God Tells Me Things

03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Sometimes God tells me things.

Like the other day, I'd been watching Greek on Hulu for about an unknown number of hours when Safari quit for no reason. Or so it seemed. The real reason was that God was telling me to get out of bed because it is officially not even morning anymore. Being unemployed doesn't mean I get to sleep away the "day," especially if I've now slept so much that I'm not even sure which day or if it is day.

Sometimes when Safari has quit for no reason, and I'm waiting for it to reboot, maybe while looking at some old photos in iphoto, iphoto randomly quits, too. This is God telling me that some photos are unhealthy to look at. Well then why don't You just make iphoto delete all my photos or just the ones of me with my ex boyfriend Jared who used to take steroids? But I think the reason that doesn't happen is that God wants me to learn on my own.

When I found out my ex-boyfriend Jared who used to take steroids had hooked up with this really unfortunate looking girl in the bathroom at the Golf Pros and Tennis Hos costume party during their office bonding retreat in the Berkshires, at first I thought "What is the meaning of this?!" And then I thought, "Wait. I bet there is a meaning of this." I still hadn't lost the weight I gained when I went with Jared on the previous office bonding retreat in the Catskills. This was God reminding me to stick to my goals even when they are challenging.

There are days when it can be hard to know what God is trying to tell me. Like when I brought Jared to lunch at my best friend Lindsey's house and he stuffed a couch cushion under his shirt and stomped around the living room going "Bloompy Bloompady Bloomp. Look at me -- I'm you" in a fat guy voice. What was that?

Other times the message is clear. I was walking to the M86 bus the other day with a pack of Reese's Pieces. The force I applied to ripping it open combined unfavorably with the force of gravity acting down on the bag, causing the bag to fall. Candy went everywhere. This was God saying Come on, eating your feelings is so eighth grade. Also, seriously? You ate a Tasti-Dlite Butterfinger Sundae literally four blocks ago. Get it together.

Or when Jared's back would break out and he would get all ragey because he had just shot up some steroids before practice, I knew God was reminding me to treasure my clear skin and warm smile.

This one weekend, Jared wasn't allowed to play in the company soccer game against Credit Suisse because an anonymous caller told Coach that multiple players, specifically only Jared, were taking steroids. So he just grouched around the apartment all day talking about how he was going to "get" whoever did this to him, which made me feel that sometimes in a relationship it is good to spend some time alone. I happened to go to the bar where his team was having the post-game party, and I also happened to go home with Jared's office-mate Cole. This is God telling me that sometimes things just happen. Also that I've still got it.

Phones can be a good way for God to tell you things. It would be easier if he would just call me and say Hey, stop being a freak, and stop calling people and hanging up, because on cell phones people can see who is calling. In this fantasy, God is also being careful of my feelings and saying people when We know We really just mean one individual. That's why I like Fantasy God a lot. Real God operates in mysterious ways, so he's not as obvious, but I know he's trying to teach me how to make my calls show up as Unknown Number. He's also teaching me to practice my fake French accent, because I think everyone* knows it's me. (*It's still just one person. Hint: It's Jared.)

Sometimes the phone-lesson is in the form of my friends calling me to ask stupid questions. They're all like Why did you try to pull the fire alarm at Jared's Office Soccer Cup CEOs and Secretary Hoes costume happy hour? And how were you unable to figure out how to use it? Can you not read? Also, did you tell Jared that the cotton candy vendor was giving away free cotton candy on the corner so that you could make out with Cole? Why would there be a cotton candy vendor on 81st street and Amsterdam at 9 at night? And I'm like Ladies, please. Since I never know what they're talking about, I know this is God telling me to get some new friends.

Maybe Jared's friends could be my new friends. He spent so much time with them they were probably sick of him. You know who else might have been sick of him? That girl from Credit Suisse, because he called her all the time acording to (Not really my. Jared's. Who knew his online passwords were all Soccer69? Oh I know who: me! I figured that out on my own, so maybe God wasn't telling me anything except never to deny my genius. He probably should have told Jared not to keep a document on his desktop called Passwords. God should also have told him that if you get all ragey and pound on someone's door at three in the morning making insane-sounding threats then someone else has no choice but to call the police.)

The first time I went to visit my ex boyfriend Jared in prison, he seemed pretty angry, and he yelled a lot. Or at least it looked like he was yelling, but the glass was pretty thick, so maybe he was just pretending. That would have been a funny joke. This is God telling me that when He closes one door, He opens another -- specifically the one that lets you leave prison while other, grouchier people have to stay behind for 8 to 15 months but possibly less depending on good behavior.

The lessons God teaches me are sometimes easier to spot than to apply to my life. But since I am the boss of identifying the lessons, other times it's easier to apply them to my life than to know what they "really" are. I guess if I had to sum up all that God has taught me in three points, it would be 1. Keep it real, and 2. People are jerks, so always fake them out.