Campaign 2016: Hillary Clinton to Replace Her Cold Cyborg Heart With a Human One

04/13/2015 05:16 pm ET | Updated Jun 13, 2015

As part of the launch for her 2016 presidential campaign, representatives of former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton have confirmed she will replace her cold cyborg heart with a human one. "This is just one way of tweaking the Clinton brand in the months to come," said Team Hillary media Field Marshal Ernest T. Stickler, following Clinton's presidential announcement via video message. "We want to show America the real Hillary: the spontaneous Hillary; the fun, breezy Hillary; the Hillary who doesn't need constant battery charges or modifications to her enhanced biofuel cells."

The human heart for Clinton will be provided by Malcolm Whitloor, a 42-year-old sales manager and lifelong Democrat from Eaton Rapids, Michigan, whose last words, according to inside sources, were, "What time is it? How did you get in my house?" The operation to replace Clinton's present cybernetic power source will be streamed online and, if successful, will be followed by a procedure to remove the array of crystalline emotion-inhibitors that are surgically fused to her brain stem.

"We predict Ms. Clinton will make a full recovery, but it may take a while for her to operate at full capacity and successfully interact with other humans," said Stickler. "As a result, she will not be able to campaign or communicate directly with anyone until, oh, let's tentatively say November 8, 2016."