A List In Response To A News Story: Take my Cats, Please...Seriously. I Want to Freak Out.

11/19/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

What's that you say? A

">cat lady on the Upper West Side? How weird.

My Cats or my Future Baby?

1. Barf on the floor
2. Poop on the floor
3. Pee on the floor
4. Has a brain larger than a handful of grapes
5. Sleep on my mom's nice chairs so that I keep getting up with what Best Friend Lindsey calls a "diaper of cat hair"
6. Not have such judgey-looking eyes
7. Grow up to be a functioning creature capable of actual conversation and feelings
8. Scream and claw at my locked bedroom door at 6am so that I will get up and feed them cat food
9. Purr loudly like some kind of 4th grade nerd while I'm trying to research how Kim Kardashian lost so much weight
10. Be cute and not annoying
11. Not freak out when I want to dress it in a cute outfit
12. Not be covered in hair
13. Not cover everything I own in hair, causing drafts from opening and closing doors to blow cat-hair tumbleweeds across the floor
14. Not be crouched on my bedroom floor glancing awkwardly from me to the pile of vomit under its chin
15. Be worthy of my love
16. Not barf into the box of old newspapers that I was about to put out with the recycling
17. Not make me want to drown it
18. Not chase its friend down the hallway, leap onto my computer desk knocking over my tea, run over my keyboard typing weird garbage into my email to my boss, then barf on the floor
19. Love me back

Future baby: 4, 6, 7, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19
My Cats: 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 9