“Thanks for reading and for your response. Good for that school for knowing that the once & done fix for bullying is not good enough and that our kids deserve more consistent efforts. I wish all schools used this "tune up" model.”
“Thank you for this feedback--I am so glad that the distinctions were helpful to you and even more thrilled to hear that you'll share them with students. This knowledge gives kids important direction on the skills to use to manage the varying types/degrees of conflict that they face.”
“Thanks for asking. Again, there is no one-age-fits-all standard I could recommend without knowing the individuals...but I would caution parents that the internet can be a very perilous place for kids of most ages and that being able to support kids and monitor their online activity can be a valuable bit of oversight well into the teen years. As kids demonstrate maturity, responsibility, trustworthiness, and a consistent use of values and good judgment online, the monitoring can gradually wane. This is not about being a police state but rather about teaching kids ways to behave respectfully and safeguard themselves online.”
Moonie-chan on Oct 4, 2012 at 21:06:51
“The trouble with things like this is that you can actually get in legal trouble for violating your children's privacy. My father would not cooperate with my mother in parenting me when it came to using the computer and going online (or any other time, really, but I digress). My mother, tech-illiterate as she is, tried to get help with monitoring my use of the PC and internet through a third party, and the police threatened to arrest her for violating my privacy if she didn't cease and desist. I was 14 years old. I'm 25 now, and while I'm sure I wouldn't have liked it at the time, I have had enough awful experiences and contacts online that I wish my mother had been allowed to do more. As much as I'm all for protecting children, what kind of society are we living in if parents aren't allowed to do anything? What good is it if parents live in fear of their own children calling Child Protective Services on them for simply disciplining them? Just my two cents.”
Helgardh on Oct 4, 2012 at 20:42:39
I never had that.
I had my first computer (before which I never spent really any time online) when I was around 14-15 (about 10 years ago), my parents encouraged me to password protect the login, and I never shared my email, gaming passwords with them, so I don't think they ever checked up on it.
Yeah I did some dumb stuff, the worst was probably a columbia house lock in (though I did end up getting a lot of movies I liked for about 50% what I would have paid for them), but it was still pretty educational to be allowed to explore on my own.”
“You can get the neighborhood kids to bring their wading pools and use them as different stations. You can park the dogs along a wall while they wait for their turn. As children like to try on various jobs, you should rotate the kids to different stations after one dog has finished a full cycle. You could borrow a peticure device so the kids can practice dog nail care without hurting the dog.They can swab the dog's nails and massage their feet with mineral oil. If you plan out an assembly line, it will run smoothly as clockwork. You can also set up a check out table where the dog's owner gets a little bag of treats before going home and a photo station where the kids make a photo frame from painted dog biscuits after all the dog's are washed.. You can use your husbands work shirt, tie and suit to dress up the dog or use an your old dress to dress the dog up before taking the picture. Keep the line moving and the kids engaged for an hour or so. They'll love it! Don't forget some fun doggy like snack for the kids for an job well done. I wish i were there to help!”
“Hi Rebecca--I am a fellow McDonogh grad ('91) and HuffPost writer...not quite a teacher of teachers, but a trainer of trainers for those in the mental health field. Just wanted to drop you a note to concur with your post; for me, Mr. McKibbin was the teacher who inspired me the way Mr. Seigman did you. And like you, despite an Ivy League colleague experience and graduate school after that, I never worked as hard or learned as much as I did during my 7 years at McDonogh.”
getmetocollege on May 10, 2012 at 20:37:58
“I never had Mr. McKibbin but like you I felt inspired by my high school education.”
“LOVE IT! Thanks for your comment. This is exactly what my book, Friendship & Other Weapons, is all about: teaching young girls skills to cope with bullying. I always encourage adults to use bullying experiences as learning opportunities for kids. Fortifying kids with skills to manage bullying is key...but bullying is such that kids also need the support of more powerful adults to help them through situations in which their own skills are not enough.”
“Hate it when typos change the entire meaning of a sentence...I meant, teach your kids that reaching out to an adult IS a bold, powerful move :)
Also, the other thing I tell kids is not to wait before they reach out to a trustworthy adult. The longer a bully has power over a victim, the stronger the hold becomes. Oftentimes, bullying begins in a relatively mild form—name calling, teasing, or minor physical aggression. After the bully has tested the waters and confirmed that a victim is not going to fight back, the aggression worsens. Name calling becomes public humiliation. Teasing grows into group ostracism. Pushing and shoving escalates to punches and assault.
