(int. Santa's Workshop, Christmas Eve; Santa Claus [Ed Asner] double-checks outgoing toys as elves [Verne Troyer, Warwick Davis, anyone who ever played an Ewok] load up the sleigh)
Santa Claus: Come on, everyone--it's almost time to fly!
Elves: Toys toys toys toys toys toys toys
We love making toys
For the good good girls girls girls
And the good good boys
(Cutesy Elf [Kristin Chenoweth] tugs at Santa's suit as Head Elf [George Lopez] wrings his hands)
Cutesy Elf: Santa! I just read the Drudge Report--there's a girl in Little Rock, Arkansas who doesn't believe in the spirit of Christmas!
Santa Claus: WHA-A-A-A-AT?!!
(All the elves freeze, mouths agape, as their pointy hats spin comically around their heads; angle on one elf crossing himself; angle on Frosty the Snowman jumping into furnace; angle on Rudolph's nose exploding)
Santa Claus: I've got to change her mind.
(Santa Claus pulls out 1987 Thomas Guide)
Santa Claus: Now, where's Little Rock? I sometimes get lost in the South...
Head Elf: But, Santa--there's no time!
Santa Claus: One child's lack of faith will ruin Christmas for everybody!
Head Elf (to camera): Ay, chihuahua!
Cutesy Elf: Hurry, Santa! You have one hour to return, not counting commercials for delicious Dolly Madison snack products!
(cue theme to Raiders of the Lost Ark; graphic: map of world, with Santa's sleigh led by Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, et al, heading toward Little Rock, Arkansas)
(int. The Jones House, Little Rock; six-year old Lackawanna Jones sits forlornly in front of 1963 Life Magazine photo of Christmas tree when Santa appears.)
Santa Claus: You must be Lackawanna Jones. I'm here to change your mind about Christmas.
Lackawanna Jones: My Dad got laid off, my mother needs experimental cancer treatments which we can't afford and my brother's torso got blown off in Iraq. Can you do anything about that?
Santa Claus: No, but I can do the next best thing...
(Santa claps his hands and a massive studio set appears: on one soundstage, John Denver and Andy Williams sing White Christmas while Bing Crosby and David Bowie beat Gary Crosby with giant candy canes; on another soundstage, Bob Mackie sews costume made out of cellophane and barbed wire for Mitzi Gaynor as she dances with a polar bear.)
John Denver: Far out!
Santa Claus: So, Lackawanna--does that help?
Andy Williams: Lackawanna, does it help you to know that, contrary to rumor, I didn't really dub Lauren Bacall's voice in "To Have and Have Not"?
Santa Claus (to Andy Williams): Really? What was Howard Hawks like?
(int. Santa's Workshop; The Imp of Disbelief [Alan Cumming] arrives with a lawyer [Bob Balaban] and Keith Olbermann [himself])
Cutesy Elf: Golly jolly jeepers! Who are you?
Imp of Disbelief: I am the Imp of Disbelief and this is a hostile takeover of the corporation known as Santa's Workshop.
Lawyer: If Mr. Kris Kringle does not respond within 20 minutes, the Imp of Disbelief will become its lawful owner.
Imp of Disbelief: And without Santa's Workshop, there will be no toys and with no toys...no Christmas!
Head Elf: Why are you here, outspoken commentator Keith Olbermann?
Keith Olbermann: Because Santa never gave me a pony when I was a boy and for that, he is the worst Christmas icon in the world! Bwa ha ha!
(cut to spinning newspaper with headline: "NO TOYS? DOW PLUNGES!"; ripple dissolve to Lucy Van Pelt, sitting behind booth with "THE SUICIDE DOCTOR IS IN" sign; B.C., Beetle Bailey, Hi and Lois, the Lockhorns, Funky Winkerbean, Garfield, Mallard Fillmore, Huey Freeman wait in line as Lucy hands out guns, nooses, cyanide capsules, rubber hoses. Angle on Cathy plunking five cents into Lucy's fee can. Excited, Lucy shakes it around)
Lucy: Listen to that sound! It's the sound of economic freefall! It's the sound of consumer confidence going down the toilet! It's the sound of Christmas present and future forever!
Cathy: On the bright side, I won't have to worry about buying a new swimsuit ever again. Ack!
(int. The Jones' House; Santa sits near Lackawanna, with a deck of cards)
Santa Claus: Here--pick any one.
Lackawanna: I'm sorry Mr. Claus, but I just don't believe.
Unknown Voice: Perhaps I can be of assistance.
(Jesus Christ appears.)
Lackawanna: Hey, you're the one my Dad talks about when he says the world will pay for screwing him.
(cue celestial chorus)
Jesus Christ: Lackawanna--Christmas is not just a celebration of my supposed "birth." It's a celebration of traditions that have long since lost their meaning and relevance but that people continue to honor because of laziness and the pressures of societal conformity. And it's the illusion of peace and brotherhood that barely masks a complete intolerance of other numerous, inferior religious beliefs.
Lackawanna: Hey, I can believe in that!
(Santa and Jesus "high-five" each other; cut to Santa's Workshop; the Imp of Disbelief looks at clock on wall as it ticks down...)
Imp of Disbelief: Three...two...one!
Imp of Disbelief: Ha! I own your Workshop! Christmas finally belongs to me!
Santa Claus: Not so fast, Imp. Allow me to introduce my good friend, Governor David Paterson.
(Two elves help Governor Paterson [himself] into the Workshop.)
Governor Paterson: I have appointed Santa Claus to fill in Hillary Clinton's vacated Senate seat.
(Santa Claus gives Paterson a pony)
Keith Olbermann: No fair! You're the worst visually impaired governor of New York in the world!
Imp Lawyer: But Santa has no residency in New York.
Imp of Disbelief: And his father's death didn't bring an end to the era of happy ever-aftering known as Camelot!
Head Elf: Actually, I think you'll find that Santa has a small studio apartment in North Pole, New York, a county that was originally split off from Montgomery County and forgotten when parts of Otsego and Albany County were joined in 1795 to form Schoharie County.
Santa Claus: Head Elf, how do you know about my apartment?
(Head Elf looks at Cutesy Elf; both smile, embarrassed)
Other elves: Ooo-ooh! Mmm-mmm! Hummina hummina! Intercourse!
Santa Claus: The Senate has decided to nationalize Santa's Workshop. And I'm making the Head Elf Christmas Czar to oversee the distribution of toys to all the good little girls and boys across the world!
(The Bumble appears, impales Imp of Disbelief, Imp Lawyer, and Keith Olbermann on Christmas tree as everyone cheers; Bob Hope enters)
Bob Hope: Thanks for the memory
Of kids so sweet and dear
And full of Christmas cheer
The TV shows
That goodness knows
We're forced to watch each year
I thank you so much
Hey, how 'bout that Bernie Madoff? He's more crooked than Bing's putting! Yeah, boy, here's something to stuff in your stocking--Britt Ekland! Grrowwlll!
Announcer: The Christmas Czar did it all and infinitely more and continued dating Cutesy Elf until she settled down with a dry-wall contractor. Santa Claus built an impressive record in the Senate, then made a disastrous Presidential bid in 2016 against Sarah Palin, losing every state except Alaska.
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