(INT. NEW YORK SOUTHERN DISTRICT COURTROOM - 2010 - Judge Rittenhouse (Margaret Dumont) is behind the bench, as U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara (Zeppo) and defense lawyers wait at their respective tables)

Judge Rittenhouse: Bring in Mr. Khalid Sheikh Mohammed!

(Bailiff (Chico) brings in Khalid...

For your perusal, a comprehensive look at the new TV season, with exciting and innovative entertainment guaranteed to stop the bleeding caused by audiences abandoning television in favor of pretty much anything else.

MONDAY

8-9

ABC - Organ Harvesting With the Stars
CBS - I Like...

Several groups are angry with something said by someone in front of some people somewhere. One of the people's representatives said:

Something said by he or she to some people somewhere was, at the very least, deeply offensive to some people and, at worst, shattering in its immorality to some...

In honor of Woodstock's 40th anniversary, simply fill in the appropriate blanks with any of the matching choices below!

Kevin (one) Feendel, 65, had not been to Max Yasgur's farm since he was there for the (two) Woodstock Music and Art Fair -- better known as (three) -- 40 years...

The following preview has been approved for all audiences by the Motion Picture Association of America:

(INT. RESTAURANT IN GERMANY, 1925 - ADOLF HITLER and EVA BRAUN are eating dinner.)

Eva: Adolf, what would you really like to do?

Adolf Hitler: Run against von Hindenburg and then take over the...

The family of "Elephant Man" Joseph (John) Merrick has finally succeeded in obtaining the skeleton of Michael Jackson, after legal proceedings that have lasted almost a decade. Mr. Jackson's remains will be shipped to England and placed in The Royal London Hospital near the bones of Mr. Merrick, where Merrick...

- focus groups show that only 66 percent of citizens hold these truths to be self-evident; 22 percent hold them to be rather ambiguous; 12 percent are undecided

- opening paragraph should be funnier, add Rutledge's "Continental Whoop-Ass" line

- we still don't...

Following a spate of deaths that include Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, David Carradine and Gale Storm, all remaining celebrities in the United States have been moved to an undisclosed site where they will be under constant watch and protection. "Celebrities are our most precious natural--and national--resource,"...

In a digression from the world of media-cultivated celebrities, I now write about a gentleman worthy of the attention and adulation lavished upon the seemingly bottomless pit of manufactured "heroes," "rock stars," "icons," and assorted nonentities. His name is Dan Leslie Bowden, he is a teacher, and few of you...

The following preview has been approved for all audiences by the Motion Picture Association of America:

(INT. COURTROOM - LAURA SONNEE (Sandra Bullock) is questioning an elderly male witness, who breaks down in tears. She slaps him, then laughs.)

Announcer (voice-over): She was a high-powered lawyer...

(INT. CONFERENCE ROOM -...

(Note: If you get all of these and you're an attractive woman, say around 36 or 37, marry me immediately)

- Warp engines now powered by Java Monster

- During opening credits, Chekov trips over ottoman

- Exception to temporal prime directive: people encouraged to go back in time and...

• Get Away From It All, Sooner Than You Think
• Black Velvet Surgical Masks for Everyone!
• Spain Got It On Its Own, So What Have You Got to Lose?
• Roam Our Beautiful, Empty Streets!
• World Health Organization: Level Five; Our Travel Bargains: Number One!
• In a Few Months, No One...

Doctors warn that reading or viewing too many news articles and stories about President Obama's first 100 days in office may lead, among other things, to aneurysms, heart attacks, spontaneous abortions, rectal bleeding, and whooping cough. "Tests indicate that prolonged exposure to this so-called 'news coverage' has grave consequences," says...

An unusually high concentration of potential irony-laden and comment-worthy news items has caused many U.S. bloggers to clutch their heads in pain and temporarily put their keyboards aside to take a breath. According to Noel Kitterick, President of the Blogging Union of America, this cycle began with Miss California Carrie...

From the development vaults of Walt Disney Pictures, dated: February 18, 2008:

(EXT. Crowley Corners, Tennessee - Hannah Montana and best friend Lilly watch cows in a pasture.)

Hannah: Staring at these grazing ungulates, I question my own identity. Are they better off masticating the dew-flecked herbage below...

There is a quote attributed to H.G. Wells--or maybe it was Parker Posey--which goes something like this: "If Jesus Christ had been hanged, the symbol of Christianity would be a noose." Now, assuming H.G. Wells did say this, in between writing books which would lay the foundation for generations of...

There is a moment early in 1967's Bonnie and Clyde when the eponymous characters introduce themselves to some dispossessed farmers: "This here's Miss Bonnie Parker. I'm Clyde Barrow. We rob banks." This declaration becomes a point of pride as the photogenic bandits are transformed into folk heroes and champions of...

That a lot of information zips around the crazy expanse known as "the world" is certainly no news. And neither is the fact that this information is constantly pounded into our heads through technologically bold and irritating new ways that develop as fast as information itself officially becomes information. I...

- Print stories on chocolate

- Add trenchant political commentaries by the long-haired blond guy from TMZ, you know the one I'm talking about

- Hide obituaries inside "Magic Eye" images

- Leak rumor that attractive, young, white female local newspaper has been kidnapped under mysterious circumstances; 24-hour cable TV...

(Warning: this clocks in at just five minutes shorter than the actual Oscar telecast)

(ext. Kodak Theatre; open on mauve carpet instead of a boring red one, because this is the New and Improved Academy Awards; cut to producers Laurence Mark and Bill Condon, absolutely sure that this year's Oscars...