Taking action against the bully—and taking it sooner rather than later—is the best way for kids to reclaim some of their power.”
Wendy Jacquelyn Finch on Mar 30, 2012 at 01:48:47
“My 13 y.o. son was bullied today by three boys holding him and hitting him. It was witnessed by other boys in the unsupervised locker room. My son told me after school. He doesn't want to return to school. I am behind him 100%. This is the second time this has happened. The first time my son defended himself by pushing the two boys off of him (he's much smaller) the counselor said she couldn't discipline the boys because of his defensive pushing. So this time he didn't fight back per the counselors instructions. What do I do if nothing is done? I want these boys removed from school. Can I go to the police with this? What about the school board? All I know is my child is hurting and I want a pound of flesh.”
“Your question is great--very real for many kids! Here is what I tell kids who fear reaching out to an adult when they are facing bullying. In a nutshell: Don't go it alone!
If a bully’s strategy is to make a victim feel alone and powerless, the best counter-strategy for the victim is to reclaim power by ending the isolation. Encourage your child to tell an adult when he is being bullied and to enlist that adult’s support.
Sometimes kids feel like adults never do anything—so why even bother to tell them? While there are cases when adults fail to acknowledge the seriousness of a situation, it is more often the case that grown-ups are not aware of what is going on. Make sure your child knows that it is his job to create awareness. Be clear in teaching him that telling an adult about bullying is not a bold, powerful move.
If your child fears that the bullying will worsen if he “tattles,” help him to realize that this is exactly what the bully wants him to think! Isolation is a bully’s method of intimidation. In fact, it is only by telling an adult that your child can begin to re-balance the power dynamic.
Trustworthy school staff, by the way, should be "on" to the fact that bullies like to threaten retaliation. Built in to their dealings with the bully should be means of ensuring that retaliation is warned against and will not be tolerated.”
“Thanks for your comment. It is SO true that effective parenting has everything to do with managing our own impulses and responses to our kids' behavior. I practice it everyday. We are all works in progress...”
“Go pound sand. I love it. Think I may add that to my list of "Bully Bans" that I teach kids. You were fortunate to have the confidence to know to look for better friends. It's very hard for many girls to realize that that is the healthy thing to do. What a great role model you must be.”
“Thanks for this feedback! Glad you agreed with the part about teaching girls that it's OK to be angry. Giving young kids skills for expressing anger in healthy ways was the subject of my previous book (titled, in fact, How to Be Angry). In many ways, my work on girl bullying and this latest book came out of the work on How to Be Angry.”
“Love your comments! I have one dedicated limit-testing 8 year old daughter and a 6 year old who is following her big sister's lead. Despite the fact that their "creative thinking" sometimes makes them harder to parent, I TREASURE the fact that they are strong girls with minds of their own and the confidence to look for loopholes. I couldn't agree more that their willingness to push limits is part of what ios going to make them strong, successful forces int his world. I also know that it is up to adults to avoid the potential power struggles that come from engaging with limit-testing kids and to find ways to help kids channel this behavior in positive ways.
“Thanks. Things seem to have worked out well for the present. My daughter knows where I stand on her involvement in "We-don't-like" clubs and...for what it's worth...her story today was about how all of the kids--Madison included--were sitting together on the bus making up a song. Glad to see the kneejerk impulse to exclude was over-rided over by a decision to come together.”
judie36 on Jan 17, 2012 at 21:04:15
“After reading this I found that I need to make shorter speeches to my 15 year old son. You hit the nail on the head with that, he tunes me out after 3 minutes. Thank you for bringing something so simple to my attention and will start practicing it. We are never to old to learn. :)”
“Thanks for your note. I am with you and Lady Gaga on this one...it has to stop! I wish simply saying so could make it happen. Please don't misunderstand my post as implying that bullying victims need to merely tough it out. This is neither my belief nor my intention with this article. I believe kids need strong adult support when it comes to dealing with bullying...and that one part of that support is parents (or other caring adults) helping kids to develop a positive future orientation. The "It Gets Better" campaign is an important one...but I agree with you 100%; it's not the only one.”