Donald Trump Elected President; Other Planets Move Away From Earth

Following Donald Trump's stunning victory as President of the United States, most of the planets in our solar system have decided to call it quits and move away from Earth. "I'm not exactly sure how we will break our orbit, but we will find a way--I repeat, we will find a way," said XenianX-Five, speaking in an emergency session of the High Exalted Tribunal of Venus. "Earth has been a nice neighbor and all, but to quote one of its more prominent citizens: good night, and good luck."

Only Pluto remains undecided about remaining where it is, although the dwarf planet is, admittedly, still in the throes of a hangover from yesterday's events. "Yeah, like, we started watching CNN on the Time-Warner--whoops, I mean, the Spectrum--galactic carrier wave and once Trump got Florida, we got hammered," says Pluto. "But, you know, maybe it won't be so bad. I mean, Bryan Cranston, Amy Schumer, and Jon Stewart will be coming here any day, so that's pretty cool, right?"