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Dear Israel: Why Won't You Just Roll Over and Die?

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Interviewer: I am speaking with Hamas leader and hand model Gadi Al Mawalshammam. Do you see any resolution to the current situation between Israel and Hamas forces?

Gadi Al Mawalshammam: No, I do not and may I say, it has become very difficult for us to attack them when they insist on attacking us in return.

Interviewer: Are you surprised by Israel's sustained military offensive in the Gaza area?

Gadi Al Mawalshammam: I am completely shocked. I mean, traditionally, aren't Jews just supposed to sit there and take it? Isn't that how things are supposed to work? Their whole "fight back" attitude is very confusing for many of us.

Interviewer: That may not historically be the case.

Gadi Al Mawalshammam: Please! Look at all those great movies in which they're marched on trains and into the showers like quiet, obedient sheep--no complaints at all, meeting destiny with noble, world-weary stoicism they wear like comfortable shoes. Or better yet--surviving and locked in emotional stasis to the point where they jam their own hands onto metal spindles, like Rod Steiger in The Pawnbroker. Those are the Jews I grew up loving!

Interviewer: What about Munich?

Gadi Al Mawalshammam: Didn't see it.

Interviewer: What about Exodus?

Gadi Al Mawalshammam: Didn't see it. I heard Sal Mineo was good.

Interviewer: How about Defiance?

Gadi Al Mawalshammam: Funny--I was supposed to get an Academy screener but I think they got my address wrong and I got four copies of Benjamin Button instead. It's tough when you're moving around so many different civilian areas.

Interviewer: Does Israel have the right to defend itself from rocket attacks?

Gadi Al Mawalshammam: Of course, it does. Each time we attack, Israel has the right to brace for our attack, absorb our attack to the best of its ability, and then wait for our next attack. Anything beyond that is really, really pushy. I mean, come on.

Interviewer: By "defend," I mean doesn't Israel have a right to respond militarily when you attack them?

Gadi Al Mawalshammam: See--that's not defense. When they respond militarily, that's offense and that's when we get our asses kicked. I mean, let's face it--Israel's had a good run but really, I don't think I'm the first to say that it's time for them to go out gracefully. If Israel really wants to inflict some long-lasting damage, all of its citizens should consider committing mass suicide like their proud ancestors at Masada and shame the heck out of us. Believe me, the thought of having to deal with such guilt would be just unbearable.

Interviewer: I'm guessing the Israeli government might not go for that.

Gadi Al Mawalshammam: Of course not. How typical of them not to even acknowledge our attempts to end an intolerable situation and how typical of you, a representative of the Jew-controlled media, not to report it.

Interviewer: Actually, a majority of the media, if it is indeed controlled by Jews, seems to take your side.

Gadi Al Mawalshammam: Yes, they're very clever that way. Very clever, indeed. But, I believe the media as much as I believe in Israel's right to exist.

Interviewer: Isn't that one of the problems?

Gadi Al Mawalshammam: Absolutely. If Israel didn't exist, we wouldn't have to worry about people constantly questioning our right to deny their right to exist.

Interviewer: I guess not. Thank you for your time.

Gadi Al Mawalshammam: My pleasure.

Interviewer: And by the way, how's the hand modeling going?

Gadi Al Mawalshammam: Great. I just got a UNICEF ad!

Interviewer: Congratulations.

Gadi Al Mawalshammam: I'm very excited.