great job of making him look good - cooking, decorating, raising the kids. I didn't have any outer bruises, but there were plenty of bruises to my heart and soul. He abused our children as well and used them to get to me. Fortunately, I was eventually able to get complete”
Sharon Zarozny on Mar 21, 2011 at 20:10:49
“It's heartbreaking how abusers, masters at control, can manipulate everything against you. Please tell me more of your story (firstname.lastname@example.org) as I fear we have a lot in common. Thanks for commenting.”