In breaking news, earlier today a senior policy advisor to the Republican Party was thought to have said the following: "You know, we forgot. I mean, we knew that the 19th Amendment passed, but, what can I say, it was an abstraction. We just plain forgot."
Who was responsible for the strategic political fiasco: "Salt of the earth people. You know, like the the hunters in Georgia trading women's rights for chickens and vets-turned-statesmen who understand how to take care of domesticated farm animals."
Political analysts believe that trading women's fundamental rights for chickens or repeatedly comparing women to breeding stock will fail to secure the presidency for Republicans.
According to the New York Times, Republicans in the House of Representatives who admit to forgetting about the passage of the 19th amendment "worry about further alienating women in this year's elections." House Republicans did not say that they were averse to alienating them both before and after this year's elections, however.
"Women aren't mad at us because we forgot they can vote or because of our policies," explained an anonymous Republican strategist familiar with the new approach. "That's absurd. This is biology. Pure and simple. Women were mad because of the moon. As we approached, what's it called, perimenopause... no, I mean perigee... you know, the super moon this week, they just became irrationally frenzied. THAT is what is going on. Ann Romney made us watch the NASA video. It's waning now."
When asked if he didn't think women might be alienated because the Party forgot they can vote and insists on pursuing dangerous, science-denying, retrograde, rights-stripping, humiliating and infantilizing-to-women bills and laws, he objected. "Please. That's a ridiculous conspiracy theory. Women are busy doing the most important uncompensated work in the world. They have more serious things to think about."
Republicans who forgot women can vote are scrambling this week, however, to distance themselves from those who remember that they can vote, but think they should not be able to. The Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson, a Fox News Network guest this week appeared on his friend Sean Hannity's show where he defended his position that women cannot handle power or responsibility and are shameless and evil. "Most men do not make mistakes... [but]...one of the greatest mistakes America made was to allow women the opportunity to vote." Hannity, recognized widely as one of the greatest minds of the 19th century, did not say whether he falls into the "we forgot" or the "biggest mistake" camp.
"We don't think it was a mistake at all," explained the strategist. "But, neither do we want to pander to those who think it's THE most important thing in the world and that our forgetting that women can vote is a big deal. In our rush to turn Complementarianism into the law of the land we just forgot this little, itty, bitty thing. Besides, we're making amends. We're handing out these handmaiden-shaped swag bags during the remainder of the election season to make up for it!"
The swaggy hand baskets include:
- A "For Procreation Only" Rick Santorum-autographed t-shirt women can wear while having sex,
- Handmade rhythm bead that can be used by women or their horses,
- Pre-printed abortion-permission slips for men to sign before having sex,
- Fake doctor's scrubs for each woman's state representative to wear when she consults him on compulsory birthing schedule,
- A laminated list of notary publics who will certify that a woman was raped in case she's confused or fulfilling her wifely duty and not just an inherently pathological liar like most women,
- A "Just Close Your Eyes" nightlight in the shape of the state of Pennsylvannia,
- Elephant-embossed, easy-glide condoms to slip over the 6-8 inch vaginal probe she'll be forced to pay for and be violated with for no medical reason in case she wants to get an abortion. Except in Texas, where the probe is, of course, a much bigger 10 inches,
- Cute, pink women's coin purses that are roughly 78% the size of an average man's wallet,
- An easy, two-step "Incorporate Your Uterus" kit that protects her rights,
- Last, but not least, "I'm a Slut. You're A Slut!" bumper stickers.
"I don't really like the handbasket," said a woman currently serving a five-year prison sentence in Alabama after her womb was declared a crime scene and she was found guilty of chemical endangerment after taking medication to treat her depression. "I mean, if they would just stop infringing on women's fundamental, equal rights, more women might use their right to vote and vote for them."
It appears that if there is one single issue that Republican legislators fail to understand, even when they remember that women can vote, it is that whether pro-choice or not, most women consider their uteri to be part of their bodies and not public property to be used for state-controlled breeding purposes.
A previous version of this post referred to Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson as a Fox News contributor. Rev. Peterson is an occasional guest on the network, not an official contributor.
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