I woke up angry but not at anything. Just that deeply irritating body anger, like irritation in a traffic jam waiting for someone to try and cut me off, damn it.
At first I ignored the feeling and tried to go back to sleep. I used all my current RI tricks of darkness, counting breaths, rolling my eyes down. But a few minutes later, I was paddling in a cesspool of thoughts, to-dos, and internal demands.
My thoughts were not so much about getting something done as the energy of anger, just diverted to thinking.
Anger woke me. Damn it.
What was I angry about? Nothing. Nothing current. It's the energy I carry around from childhood, from controlling, from stress. Something's shifting in my life and I can see my anger more clearly. Damn it.
What to do with the anger? I was too tired to write, pound pillows, or anything other than rest or sleep.
I ended up doing some TAT, but I was too tired to even put one hand on my forehead and the other on the nape of my neck. So I imagined I was doing it and exaggerated the sensations in my body -- my jaw wired shut, jutting head, queasiness, sadness. I had to come back to the sensations because it was easier to do a self-blame game. But I did. The energy dissipated, enough to rest and even sleep after a while. Amen.
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