By Rob Kutner and Spencer Green
FRIDAY JULY 25
10:00am - PANEL: "Medium-Speed-Moving Zombies -- A Major Paradigm Shift"
10:30am - DOCUMENTARY: "CGI Robots and CGI Monsters -- Onscreen Enemies, Offscreen Lovers"
11:00am - SNEAK PREVIEW: Baz Luhrmann's Jenga
1:00pm - TRIBUTE: "Hello Kitty -- 40 Years of Delighting Girls and Arousing Creeps"
1:30pm - COZPLAY CONTEST -- Show off your best Bill Cosby sweater and indoor "crazy shades!"
2:00pm - JJ ABRAMS, SHACKLED TO A WALL AND TORTURED: "Is that REALLY Admiral Ackbar's nostril in that SW7 set photo?"
2:30pm - GAMERS DISCUSSION: "What I'm Told Sunlight Feels Like"
3:00pm - SCREENING: Star Trek: Actuarial Table Proofreaders (rightfully unaired pilot, 1990)
4:30pm - SEMINAR: "Klingon or Dothraki: Which Releases More Mucus?"
5:00pm - SCIENCE PANEL: "The Grandfather/Fanboy Paradox: Time Dilation Effects Within the Line to Hall H"
6:00pm - SONY WORLD PREMIERE -- Spider-Man, but Now With Crappier Lighting and an Even Lesser-Known Actor!
7:30 pm - MEET THE CREATORS OF: Nasonex
8:00pm - "I Am SUCH A Nerd!" COCKTAIL RECEPTION (professional athletes and supermodels only)
SATURDAY JULY 26
10:00am - PRESENTATION: "The Next Frontier in Digital Comics: Digital Staples"
10:30am - NBC PRESENTS: "Some Pilots That Sucked Last Year, Only Now We Added a Robot!"
11:00am - CAUSEPLAY -- Literacy? Homelessness? Lupus? Dress as your cause du jour and strut your righteous stuff.
11:30am - SNEAK PREVIEW: Hungry Hungry Hippos: Day of Reprisal
12:30pm - MEETUP: The People Who Hated the Last Episode of Lost Meet the People Who Are Still Upset Over Ben Affleck as Batman, and Hug
1:00pm - LIVE DEMO: Keir Dullea Attempts To Use the Zero-Gravity Toilet from 2001: A Space Odyssey (Prepare to get wet!)
1:30pm - NETWORKING (Deodorant and Non-Deodorant Tracks available)
2:30 - INTERVIEW: The Guy From 20th Century Fox Who Said, "Hey, Sure, Mr. Lucas -- heh heh -- You Can Have All the -- snicker -- Merchandising Rights"
3:00pm - GUEST STAR: Harlan Ellison Bitchfest (Note: eight-hour limit)
3:30pm - SCIENCE PANEL: "Has Constant Exposure to Mylar Rendered You Sterile?" (Yes)
4:00pm - MASTURBATION SPOTLIGHT: Pacing Yourself for Avengers: Age of Ultron
4:30pm - JJ ABRAMS TORTURE CHECK-IN: Photos of his kidnapped children yield an on-set sketch of Chewbacca's bunion!
5:00pm - SCREENING: Luc Besson's Lucy Van Pelt
6:30pm - COLLECTORS SPOTLIGHT: "Serial Killers -- Getting a Fair Assessment of Your 'Collection of Beautiful Things'"
7:00pm - "NERDS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!" PARTY (Only Studio VP and higher invited)
8:30pm - SAURIAN BRANDY
8:35pm - BEDTIME
SUNDAY JULY 27
10:00am - DEBATE: "Stick Around For Some Basic Cable Show Panels I've Never Heard Of, Or Try and Beat LA Traffic?"
10:30am - COSTCOPLAY -- Are you more a "Pallet of Dasani Water Bottles" or a "Pallet of Cheez-Its" type? And which luck winner will take home the "Pallet of Trophies?"
11:00am - PANEL: "D.C. vs. Marvel: Who Gives a Shit? They All Fucking Wear Tights"
11:30am - RETROSPECTIVE: 4th-Tier Superhero Adaptations: "Mendelevium Lass," "Sawdust Boy," "The Itchy Scalp"
12:00pm - MEETUP: People Who Want a John Carter Sequel (LIMIT: 4)
12:30pm: SEMINAR: "Wham! vs. Pow!: A Structural Analysis"
1:00pm - DISCUSSION: "Stuffed Crust Pizzas vs. Burrito Supremes: What's Easier to Get Out of Your Beards?"
1:30pm - SCREENING: Something With a Dystopian Future and Tough Teen Girls Because, You Know, It's Empowering and Junk
2:30pm - PREMIERE: Ziggy: The Dark Knight Mopes
3:00pm - PANEL: "Who's Still Here? Show of Hands."
3:30pm - GUEST APPEARANCE: The guests at the Rabinowitz Bar Mitzvah, who have this venue starting at 4.
3:41pm - MARKETPLACE -- "Will Someone PLEASE Buy This Piece of Gaffers' Tape Used In Lost in Space Before My Wife Divorces Me?"
3:49pm - OBLIGATORY PANEL ON WOMEN IN SCI-FI -- Moderated by: dudes
3:58:30pm - JJ ABRAMS RELEASED, weeping, broken, and oozing
4:00pm - RABINOWITZ BAR MITZVAH -- Mazel Tov!
Rob Kutner is a writer for CONAN and co-creator of the new comedy-sci-fi-music album 2776. See here.
By Rob Kutner and Spencer Green