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Spencer Green

Spencer Green

Posted: May 20, 2009 03:56 PM

Coming This Summer: Gitmo by the Dozen!


The following preview has been approved for all audiences by the Motion Picture Association of America:

(INT. COURTROOM - LAURA SONNEE (Sandra Bullock) is questioning an elderly male witness, who breaks down in tears. She slaps him, then laughs.)

Announcer (voice-over): She was a high-powered lawyer...

(INT. CONFERENCE ROOM - BENJAMIN SONNEE (Matthew McConaughey) is in the middle of a PowerPoint presentation, which ends with the image of a giant "Monopoly Man" crushing poor people; everyone in the room applauds, Benjamin takes off his shirt.)

Announcer (voice-over): He was a powerful investment banker...

(INT. SONNEE HOUSE - Benjamin and Laura are canoodling on a luxurious sofa lined with hundred-dollar bills as their adorable dog WINKY sleeps nearby.)

Announcer (voice-over): They were the perfect couple, except for one thing...

Benjamin: Come on, honey--let's start a family.

Laura: Oh, Ben--it's not the right time. Our shallow, materialistic lives are perfect just the way they are.

(Doorbell rings; Benjamin opens the door and there is a FEDERAL MARSHAL.)

Federal Marshal: Are you Benjamin and Laura Sonnee, the perfect couple?

Laura: Why, yes we are.

Federal Marshal: These belong to you.

(REVEAL one dozen SUSPECTED TERRORIST DETAINEES.)

Benjamin/Laura: WHAAAAAAA...?!!!

(ANGLE ON Winky, rubbing his eyes in disbelief.)

TITLE UP: "GITMO BY THE DOZEN!"

Announcer (voice-over): It's a comedy of politically hilarious proportions!

(INT. SONNEE HOUSE - The detainees are jumping up and down on the furniture, playing Wii, writing "Death to America" on the walls in blood, as Benjamin tries to calm them all down by taking off his shirt.)

Laura: There must be some sort of mistake.

Federal Marshal: Sorry, ma'am. We have to move all the Guantanamo Bay detainees to the homes of random affluent, attractive young couples in the United States because no other countries will take them. Have a nice day.

(ASADEL approaches Laura, holding a prayer rug.)

Asadel: Excuse me--which way does Mecca face from inside your shameful, imperialist dwelling?

(INT. COURTROOM - Laura is in the middle of an opening statement.)

Announcer (voice-over): It's a fish out of water story...only the fish is twelve Muslim detainees. Twelve of 'em! Half a dozen!

Laura: We will prove beyond the shadow of a doubt that--

(Laura's cell phone rings and she answers.)

Laura: What?

(INT. SONNEE HOUSE - Asadel is reading Internet instructions and building a bomb as REYHAM watches; KHAYRAT is on a cell phone.)

Khayrat (to Laura): Asadel is building a bio-chemical weapon and he won't let me help!

Laura (voice-over): Tell Asadel we'll all build a bio-chemical weapon when I get home and not a minute sooner!

Reyham: Hurry up, Asadel! I have to take the Facebook "Which Partridge Family character are you?" quiz!

(INT. COSTCO - Benjamin pushes NASAWI and Reyham in a stroller while Laura carries QASSIM in a baby holder. The others run around in a frenzy, screaming and knocking things over.)

Qassim: Look at this Western decadence! It's a blasphemy that--ooh! I want five plasma TVs!

Laura: I don't think I can take this much longer.

Nasawi: Please, Benjamin and Laura. As my Uncle Mouza used to say: "riHlit il-alf miil tabda' bixa Twa."

Laura: What does that mean?

Nasawi: How the hell should I know? I grew up in Texas. Go Longhorns!!

(EXT. PARK - Benjamin, Laura and the detainees skip through a field of flowers; CUT TO: Qassim handing Laura a bunch of daisies; a bee pops out of them and stings him on the nose, causing his head to inflate; CUT TO: Nasawi and Asadel flying Qassim like a kite as everyone laughs.)

(EXT. SONNEE HOUSE - A cranky NEIGHBOR (Dick Cheney) confronts Benjamin as Nasawi and Asadel mow the lawn.)

Neighbor: Your new "enemy combatants" are creating a nuisance! If you don't do something about it, I will!

(The neighbor menacingly holds up a garden hose; Winky growls, bites the neighbor's crotch, drags him up and down the street as he screams in pain.)

Nasawi: Ah--that takes me back!

(INT. INVESTMENT FIRM - Benjamin's BOSS (Kurtwood Smith) confronts Benjamin.)

Announcer (voice-over): It's a movie that will steal your heart, take it hostage and never let it go!

Boss: Benjamin--ever since those detainees showed up, your work ethic has changed!

(CUE swelling James Newton Howard music score)

Benjamin: No. Maybe I've changed. Maybe...I've...changed. For the BETTER!

(INT. SONNEE HOUSE - As Benjamin and Laura are giving all of their possessions to Goodwill, the twelve detainees come downstairs like the Von Trapp children, wearing clothes made out of American flags.)

Detainees (singing): So long, farewell, your kindness makes us weep

Asadel (singing) I'm through with trying to kill you in your sleep

Detainees (singing): So long, farewell, dear Allah had it wrong

Qassim (singing): Your land is great and so's this touching song...

Benjamin: So, Laura...now can we think about having a family?

Laura: Oh, Ben--we already have one!

Detainees: Yay!

(The detainees ululate; FREEZE FRAME as everyone hugs and laughs.)

Announcer (voice-over): "Gitmo by the Dozen!" Featuring the number one hit "Waterboard of Love" by Beyoncé!

(ANGLE ON Winky, wearing keffiyeh, barking.)