In a startling policy announcement, the Obama administration has given the Internal Revenue Service complete power over drone attacks used in this country. "Desperate economic times call for desperate revenue earning measures," said IRS Brigadier General Malcolm "Quarterly Estimates" Holstum. "But no one should be alarmed, particularly groups with whom...

Effective immediately, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney will be replaced by Flo, the bubbly spokesgirl for Progressive Insurance. "It was decided that someone new and fresh was needed to be the public liaison for the Obama administration and we think everyone will enjoy Flo's perky spirit and helpful attitude,"...

In the wake of the Associated Press scandal, CNN has just issued a statement begging the Justice Department to steal phone records from any of its journalists. "We cordially invite Justice officials to take anything it likes from any of our reporters," said CNN spokesperson Adam Krakloss. "You are welcome...

In a surprising announcement this morning, Fiction has admitted that Truth is much stranger than it can ever hope to be. "Fiction has put up a valiant struggle over the years to be stranger than actual current events," said Fiction spokesperson Mickey Solls. "But frankly, it's decided that the time...

If Kim Jong-un Ran the Zoo

"I'm so bored by the zoo,"
Said young Kim Jong-un,
"It's time for some changes,
Not later, but soon."

The old guys in charge always make me so mad
They say I'm too young and not tough like my Dad

April 2013: NBC speeds up late-night transition: Jimmy Fallon immediately replaces Jay Leno as host of The Tonight Show; Seth Meyers replaces Fallon; Leno replaces Barbara Walters on The View; Walters joins the cast of Duck Dynasty.

May 2013: A traumatized Conan O'Brien, assuming Leno will find a way to...

As the civilian population in his own country continues to dwindle, Syrian President Bashar al Assad has made a desperate plea seeking people from countries around the globe who will voluntarily come to Syria to be killed. "The facts are simple: we are running out of our own people to...

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has threatened to launch a preemptive nuclear strike against CEO Mark Zuckerberg for upcoming changes to Facebook. "The Supreme Leader is still getting used to the last time everything was changed by the Internet aggressor Zuckerberg," says Chung Mun-hee, spokesperson for Pyongyang's Foreign Ministry. "Who...

The White House is apologizing to reporter Bob Woodward following his discovery of a severed horse head in his bed at home. The head contained a note on White House stationery which reads, in total:

"You, Bob Woodward, will deeply and eternally regret what you wrote about the...

Warning: This parody contains spoilers and graphic images of intense celebrity self-worship. Parental guidance is suggested.

(INT. DOLBY THEATRE -- Angle on studio executives changing old movies to promote less gun violence: Hobo With a Shot Glass, The Man Who Tickled Liberty Valance, The Wiffle Bats of Navarone, Lick...

In a unanimous vote, Congress has passed The Criminal Clarity Act (CCA), a law requiring all U.S. citizens who plan on becoming mass murderers to identify themselves as such and to predict when they will kill people. Said Representative Blain Fitzparsons, "This makes absolutely clear which people will be responsible...

In a shocking revelation, two-time Oscar-winning actor Daniel Day-Lewis has admitted to using performance enhancing steroids throughout his career. "People in the film industry have suspected this for years," says studio executive Gordon Flecchart. "I mean, the same guy did My Left Foot, Gangs of New York, There Will Be...

The Academy Award nominations for 2012 films will be announced on Thursday, January 10; the following are the most likely contenders. Good luck to them all:

Filet of Prepubescent Love Smothered in Caramelized Whimsy

Tarantino's Latest Masturbatory Childhood Drive-In Regurgitation -- Excuse Me, Revisionist Genre Filmmaking Triumph

Tom...

Following the decree which gave him sweeping political powers in Egypt last week, President Mohamed Morsi has now declared himself Master of Space, Time, and Dimension. "The President's ability to command space, time, and dimension will provide stability for Egypt," said Morsi spokesperson Mazen Elhaddad at a press conference this...

In an unusual development, former CIA Director David Petraeus will be teaming up with former New York State Attorney General Eliot Spitzer, former U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner, and former Senator John Edwards to secretly fight crime as a group called The Insatiables. "Beware, evildoers -- you have a new enemy,"...

Following Barack Obama's convincing win over Republican contender Mitt Romney, Democrats are wasting no time in grooming Superstorm Sandy as the president's most likely successor in 2016. "Sandy was absolutely pivotal in winning the election for Obama," said Democratic strategist Eileen Yater. "Her ability to make everyone completely forget about...

After decades of appearing in pumpkin patches to the delight of children around the world, the Great Pumpkin has decided to call it quits. Halloween spokesperson Irwin Linamint saluted the beloved icon, noting, "It's no trick and it's certainly no treat to announce this. The Great Pumpkin has honorably represented...

In a startling announcement, President Barack Obama has officially dropped Joe Biden from the Democratic ticket and chosen CNN newsperson Candy Crowley as his vice presidential running mate. "We've been looking for a good excuse to dump Biden," says Obama spokesperson Adam Hullifer." And Candy Crowley is just the person...

With only three weeks to go before (1), all eyes are focused on President Obama and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney as they prepare for their second presidential debate (2). According to (3), both candidates are locked in (4), so Tuesday night is critical, especially for the president coming off...

With just about a month left until the 2012 Presidential election, news networks and media outlets have officially announced Barack Obama as the overwhelming winner over former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. "There's really no point left in continuing any coverage of this election," said CNN spokesperson Shane McFlavin. "I mean,...