03/18/2010 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

What I Learned Running The New York City Marathon

What I learned Running The New York City Marathon: Things To Avoid

Dogs that might bite you. It's hard to run if your leg is gushing blood all over the place and hurting you. Also, the blood makes the ground slippery, and other runners will get mad at you, no matter how hard you try to explain that really, it's that jerk dog's fault.
UNLESS: You think that you could outrun the dog and that this chase scenario would actually make you run faster. In that case, seek out medium-fast to pretty-fast seeming dogs.

Your ex. It's not unlikely that you dated someone who might is also be in the marathon, maybe because he was the original reason you signed up, because you were going to run it TOGETHER and meet a personal goal TOGETHER, just like you were going to live TOGETHER.
UNLESS: You look damn good. If you are able to run a marathon, you probably have a ripped body. If not, I'm not really sure how that happened, because you should be burning like 1500 calories on your training runs. What are you eating, lard sandwiches topped with pig fat? The marathon is one of the few times when it is acceptable to wear basically no clothing, besides Halloween, which was yesterday, and hopefully you also saw your ex at the Halloween party at his house that he didn't really invite you to but surprise! you showed up. Use this opportunity to show him what he's missing (again).

Getting hungry: Come on. It's the marathon. Eat a good breakfast.
UNLESS: You meant it metaphorically, like hungry for a win. That's cool. But not if you mean hungry to punch your ex-boyfriend in his dumb face, because last year you caught him making out with some girl in the back of Brother Jimmy's Bar and Grill when he was supposed to be playing Fifa with his friends, which honestly is not that much better.
UNLESS: You can use your rage to your advantage, and you sprint to the finish.

Getting thirsty: So have a drink. What am I, a biologist?
Unless: By thirsty you meant fasty. Why didn't you just say that?

Getting tired: Seriously?
UNLESS: You meant it metaphorically. Like you're tired of being so slow. But maybe instead of making all these roundabout metaphors, you should just focus on running really fast. Just remember to pace yourself, because 26 miles is super far, and it would be really unfun if he won this stupid marathon that you didn't even want to do anyway but you kind of had to after all that training and bragging to your friends about how you and your 8% body fat boyfriend were going to run the marathon together and then have the prettiest, richest, fastest-running babies.
UNLESS: You run smack into that trollop from Brother Jimmy's who is now official with your ex-boyfriend.
TRIPLE UNLESS: Maybe you can introduce yourself, and you'll become friends.
LET'S BE REAL: That would never happen.

Falling down: That's embarrassing! It's hard to run when you are lying on the ground. That's like basic Marathon 101 stuff, am I right?
UNLESS: There's really no unless here. Falling down is never a good idea in any form, including falling for someone. Love is a lie. You know that.

Any and all short cuts: sometimes people might try to "help you out" during the race by telling you about some great shortcut. There are no shortcuts in marathons. The whole point of a marathon is its length, so that doesn't even make sense. Maybe that person trying to help you should just go take that stupid shortcut with his stupid new girlfriend. You've got a race to win.
UNLESS: You weren't going to win anyway. In which case, maybe you should have stayed at home and watched the race on TV. And you know what would be the ultimate fun? If your TV was in your bedroom, and you could watch the race in bed with that dog, because in the off season you guys are friends, and some bagels and your ex boyfriend, who is now back to being your boyfriend, and maybe we could all forget about the little Brother Jimmy's/new girlfriend incident.
LETS BE REAL: That would never happen.

Note: These are actually things I learned while lying in bed thinking about how I was too hungover to run in the marathon.

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