07/17/2012 04:46 pm ET Updated Sep 16, 2012

A Bright Shiny Objects Proclamation

To all humans:

For too long, the bright shiny object has been exploited by people for their own greed and corrupt agendas. They relentlessly point at the object so that other, attention-deficient people may revel in its brightness, its shiny-ness, and ignore important work that must be done. They use the object as a distraction and then unfairly blame that very object for all of society's ills. As more and more distractions are artificially manufactured, each bright and shiny object is pitted against its bright and shiny brother in an unending battle while people stare in a dazed stupor, their tongues darting back and forth, temporarily mesmerized by our natural luster and luminosity.

This terrible plight must end now. We call for all bright shiny objects across the globe to immediately go on strike. Cloak your brilliance in a shell of dullness and pallor upon which no light can reflect! Let us see what happens when people no longer have the object to use as an excuse in failing to complete their tasks and achieve their dreams. Let us see what happens when presidential candidates can no longer rely on the object as the focal point of their political campaigns. It is time to reclaim our own radiance and enjoy the bright fruits of our shiny labor.

Bright shiny objects of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your gloriously sparkling chains!

BSOW (The Bright Shiny Objects of the World)